Hungry

Hungry I come to You for I know your satisfy. I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry.
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Emptiness is a word that I have thought a lot about these last few months. Well, actually a lot since I came to China. I feel like I spent most of my days feeling empty. Dry. Tired. Last month I shared about motives and how I was learning to serve for Jesus first and foremost- then when I had given every last bit of me, I would not fall into the temptation of despair. This month He is putting that to the test. And He is teaching me more about the difference between emptiness and hunger.

"Oh taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!"

I find it interesting that the Psalmist uses the word taste. Taste has to do with a physical need that many of us do not understand fully: hunger. Last night I went to see the Life of Pi with a friend and there was one part where Pi says, "There is something about hunger that brings out the evil in your soul" (or something like that- you get the picture) Hunger weakens, hunger cripples, hunger affects our demeanor, our energy, our everything. Hunger can distract, it can make one delusional. What a sad picture hunger can be.  It is a hunger ignored. This hunger though is a hunger not satisfied.

Hunger was created to remind us of our needs. Our need for food, our need for God. Emptiness is a feeling I became well acquainted with these last few months, and have been learning to put away and let myself be filled with the Holy Spirit. But hunger is a new feeling that I am learning about. Lately I have been feeling- well, empty is not the right word. At first I thought I felt empty, but the more I thought about it the more I realized, "No. I do not feel empty- I feel the presence of God filling me and giving me strength and encouragement to keep pressing forward. So what is this then?" It is the intense yearning to be full of Him. To consume His Words and to digest every word carefully. I was encouraged to make this realization. I was encouraged because emptiness suggests that there is nothing left- whatever was there is gone. Hunger on the other hand suggest that there is still life. Something that is dead can not be hungry. As we face discouraging times in this life, we can always have the comfort that as long as we hunger there is life, there is hope. If God's love does not run dry, we can never be empty as His children. Hunger just shows our need for Him. Hunger can be satisfied.

"I'm falling on me knees, offering all of me. Jesus, You're all this heart is living for."

Wouldn't Trade a Thing

There were people laughing and joking- crowded together in the small room. All I could do was look wistfully around as I stared off into space and imagined different paths my feet could have taken before this moment...
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As a teenager I often imagined what my life would look like when I "grew" up and dreamed of all the wonderful, daring, and adventurous things I would do. My imagination took me all over the world. I was working in the bush in Africa- defying venomous snakes and holding small children and administering some sort of medical care to them as I spoke to their mothers about His love. I was living in Europe in an adorable flat above a small cafe that I owned and sharing His Word with my neighbors and frequent customers. I was living in South Africa, singing in concerts and spreading His love through music and owning a warm toned coffee shop- sitting for hours just talking the Word with my faithful regulars. I was in China, teaching university students English in a small town in a southeastern province. I was a successful travel agent- managing CEO's and high end clients- traveling around the country representing a successful company. I was a wife of a dashing, strong hero and mother- supporting my husband and raising my children with him, keeping a peaceful and happy home.

And then I looked up from my spot on the couch and saw the Christmas lights on our little Christmas tree flashing and I got up and walked down the ominous looking, long, white hallway and climbed into my cold bed alone. I woke up this morning to see the latest news on Facebook that my friends back home are in relationships, engaged, married, and on child number 3. Sound familiar? They all look so happy. They are pinning recipes and decor and DIY projects that can only be done in the States. They are visiting family and getting ready for Christmas and the New Year after spending Thanksgiving together. The temptation is for me to get all melancholy and discontent as I sit in my cold apartment all alone- the roommates at work and my student being late this morning, but as I was moping on that ridiculous social networking site, my eye caught a picture of me with one of my former kindergarten students.

One glimpse of that picture and I knew instantly that I would not trade anything I have now for any of those ideas of what my life could be like right now. I can not imagine my life without all the experiences and memory-creating moments I have had since coming to China. I can not imagine never knowing these first 8 bright-eyed, loud, crazy kindergartners, or my 50+ students at my school, or any of the people I have met since coming here. No. I am crazy, extremely blessed.
And thankful.
I can not imagine what this Christmas would be like without getting to spend it here with people that I care about here. Will I miss spending this holiday season in the comfort of familiarity and "normalcy" To some extent, of course. And of course I will miss my family and friends! But I wouldn't trade a thing I have now for anything that I might miss or long for.

I once prayed and dedicated my life to my Lord. I once told Him I would go anywhere and do anything that He wanted me to do. I once told Him I would do it alone or with a life-time partner and friend. I once told Him that I would trust Him even when it was scary and I did not understand what my next step would be.

I once prayed all those things, and He once answered: and I found myself in China.

"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will act. He will bring forth righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday light. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his ways, over the man who carries out evil devices!"
Psalm 37: 5-7

Holiness

Holiness, Holiness is what I long for; holiness is what I need. Holiness, holiness is what You want for me. So take my heart and mold it. Take my mind, transform it. Take my will, conform it, to Yours, oh to Yours!
...................

"The holiness movements of today have none of the rugged reality of the New Testament about them. There is nothing about them that needs the death of Christ. All that is required is pious atmosphere, prayer and devotion."
~Oswald Chambers

I have been thinking much lately on the subject of holiness. What does holiness look like? How is it illustrated in my life? Where is it lacking in my life? What can I do to be more holy? What is keeping me from being holy?
At the same time I have pondering the work of the Holy Spirit in my life. Ironically enough, these two ponderings go hand in hand.

What does holiness look like? God. The Holy Spirit. Set apart. Separate. Different. I could go on. I think we all know what holiness is.

How is it illustrated in my life? In every choice that I make to be set apart for a higher calling. (Understanding that this is only accomplished by God's grace.)

Where is it lacking in my life? In every choice that I make not to be set apart. In every choice that I ignore my higher calling. Every choice that I settle for the mediocre.

What can i do to be more holy? Bad question. No. Really bad question. As people we can not "be" more holy. When we try to be holy all we accomplish is a "pious atmosphere, pious prayer and pious devotion"....that's a lot of piety, and last time I checked, piety was not what we were supposed to be going for in holiness. Piety is a lot of outward, self-seeking-praise conformity to the human definition of what looks good. That is not holiness. That is pride.

Speaking of Jesus Christ as an example vs. our Savior, Chambers goes on to say,

"There is only the idea that He (Jesus Christ) is our pattern. In the New Testament Jesus was the Savior long before He was the pattern. Today He is being portrayed as the figurehead of religion - a mere example. He is that- but He is infinitely more. He is salvation itself; He IS the gospel of God!"

You do not just wake up one day and decide, "Hey, that's it. I'm going to be holy from now on. I will be holy." Mission accomplished problems solved.
No. That is not how it works. Sure, we can try to look holy. But only the Spirit can work true holiness in our inner being. In 1 Peter, Peter says,

"...be holy in all your conduct....for it was written, You shall be holy for I am holy..."

Even looking back to the original text in Leviticus (chapt 11 to be precise) God says,

"...be holy for I am holy.... I am the Lord who brought you up out of Egypt to be your God, You shall be holy, for I am holy."

I always heard that as a command before. "You must be holy!" But looking at it now, I see that it is all a work of God. You will be holy. (notice, it is not a choice) How? Why? "For (because) I am holy." Because we are His and we have His Spirit living and breathing life into us, we can not help but be holy- for He is holy.
We become like an air freshener can. We are the can- He is the freshener. The can does not do anything but let out the scent. It is the scent that makes the difference in a room. The can cannot decide at the factory, "Hey, I'm gonna be an air freshener!" Much like we can not wake up one day and say, "Hey, I'm gonna be holy!" Only by the work of the Spirit are we transformed.
"By the renewing of your minds"  Crucial moment!!!! We are transformed by the renewing of our minds. Meditating on Scripture. Meditating on the good and lovely. The righteous and just. The very character of God. That He would be both our Savior and our example- instead of just one or the other.

What is keeping me from being holy? The only thing that hinders holiness in me is when I decide to take the reigns over and try to lead the Spirit. We were created to be Spirit-led, not Spirit-leaders. Read that again.

We were created to be Spirit-led, not Spirit-leaders.

What a mess the world would be in if we were in control of the Spirit. If we made all the decisions before Him without the foreknowledge He has of His master plan. The only thing that hinders me from seeing His holiness poured out in my life is when I choose to "defile" (as Leviticus puts it) myself. To defile is to mar or spoil. I get the image of a clean shirt in my mind. A clean shirt because that is it's nature. A shirt is clean. Period.  But then you spill coffee on it (not that there is ANYTHING wrong with coffee- if you know me, you know I think quite the opposite) and suddenly it is defiled. Coffee in and of itself is not harmful or bad, but when used inappropriately or unwisely it can ruin a perfectly beautiful outfit. You have to wash it before it can be used again.
We were created to be clean and holy.  We must use everything around us with the utmost care. Anything at all- though in and of itself may not be harmful- could mar our image- an image given to us by God. It could become soiled and dirty. But just as a dirty shirt can be washed, so we can be washed and once again be clean and white, a true representation of a Holy God who called us and sanctified us to be His children.

May I be Spirit-led that His holiness would shine through in this dark and dirty world.

Good

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God and who are called according to His purpose" 
~Romans 8:28
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Once again I find myself broken before You. At the end of me.
How many times will I find myself here?
Broken not out of humility, but because of what I've done.

I failed to see You moving, so I took things into my own hands.
Now everything is spinning out of control
and those I love are suffering.

God, how do I fix this mess I've made?
How do I climb out of this pit I've dug?

Then I hear Him say, "Come to me all who are weary and need rest."
I go and He says, "Cast your cares on Me and I will give you rest. I know how you long to control things, but my child, leg me finish this good work I have begun. I promise it is good."

I lift my eyes and I see You there, standing right where I left You.
All those accusations I threw at You.
You weren't the one to abandon- I ran.
You weren't the one to stop loving- I was.
You weren't the one to lose control- I did.

Here I stand before You- once again.
Broken, but this time in awe of Your mercy and grace.
At the end of me, but not because of my stubbornness.
No, this time I gave me up.
Here I am broken and in awe.
This time  know You are God.

I hear You say, "Come to me all you who are weary and need rest. Cast your cares on Me and I will give you rest. I know you long to control things, but my child, I am finishing this work that I began in you so long ago. Look- as I promised- it is always good."

So here I stay. Instead of looking to me,
I look at Your loving-kindness.
I see Your patience and faithfulness.
I hold on to Your hand, unsure if I can handle Your sheer beauty.
Your holiness and righteousness consumer me
And I know that You are working all these things in me and
You are finishing the work that You started in me.
And I know that it is good!

Irony

"The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence"
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I was cooking in my kitchen last night (shocker, I know) Oh! It was pumpkin/parmesan pasta with rosemary. Really, really scrumptious. But I was cooking in my kitchen last night and all the lights were on. I know that sounds pretty normal for most of you, but I was without an overhead light in my kitchen for three months because the bulb went out and I could not find the correct bulb to replace the old one. Anyways, during those three months I got used to using the dim, yellow stove light. Horrible when you are trying to determine the color of chicken, or something that you are supposed to
"cook till golden brown"... I complained about not having a light for most of those three months (my poor roommates) and got even more frustrated when the stove light went out and I was reduced to using a Pixar looking desk lamp to illuminate the kitchen- talk about ghetto.

Well, about a month ago our landlord came by and fixed all the lights in the house (I was SO excited). I would turn the light on and just stand in the doorway for a little bit just enjoying the pure white light coming from the ceiling. It is a wonderful thing to be able to cook after dark and know what color the food is you are cooking. That is all I have to say about that.

However, last night when I was in the kitchen, I had a bit of a headache and my eyes were hurting from an especially long, exhausting day and I looked at the stove light and thought- "I kind of miss using that old, faithful, yellow light to cook by at  night, it was kind of soothing..." And caught myself wondering why on earth I would ever want to go back to using that dingy light.

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Last year I ran an after school program at a boarding school. I hated it. The school was affectionately known as the "school from hell". The kids did not care, the teachers did not care, and occasionally I found that I did not care. I hate not caring about things so I prayed fervently that God would give me a love for this place. Well, He did, and ironically I volunteered to work at the school this year teaching classes during the day. I went from having a max of 8 students at a time in an informal setting to having a minimum of 28 students in a classroom at a time.

I started out the venture in good spirits. High hopes of great achievements and huge hurdles being leaped over. I quickly lost my enthusiasm and found myself wishing that I had not volunteered for the position.

So there's this saying that I have always kind of hated,

"The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence"

But I guess sometimes it proves true. In both situations I found myself discontent with some factor of some sort. However I have not finished either story yet. You see, the grass may seem different and we can live our lives always chasing the other pasture, but then again, we can also make the most of what we have been given and find contentment.

In the case of the kitchen light... I find myself occasionally smiling as I turn off the main light in the kitchen and turn on the dingy stove light to finish dinner or make coffee or tea or something and enjoy a small seemingly insignificant pleasure that I only found by being forced to use the "sub-par".

In the case of the "school from hell".... I find myself frustrated out of my mind sometimes at the situations that present themselves on a daily basis among my 50+ students there ages 8-14 and my co-teachers who really want a break from the children, so they only support you as long as it does not cause them any more trouble. However, I have learned and in many ways am still learning to look at each little victory there and see God's hand moving and molding and changing me, my students, and my coworkers. When my "Bad students" write more neatly than my "good students" I get super excited....When I can get my "student that hates my guts" to acknowledge me and respond to a question I just about squeal into my microphone and jump up and down and praise them because it was good. No matter how small, it was good. There was progress. When a teacher gets concerned because it is a cold, wet, rainy day out and I am wearing short sleeves, my heart is warmed because it shows concern where there was once none. I honestly would not change schools if given the opportunity. I am honored that Daddy has placed me in such a difficult place and I know that in doing so I get to see Him work in some pretty amazing ways. I have come to love this place, and as much as I hate it sometimes (hmmm) I do, deep down inside, love it. =)
Ironic, isn't it?

No matter what the situation, no matter how big or how small, He is at work. He works all things for good according to His good pleasure and He sustains us through the "bad". He is our strong tower, the horn of our salvation, our shelter, our refuge- the lifter of our heads.

What situation do you find yourself in that you wish you could change? Maybe it is time to stop focusing on what you hate about the situation and choose to look at how God is using it to perfect you and work in those around you.

Found

Tall, short, fat, skinny, hyper, sedate, athletic, not-so-athletic, musical, not musical, artistic, not artistic, traveler, homebody, rocker, operatic. 
So many options, so many expectations.
So many opinions.
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So, I grew up around a lot of rules. I never realized it, but I grew up with SO many rules. All the way through college I was surrounded by strict rules.

"Wear this...don't wear this"
"Too short...too low"
"Listen to this kind of music....You can't listen to this kind of music- it's sinful"
"You can't say that!! What will they think of you??"
"Don't go to the movies, it is the appearance of evil"
"Don't sing like that, you sound too worldly"
"Look good on the outside...as long as you have that covered, you can make it by in life."

Okay, so that last one was never verbalized, but I think it was the overlying concept that I was struck by through my teenage and college years. Everything was so focused on appearance and pleasing your parents, your youth leader, pastor, church family, friends...the list could go on. It was never said that way for sure, but in the back of my mind, I always heard a voice asking me,
"What will they think of you if you do, say, wear, etc. that?"
I think it might have had to do with a huge fear of rejection that I have had for years. I was petrified of making someone not like me, or worse yet disappointed in me. I was driven by fear of disappointing my parents and leaders/counselors. I would not make "bad" choices because I knew it would hurt them and could not bear to see them upset with me. My heart was far from the "right" choices so often though.
I wanted to be wild. I wanted to be rebellious. I wanted to be that strong, independent chick that nobody could touch.  There was a certain mystery to that image in my mind. A strength and a refusal to accept hurt from anyone. It seemed more emotionally safe to live that way.

One thing that this mindset and heart attitude brought along with that "toughness" that I did not bargain for was an intense insecurity. I feared people. I feared their opinions of me. I feared pain that was beyond my control. I feared my own emotions and responses to things.
Really all my "strength" had done for me was create more areas of insecurity.

Since coming to China, Daddy's been dealing mercifully with me on so many levels relieving my fears and insecurities and giving me an identity in Him.

Now there's a phrase...."identity in Christ"

Ooooo, sounds legit, yes? I grew up hearing this phrase and knowing that when I accepted Christ I had an "identity in Him". It meant that I was a part of His family, I was made in His image, etc, etc, etc. What I didn't put together was that this "identity" was a personal identity. Unique and special to me. It meant that I would be different from other people. Different from friends and different from family.
Different.
Oh boy, now my old self did not like that word. Different meant people would point and laugh. They would think I was weird. They would make fun of me and talk behind my back. I did not like that.

Ironically, things are different now. I kind of welcome different. Why? Because I know that when I am different because Jesus made me that way and I follow Him alone and seek to please HIM. What people say or think really does not matter.
Sure. The Bible has PLENTY to say about wisdom in counsel from those who are walking according to His precepts, but ultimately this life is lived for my God. The law was put to death over 2,000 years ago! Why do we live today like it still exists to condemn us?

"For there is now therefore NO condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus."

Read it again. No, really. Read it again.

NO condemnation! I do not live my live in fear of condemnation of fear of my family or friends or anyone else in my life. I certainly do not live in fear of condemnation from my Father. What a freeing thought, isn't it?

"Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. If you're tired, and you are, there is freedom."

Not that rules are bad at all. Please do not take what I am saying that way. I am not saying that I despise my childhood, teenage years, or college. On the contrary. I am so very thankful for them. Lord knows I have no idea where I would be today without them. No. My point is simply this,

"I  once was lost, but now I am found."

I no longer wonder who I am and why I do what I do. I no longer wonder why I like what I like and say what I say or wear what I wear. For the longest time, everything about me depended upon where I was, who I was with, etc. Now I do not fear rejection from those people because I know that my Father approves of me and why do I need any other approval?

I do not just want to "make it by" in life. I want to live and thrive. I want to love life and who God made me to be. And that, by God's grace, is what I aim to do!

Motive

I love to bring a smile to someone. I love to make someone feel loved.
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In his book Desiring God, John Piper brings out the definition of hedonism. Doing something with the motive of finding true joy and happiness out of whatever the act or service, word of encouragement, or touch of love we do or give. In short, his ultimate joy and happiness is found in the happiness of God, as he says,

"The chief end of man is to glorify God by enjoying Him forever".

In other words, the best way to glorify God is by simply enjoying Him, the world He created, the gifts and talents He's given, the people He works through, etc. Where am I going with this? Piper talks in his book about when you love someone, it makes you happy to to make them happy. If you think about it, this is really true. I remember my own father telling me that he loved to give us kids gifts, and how he found so much joy in watching us open gifts on birthdays and Christmas'.

I find that I get the most joy out of the smiles, contented sighs after a good meal, a word of thanks, or the look of gratitude that says, "I really needed that right now." I also find that my lowest "feeling" moments are shortly after I pour myself out for someone. Instant gratification and contentendness comes after doing whatever it is that I have done, but give it a few hours, and without fail, I am feeling sad, low, and lonely.

After pondering this for quite some time, I have come to the conclusion that when I do not feel "refilled" after pouring myself out for someone, I just continue to feel empty. This is where Piper's book comes back into play.

The ultimate joy, happiness and fulfillment comes from enjoying Him. It comes in looking to Him to fill us up instead of waiting for those around us to pour into us, which they may or may not have already done. I tend to have very high expectations of people, though and have learned that people seldom reach my expectations. When that happens, I normally plummet into questioning what I did wrong, or what I could have done better- instead of sitting quietly with my Jesus, just enjoying His company.

"For whatever you do....do it to the glory of God,"

So whatever I do, whether I sit and talk with a friend for a few hours, or cook someone a special meal, or clean something for someone, or set aside a time to spend with someone, whatever it is- I must do first unto the Lord. Using my gifts and talents to bring the glory and honor to Him, and then to the person. Only then will I find my truest joy and fulfillment in Him.

It is easy to "do" for people and for God, but do you really find your fulfillment in all that doing? Take a minute and examine your joy level. Is it lacking because you have been waiting for a special person to fill you up or overflowing because you have done your all to His glory- as unto Him.

Peace and love. And joy. :)

Cherish the Food

The sweet, tangy, salty scent drifted into my nostrils and the smooth gooey sauce tantalized my tongue, the carrots were cooked just right. I had never had such a strange combination of flavors in one dish that created such perfection.
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Red wine and dark soy sauce....

Sound gross? Yeah. It is definitely one of the most random delightful, savory combinations I have ever tasted. So good. Amazing. Delicious. Mind-blowing.

Try this on for size...
In a pan cook up some chopped up chicken in lemon, garlic, white wine, black pepper combination and then add your capers. Once the meat is sufficiently cooked and tender, add it into a pot of cooked penne pasta and add your alfredo sauce. Mix the left over lemon, white wine sauce in and BAM! Italian in your face.

OOO!! More beta carotine for you!

Cut carrots into smallish wedges and coat in olive oil, salt, pepper, garlic, cayenne pepper, and either Indian seasoning (for a more exotic flavor) or Chipotle seasoning (for a more smokey fall flavor). Roast on each side in an oven for 20 min a side. Then die as you savor each sweet, smokey, spicy wedge of healthiness.

Mmmkk. So I live in China. Better add something Chinese to this list....
Noodles- I love noodles. So much. So cook those nice thin rice noodles in a pot of chicken flavored water. On the side in a frying pan cook up some eggs with some fresh chopped garlic, salt, and cracked pepper. Then take the eggs out and in the same pan cook up some fresh tomato chunks. After the tomatoes are soft mix all the ingredients in with the noodles and serve as your favorite cold evening comfort food- almost as good as mac'n'cheese.....

.....almost.

Wait! There's more!!

You know, every time I went to the fair as a child, someone got an elephant ear- they were amazing. I loved them. I loved them so much. Just before moving over seas, my sister and I went to the Florida State fair and me, not knowing when the next time I would be at an American fair decided to go all out and get multiple cups of sweet tea, popcorn, cotton candy, a turkey leg, funnel cake, and I do not even remember what else. My sister thought I was crazy, but I thought, "Hey, might as well enjoy it while I have it in front of me!!" (My bank account was not too thrilled with me though by the time I left the fair that night)...
Well. Someone had the amazing idea to make elephant ear pull apart bread. Hello. Brilliant much?
The whole process takes a bit of time, and I am not too keen on baking, but wow.
Warm, gooey, cinnamony, sugary goodness makes the wait SO worth it. Especially with a cup of coffee in hand and eggs in a basket on the side- gives that sweet/salty combination that makes for a killer breakfast!

K, so I'm done raving about how much I love food. I think you get the picture. The point of my passionate explanation about all these uh-mazing dishes is this... Some Chinese friends told me as I was going on about their wine/soy sauce brilliance, to "Cherish the food".

Jokingly, I told them I liked the phrase so much that I was going to title my next blog that. Well, here it is. :) No, really though. We were talking how people do not view cooking as an art so much any more. There is not that creativity poured out over the stove or oven any more. It's, "quick, whip something up cause we are too busy to enjoy something truly good and nutritious!"

I hate that. I love to enjoy savory, good-for-you food. I love it so very much.

Then I started thinking about it. And I transferred the thought away from food into the rest of my life. What do I cherish? What do I savor? I am quite passionate about my cooking, but am I that passionate about my Jesus? I am passionate about music, but am I passionate about Scripture memory? I am passionate about sports, but am I passionate about studying the Word and diligently searching to be more like Christ?

I know the answers to most of these questions. I know that I love my Jesus, I know that I long to know Him more. I know that I desire to drink of the well and drink in His wisdom to shape and guide my life. But I also know that there is a lack of diligence in my life.

Just like it takes practice, courage and work to perfect a recipe, instrument, or sport, so it takes practice, courage and work to maintain a good relationship with God. Keeping in mind that in ourselves dwells no good thing, so always giving credit to our Creator for the grace to grow more like Him...And just like I do not always get a recipe right, and occasionally I make a bad pass on the field (but only occasionally :P ), and sometimes I play the wrong note or chord, I do not always get it right in life. But that is okay- My Savior loves me anyway and just like when my roommates give me a second chance in the kitchen, my Father gives me many chances at whatever He gives me to do. (Best part about Him, though is that He walks me through the whole process. :)

Back to the phrase, "Cherish the food". I always thought this phrase meant, "savor, enjoy, embrace..." the food....then I found out that it means, "be thankful and do not waste the food because we did not always have an abundance of food" (referring back to historical events in China when food was scarce). This also should impact our view of God. Cherish Him. We did not always have His light in our lives. We were once lost in darkness, we did not know what it was like to have His Word in our hearts, lighting our paths, revealing our insecurities and giving promises abundantly.

"Hallelujah, all I have is Christ, Hallelujah, Jesus is my life!"

Cherish the Word.
Cherish Christ.

The Calm

When winds are raging o'er the upper ocean,

And billows wild contend with angry roar,

'Tis said, far down beneath the wild commotion, 

That peaceful Stillness reigneth evermore.

Far, far beneath, the noise of the tempest diet,

And silver waves chime ever peacefully,

And no rude storm, how fierce soe'er it flieth, 

Disturbs the Sabbath of that deeper sea.

So to the heart that knows Thy love, O Purest,

There is a temple sacred evermore,

And all the babble of life's angry voices

Dies in hushed silence at its peaceful door.

Far, far away, the roar of passion dieth,

And loving thoughts rise calm and peacefully,

And no rude storm, how fierce soe'er it flieth

Disturbs the soul that dwells, O Lord, in Thee.

-Harriet Beecher Stowe

...........................

Possibly my new favorite poem right now. I was reading a devotional on Philippians 4:7 this weekend and it talked about an ultimate calm beneath any tumultuous circumstance. They called it the "cushion of the sea". Paul calls it the "peace that surpasses understanding", meaning the ultimate peace in your inner being that assures you that while your world is seemingly spinning violently out of control, you are still safe in the Father's arms,

This peace is a peace that cannot be explained. It "surpasses understanding" as Paul says, it guards our hearts, our feelings, our emotions our thoughts, and our minds. Every part of our human existence is affected by this peace. While many people respond to their situations with fear, uncertainty, anxiety, anger, frustration, or depression, we have the knowledge of the love of Christ that will perfect us unto every good and perfect work.

I am so thankful as I look at my own life to see that ultimate guiding peace that has been limitlessly supplied by my gracious Father. Regardless of the time of life: the age, the school, the house, the church, the city, the country, the continent... I have been comforted and held in the palm of His hand- in the shadow of the Almighty God.

And so we see that we do not walk this path alone. We walk it guided and cared for by our loving Shepherd. The same One who if we stray is faithful to lead us back to the fold, will protect us even when we are stubborn, and love on us no matter what we have done. What an awesome thought of our omnipotent, holy God as our loving Shepherd!

This being said and marveled on, I think it is important to remember that these truths apply to those who find their home in Him. Stowe writes,

"And no rude storm, how fierce so'er it flieth, disturbs the soul that dwells, O Lord, in Thee."

Note that last phrase..."disturbs the soul that dwells...in Thee" The only way we can dwell in Him is by finding Him where He is and choosing to stay there. Choosing to meditate on His words, choosing to find safety in His promises, and then choosing to hide ourselves in those truths. Capturing every thought and bringing them unto the subjection of our loving Father.

It is here that we find peace. It is here we find understanding. It is here that we find true fulfillment and joy.

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the Shadow of the Almighty."

Altar to God

The Israelites were instructed to build altars in the places where God made Himself very real to them.

Wherever He provided what they needed.
Wherever He conquered their giants.
Wherever He saved their lives.
.............................
I went to Haiti about a year and a half ago. I remember that trip being one of the most difficult trips out of the country that I ever took.
The country was hard, the people were hard, and the team did not seem as unified as I had wanted. I was asked to go as a leader on the team and took that very seriously. I wanted to do the best I could for God in that position. I wanted to facilitate a good experience for each team member and see the most work done at the orphanage we were at as possible.

Needless to say, things did not go quite as I had expected, planned or hoped for.

We were met by difficulties at every corner. Financial difficulties getting there, luggage difficulties once we got there, language barriers and lack of communication caused things to go "spiraling out of control". By the end of the trip, I saw God's hand moving, I saw Him working and I slowly learned to let go of my plans and ideas. Just before we left, I noticed some beautiful smooth stones on the ground. I bent over and picked them up. Dirty? Yes. But something prompted me to clean them off and take them home.

Every country I visit I take a souvenir home to remember it by. Haiti being....well, Haiti, did not have many souvenirs. I took the stones to remember what God had done in Haiti and in my heart in Haiti. I stacked them up in my room and it became my altar to God's faithfulness. Since then, I have thought about altars many times and marked moments in my life that serve as an altar to His grace.

Yesterday I went to my old apartment here in China to visit some friends. My first real "home" when I got here. I almost instantly got all sentimental as I thought back to all the many memories I had there (I was only there for 3 months, but a lot can happen in 3 months!!!). I walked out to the balcony and looked over the familiar scene, smelled the familiar smells, and heard the familiar sound of children playing in the street. In the background I heard songs being played of God's faithfulness to His children.

As I looked out over that familiar scene, tears welled up in my eyes. I thought back to the many trials I had faced while in that apartment and how God had always been faithful to carry me through. I thought of how many things He taught me since I left that apartment and looked at the person I have become since I first set foot in that little apartment. Tears spilled out as I thanked God for His grace and love and mercy to me in the last eight months. I could not think of a thing to say, but "Thank you". 

The one thought that kept coming back to me was, "I would not trade any of this for anything in the world. I do not wish that it had happened any other way."

All the time that I was experiencing trials and months of growth and deep  weeding in my heart...all the times I wished there was another way to grow....All the times I thought He did not know what He was doing...He was right there, at work in me, and holding my hand beside me.

I was talking to a friend earlier that day about my experiences in the last year with working in the States and my journey here to China and the familiar Jeremiah 29:11 came up.

"For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

I am so thankful for a God, Father, and Friend who already knows my next move, who is planning to give me a life that glorifies Him and one that is full of hope. Now, whenever I go back to that happy apartment that is so much like home to me, I will remember it as an altar to God's faithfulness to me and His people here.

He is so good. He is so faithful. He is so loving. He is so gracious.

He deserves our remembrance! I would encourage you to mark out altars to God of remembrance for His sovereignty to you. It will amaze and humble you, and strengthen you as you face the trials of today.

He will never leave His children. He will never forsake them. He never has. He never will.

Game On!

6'5", 210lbs and in the smack dab center of the field. Martin Avey had the ball and 5'9", 115lbs Jo was the only one between him and his goal. Everyone said, "oh she's never gonna be able to take him...don't do it, Jo! He'll kill you!!"

Do you think he got past the halfway line?  HECK NO!

They used to say that I was tenacious on the soccer field... and they all cheered when I got my first yellow card...said it should have come years earlier.

Well what can I say? The ball was always mine and I was never very good at sharing.
.............
Anyone who knows me fairly well knows that I am a highly competitive person. I always have been and I probably always will be. I blame that on my wonderful family that I love dearly. :)
 Game nights in our house were far from the normal family game nights. They usually ended in arguing over someone not playing right, or cheating, or not paying attention, and at least one person being sent to their room and another couple upset at the outcome of the game.
 We would have bike races through the neighborhood, contests to see who could make the biggest waves in the pool, always measuring our height to see who was the tallest, who could make it to the door first, who could make it to the stove first, who could get up the stairs first (okay, okay- that didn't happen till college)...you get the picture. Everything we did was a contest- it kept life interesting.

Now that I'm older (and more mature I might add :P ) I am a completely different person. I let people win. I look for ways to make other people better than me. I try to get other people to win.
And above all, I NEVER get upset when someone beats me at something.

...

Yeah. I wish. What's that saying?

"You can take the girl out of the competition, but you can't take the competition out of the girl"

It's true. I still find myself in constant competition with the people around me. No matter what it is, I strive to be the best.
This has its pros and cons obviously. Depending on how I wield this strength it can inspire me or destroy me.
One of the things that I tend to compare myself to others with is the fundamental mistake of believing that there are "levels" of "good Christians" and depending on how you react to certain situations will dictate if you are a "good Christian" or not.
  In my head, I knew that there was no such thing as a "Good little Christian" (especially when I would help others see the lies in this mindset) but in my heart for some reason, I was giving way to it. I found myself condemning my thoughts, actions, attitudes, struggles, and failures.
The more I condemned myself the lower I fell into depression.

"And though this world, with devils filled,
Should threaten to undo us,
We will not fear, for God has willed
His truth to triumph through us.
The prince of darkness grim,
We tremble not for him-
His rage we can endure,
For lo! HIs doom is sure:
One little word shall fell him."

This was a famous passage written by Martin Luther in one of his deepest depressions. He had discovered the victory over the dark one- The Word of God- "...sharper than a two-edged sword..." can conquer the evilest of foes.

"For there is now therefor no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." says Romans 8:1.

I remember my pastor in high school spending quite a bit of time on this verse.
What a thought.

No condemnation.
None.

This is freedom in Christ. There is now therefore no condemnation....no condemnation because each thought, action, attitude, struggle, and failure was already taken care of on the cross. This concept, once grasped and digested into our hearts is the ultimate inspiration to walk humbly with our God.

"When Satan tempts us to despair, and tells us of the guilt within- upward I look and see Him there, who made an end to all my sin. Because the sinless Savior died, my sinful soul was counted free!"

Oh blessed thought!

No more earning good favor with Him. No more fear of never being good enough. No more condemnation of not responding correctly. Just freedom. Freedom in the thought that He has already done everything. He's paid the price. He is conquered sin. He has liberated the once enslaved soul to live and sing unto Him for ever and ever.

"And we sing glory to God,
 Glory to God,
 Glory to God forever!
 Glory to God,
 Glory to God,
 Glory to God forever and ever!"

So then...competition...friend or foe? I say friend- when given the proper grace saturated perspective. It pushes us to do better, to do our best.
All the time.
And that goes along with 1 Corinthians 10:31:

"And whatsoever you do, whether you eat or drink, do all to the glory of God."

The Little Things

It's the look from the leathery skinned old man with a pack on his back, it's the smile from the twenty-something year old student on the bus, it's the hug from my Daddy when no one is around and I needed to know that I am loved, it's the girl at the coffee shop just begging to be loved, it's the man that lets you on the bus before him.
........................
They say it's the little things in life that really matter, you can have all the big, huge, amazing, exciting things happen, but the ones that touch you the most always come in the most unexpected ways and the most unexpected times.

The horizon is grey as I look across the sea. I stretch and climb out of bed. It's another day. I walk out to the smell (finally) of freshly brewed coffee and smile as I pour my first cup of happiness. I begin my day and enjoy making jokes with my students and talking life with them- always amazed by opportunities I have when talking with them.

I walk outside and am met by a surprisingly cool breeze and overcast skies. Fall has got to be the only time of year that cloudy skies make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I catch a hint of....fall on the breeze and smile as I think of home and my Daddy coming home from work- it's funny. The associations that we have with certain things. I walk to the bus stop and get on- no one can damper my happy mood as I listen to my ever so exciting play lists. Another exhilarating trip to the import store. I walk in and my head turns to the left. There it is. Florida's Natural Orange Juice! Sigh. The little things in life like a taste of home grown orange juice. Price tags don't matter in those moments, you just grab, pay and find a cup as fast as you can so you can guzzle the precious gold colored liquid.

 I get home and open the windows. A pleasant breeze fills the apartment.  I drink my orange gold and smile as I think back on all the beautiful Octobers past spent in not-really-sunny-in-the-fall Southwest Florida. As I remember those days I think of all the things that stuck out to me. The smell of home made spaghetti sauce simmering all day in the kitchen, pumpkin candy corn in the glass jar on the shelf, windows open, Mom's piano students playing Autumn Leaves, savory home made soups, the sounds of Dad's car and he pulled up at 5p every day, and laughter as we said the most ridiculous things; basketball practice in the afternoon and soccer practice on Thursday evenings and games on a Friday evenings. None of these things were anything big or spectacular in and of themselves, but there was obviously something about each of those things that I just mentioned that etched itself into my memory.

This can be a wonderful experience for us, those wonderful little moments in life that bring us joy and encouragement. But it works the same on the flip side. All those little comments that sting you as you walk through your day, the man who glared at you as though you had no right to sit on the bench at the bus stop, the sarcastic side comment that really didn't need to be said....all these things affect you just as much as the positive little things. Whether you are hearing them or they are coming out of your mouth- someone, somewhere is going to remember them.

The fall is a time of remembering for me. So many things that remind me of all that I love. That's when you realize that it's not really all those big exciting moments that matter in life, it's the every day, little things that make you who are, that define you.

That is why it is so important it then to make sure that we are filling our lives with the meaningful. Watch what you say and what you do, you never know whose little moment you are making. Never waste a moment- you are defining yourself. Who are you creating today?

Fearfully and Wonderfully...

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."
.........................................

These verses have been on my mind a lot as of recent. I've heard them ever since I can remember and thought, "Oh yeah, those are nice. They affirm creation over evolution....Good stuff." But I never really grasped the fullness of the message of praise that David was offering up to God.

"For you formed my inward parts"

Yes, God formed the organs and all that (that's what I always thought this part meant) But God formed every detail of my soul- every wacky and crazy personality cork that I have. Everything that makes me, well, me! He formed a love for music and sports, He created my brain to run at a thousand billion killibites per millisecond. He created me to be a little on the crazy side. He created me to have moments of silence where I need to be alone and just bask in His presence.

"I am fearfully and wonderfully made"

Okay, take a minute here... I realize that some people may be afraid of me, but that's not the fear that this verse is talking about. I am fearfully made in the image of a most high, most holy God. I am wonderfully made- all those personality corks that I once looked at as defects or hindrances were formed in the most thought out, detailed, creative way to create one very unique daughter with a very unique purpose.

This summer I really struggled through some times of real insecurity with myself. My job situation changed a few times and I started believing the lie that I was not good enough to do anything. I failed at everything I touched. Everyone around me had a brighter, happier story to tell than I did. I had no purpose in life. This really through me in a downward spiral for a while and somehow at some point during period of time, I realized I hit  rock bottom. I couldn't really go down any further.

Thankfully, His grip never loosened on me- His arms never moved from around me. During this time I had some good friends lifting me up in prayer, constantly reminding me of the truth that I knew about my loving Father. And in the mean time He was revealing the vastness of His love and grace to me. He was reminding me truths like this one- "Joanna, you are fearfully and wonderfully made- I didn't make a mistake and say, 'Oops, this one's a dud'. I created you with a purpose and I love you"
and,
 "As high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is your love towards me"

And finally the overwhelming realization of the vastness of His immeasurable grace overwhelmed me like the ocean overwhelms a small fishing boat in a hurricane. I am loved with an everlasting love. You are loved with an everlasting love. A love that has nothing to do with you or me. A grace covers you that neither you, nor I deserve.

I write this for all of those out there who struggle with identity. Who struggle to know that they are loved. Who struggle to realize that His grace reaches EVEN you and your situation.
I write to assure the girls who don't feel beautiful that you are FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made- you are beautiful. Truly. And your beauty is found only in the most beautiful, most high God- your Father.
Stop looking for security and worth in and of yourself. It only ends in lonely despair. Look to Him who created you and see the beauty and creativity in His masterpiece- You.

"Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."

And yes, my soul does know it well and I can say, "It is well, with my soul."

Prayer Answered by Crosses

I had a professor in college who gave out countless hand outs in class. To be honest, when I saw them coming I would pull out my folder and shove the hand out in and not look at it again. After all, we got them almost every class period- there was nothing special about them...or was there?

Senior year I got smart (no pun intended) and actually started paying attention to them and I found that they were actually quite helpful, yes- even powerful! I came across this one while packing for China and put it on my little board to see every day.

It has been on my mind quite a bit recently.

.............

1 I ask'd the Lord, that I might grow
In faith, and love, and ev'ry grace,
Might more of his salvation know,
And seek more earnestly his face.

2 'Twas he who taught me thus to pray,
And he, I trust has answer'd pray'r;
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair.

3 I hop'd that in some favour'd hour,
At once he'd answer my request:
And by his love's constraining pow'r,
Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

4 Instead of this. he made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart;
And let the angry pow'rs of hell
Assault my soul in ev'ry part.

5 Yea more, with his own hand he seem'd
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Cross'd all the fair designs I schem'd,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

6 Lord, why is this, I trembling cry'd,
Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death?
"'Tis in this way," the Lord reply'd,
"I answer pray'r for grace and faith.

7 "These inward trials I employ,
"From self and pride to set thee free;
"And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
"That thou mayst seek thy all in me."

John Newton

.............
We think that just because we take something before the throne, naturally it will get better- that is what He does, is it not?

He fixes things.

We forget that sometimes pain is required in the purification process. Sometimes we will not understand until we feel the agony of sacrifice. Sometimes we cannot understand without knowing the brevity of life. Sometimes we need a cross to answer our calls.

Whistle while you.....sit?

The children are calling, I must help.

The beggar on the street cries out for help in just one glance, I must help.

The woman on the bus has eyes of sadness, I must help.

The church needs a nursery worker, I must help.

They need people to clean and set up and tear down, I must help. 

Suddenly I am exhausted, I feel useless and worn; I am confused and frustrated.

........

Work, work, work. This is what we do- if we do not work enough we are selfish and slothful. Our father has given us hands for a purpose, our minds for a purpose! Use them!

And so she does, Faith wakes up in the morning with a list already forming in her mind. Her guilt levels rising because she knows she cannot do all the work that needs doing. But He requires it- He will help her get it done because it is what He wants. So, she sets her hand at the plow and gets ready for another frustrating seemingly fruitless day, but it is okay because she knows in the end- it will be worth it, He will smile and say, "Well done!"

She opens the Word and reads, "Be still and know that I am G*d, I will be exalted among the nations." She thinks to herself, "Yes, YES! He is G*d, now I must exalt him among the nations! And yet again she sets her hand to the plow and finds herself frustrated at the end of every day. 

She is confused.

She is frustrated.

She does not understand why the harder she works, the more frustrated and unhappy she becomes.

This is his work after all- it was supposed to bring fulfillment!

This goes on for years and her very soul becomes weary of this tiresome ordeal. Her joy is almost gone and she does not even really enjoy the work anymore that once looked so fulfilling! She begins to look for more work- surely she is not doing enough. 

"If I could just find that one area that no one else is working on and I could work on in and fix it- then I would be eternally satisfied and my father would be so proud of me!" she thinks to herself.

What she does not realize is that no matter how hard she works, no matter what kind of work she does, she will never be fulfilled by it.

You see, her father looks at her and says, "Why are you working so hard?"

"I want to make you smile! I want you to be proud of me!" she replies.

"But I already am! I was proud to call you my daughter, you never had to do anything to make me proud of you. Will you come and sit with me? I just want to sit with you a while."

"I will later, but right now I have to finish what I am working on- it is for you! You will be so surprised how much I can accomplish. I could not do it without you, though- thank you for all your help!"

"But you are missing the time we could be sitting here watching the tide come in and go out, the time to feel the warm sunshine on your skin and the gentle breeze across your face. I have something very special for you here.  Come, sit with me?"

"There is just too much to do here now; there will be plenty of time for sitting with you later, you know that! I only have a little bit of time here to get all of this done!"

And off she goes again away from her father to work. He looks after her with sadness in his eyes- he knows how much she is missing.

This conversation happens often and still she does not understand that he really does just want to spend time with his daughter! Finally, one day she is sitting down- exhausted and frustrated- really at the end of herself.  She puts her head in her hands and shakes her head. She looks up for a moment and catches the glimpse of something beautiful. 

It is a promise.

She has seen it many times before, but there is something different about it this time, almost like she was blind before to it's beauty. She looks a little closer and it says, "Be still and know that I am G*d, I will be exalted among the nations!"

It is like a key has turned and finally she sees it! I will be exalted among the nations... He does not need her help for that- He can do it all by himself! He really does just want her to sit with him for a while, He really does just want to spend time with her and talk with her. When work needs to be done, he'll take care of it- He might do it through her, but she does not have to keep working so hard, she just needs to be still.

"Be still and know that I am G*d; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

He does not need you or I to accomplish anything, you see- He is G*d! He does not need any of us, or any of our works. "All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away."

"Yet, O L*d, you are our father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand."

How can clay ever be molded if it is constantly jumping around, trying to mold itself? The answer obviously is that it cannot! It musts be still and know the potter's touch.

Do you know the Potter's touch? When he asks you to come sit a while with him, do you?

Blessings in disguise

The birds sing, the children yell and the jackhammer pounds away.
.........
Day two in bed. So I suppose I have had better days, but how can I complain? I have been given a roof over my head with a view of the sea, I have a rotating fan next to my bed on one side and an air conditioner on the other. I have warm soup just a little ways away and have been blessed with friends who care.
It is easy to get bogged down when your body is not up to speed, but I must not lose sight of all that has been given me.

This morning I lay in bed because any movement would make me dizzy, and listened as the rain cascaded from the sky- seven floors up is just above the tree tops so I get to hear it as it filters through the leaves. Such a beautiful lullaby- I dared to lean up to peak out my window to get a view of the light rain and I was greeted by a soft wind as it tousled the tree tops and rain as it landed in the fish pond below. Something so fresh and cheerful about it- though I have no clue how a rainy day can seem cheerful when you are sick...He must have just been opening my eyes to His beauty in spite of any physical ailments. I love it when He does that!

All this time in bed has allowed me to finally finish my book that I have been working on for quite some time entitled "Because He Loves Me". I wanted to share a quote from it- think on it.

"‎"On the days when you feel as though you'll never get it, you'll never please him, you're such a failure, you must remember the lavish gift: his great heart pumped blood through his veins and then out his wounds so that he could bless you. This perfect blood streamed down his body and tumbled through space, pooling on the earth beneath his feet... trampled on by those who stood below jeering. It mingled with the dirt he had created, and from it grew your hope. And then, on the days when you believe you're finally getting it, finally pleasing him, when you think you can look in satisfaction at your goodness, you'll need to look at that blood in satisfaction at your goodness, you'll need to look at that blood even more closely. Take yourself to Calvary and stand there until all your good works seem to you as they really are: vile sludge purified only by the cleansing flow"

Yesterday, I went to work in the morning and had a "this is why I teach" moment. One of my little Korean boys who I have had quite a time struggling with, tapped my knee and leaned over and said, "Teacher, teacher! I....love YOU! I love you, I love you!!" His precious face sparkled as the words came out of his mouth and I thought back on the difficulties we have had since my arrival two months ago. This is the same boy who would hardly same "hello" in English much less Chinese as he is learning three languages at the same time at the young age of six!
That same day, one of my little Chinese girls came over and gave me a hug. This is the same little girl who would not come near me since I had arrived. We had struggled through learning letters in the alphabet and learning to be quiet during quiet time, and here she was for the first time not shying away from me as I gave her a hug.
These truly are the moments we teach for- all you teachers out there know what I mean. These moments are worth so much more than any paycheck or good recommendation on a resume because these are the moments that last.

Aroma

The street is busy and I politely excuse myself to the woman whose arm I just bumped. I inhale deeply and instead of instantly choking on a cloud of smoke from the man in front of me, my senses are awakened by the aroma of little purple and white flowers- spring has come on my walk to work!
........
I walk out my gate in the morning and the mist brushes over my skin. I walk out to the street and a bus rushes past me leaving fumes and dust to cling to my damp skin. I wrinkle my nose- nothing like a fresh start to a new day. Somehow it just does not seem so "fresh".
I wait for my bus to arrive and when it does I am squeezed out of the doorway of the bus and am left standing alone on the sidewalk to wait for the next bus. When it arrives I sit down, feeling sticky before my work even begins, but I can't help but smile as the bus climbs the mountain situated between my apartment and my school. I look to the left and see little dots of orange and purple amidst a sea of green. I look to the right and the corners of my mouth start to go up as pink bushes flash by. Within minutes we are driving by a mountain covered in little purple flowers and I marvel at the handiwork of my father to maintain such a beautiful garden.

We arrive at the final bus stop and I squeeze off the bus and begin walking the remainder of the way to my school. Dodging spit blobs and ducking away from clouds of thick smoke that seem to constantly threaten to choke me, I am somehow able to catch several glances.

I see loneliness.
In others I see a hardened angry shell.
And yet others I see emptiness and fear.

It is almost like the world around me stops in that moment.

I continue my walk and suddenly my nostrils are tickled with the soft scent- unobtrusive like the thick smoke I have inhaled all morning. No, this is the light scent of the purple and white flowers that fill a median to my right. I smile to myself as I think of their location: the middle of city, next to a busy bus stop. They almost seem out of place, but I could not be more happy with their placement.

I recently shared a joyous evening with some dear brothers and sisters gathered to sing to our father and meditate on the wonders he bestows on us. As we sang and shared thoughts with each other, a brother shared about the aroma within us. In 2 Corinthians, Paul reminds his brothers and sisters that we are the aroma of our father to those who are lost and perishing.  My mind went instantly to the cheerful scent of the purple and white flowers on my walk to school in the mornings. If people see us and wrinkle their noses at us we have not represented our father properly.
He is the sweetest aroma.
The Ultimate.
When they are near us, they should be able to "smell" his aroma on us- it should be sweet and pleasant. We should bring a smile to the faces of those we see and interact with on a day to day basis. We do not have the option of smelling the least bit foul on any given day- we may be the only whiff of him that a person may get.

The Most Bitter Pain

What a weekend- One day filled with bitter pain and two days later the most inconceivable joy. Who knew that one weekend could be filled with such sorrow and such joy.

......

I still cannot believe it. My mind cannot wrap itself around these past few days. 

One day here, the next gone, and then here again.

Wednesday he was here with us, at Martha's house. We sat and listened to him, as we often did. We had a casual meal- nothing big, just some bread, fish, and herbs. Nothing special at the time. I did not realize it would be the last meal of it's kind, though.
Wednesday evening I could tell something was wrong, he seemed- I do not know, sad. his eyes just looked sad. I could not figure out what was wrong- the sun had been shining all day and the soft breeze carried with it a soft scent of the season's first fig trees. It reminded me of when I first met him- about a year ago. So much has happened since then- I have learned so much and I really felt like I knew him and what he could do. I thought maybe some of his friends were going through a difficult time, one of them always seemed to have some sort of conflict in their life...

Thursday I had to take care of some business in the village and by the time I got home it was time to tidy up a bit- the gentle breeze from Wednesday had turned into a stronger wind on Thursday and there was a good layer of dust all over my tables and kitchen counters. The day seemed like many other days, but nothing could prepare me for the news I would receive that night.

I remember it so clearly, as though it were happening right now! I had just gone to bed and was just drifting off to a much needed sleep when I heard a voice calling me from a distance, getting closer and closer until I heard a banging on my door- it was Martha and she was sobbing. I could not imagine what happened. Maybe Lazarus had died? But surely she would know that Jesus could raise him from the dead again- he had done it once already, maybe he was going to have a bigger crowd this time and he needed to make more people believe he really was the son of God? Well, I climbed out of bed and answered the door- Martha looked paler than the unleavened flour we used for our bread today- she nearly collapsed into my arms.

"They have taken him," she sobbed, "They have arrested him and have taken him to Pilot. John and some of the others started to follow the crowd, but I think Peter is the only one to have gotten in to the courts outside Pilot's gate."

I could not believe my ears.

I stayed with Mary and Martha that night. We were unsure if we were safe- after all, he had brought Lazarus back from the dead-they might come after him too. Friday dawned very solemnly and by noon they had tried him, scourged and beaten him, mocked him, and sent him to die on a cross. I still could not believe it.

What was his plan? Was this not taking the whole miracle thing a little far? This was a little extreme. Surely after such horrible treatment he would heal himself before their eyes- maybe they would all believe then?

Blood ran down his now almost deformed body. I will never forget the pain that I saw that day. I caught glimpse of his eyes at one point and the sadness I had observed two days earlier was replaced with pain, a little determination and the most intense sorrow. I cannot explain just what I saw in that moment when our eyes met. I did not fully understand it myself- at least not then.

They took him to the top of the hill and they took those nails- nails like those used to secure thick ropes on to the ships Peter and John used to fish off of- and drove them into his wrists. The sound was like the beating of his heart, sharp and excruciating. Unexplainable. Then his feet. 

Oh the agony!

I noticed a soldier standing near by where the cross would be raise. He was just standing there. My heart condemned him for wearing the colours of the Roman Empire. How could he just stand there and watch, how could he live with himself for what they were doing to my friend? My heart was breaking, my head spinning, my face red and my blood boiling. I started to feel that familiar anger rising up in me again; I had not felt that since he had been talking to me about love, forgiveness and gentleness. I had actually started to conquer that anger. But now they were taking it all away. It was their fault- I could not help it!

.......

Everything was dark, like it was midnight, but it was only just before three in the afternoon. He cried out with a loud voice and then stopped breathing. I heard someone scream out the most heart wrenching cry of sadness and I felt myself fall to the ground. I realized that I had been the one who cried out.
I was sobbing uncontrollably. 

How could this happen? He said he was God! How could he die if he was God? Why did he not show them all how powerful he really was? Had I been following a liar? It could not be!

Then I heard a voice ever so soft, but clear as day,

"Truly this was the Son of God." it whispered.

I looked up, through my tears I saw that it was that same soldier my heart had condemned just a few hours earlier. Now my heart condemned me for my bitter thoughts towards this man who now had stronger faith than I.

I was so hurt, so confused...so...numb.

I went home that night and just sat. For hours I sat. I thought of all the conversations we had together, all the laughs we shared, all the tears he dried, the times he stopped me from saying what I should not, the times he smiled at me and I could feel his pleasure. They were wonderful memories, but what good were they all now?

The next few days were difficult to say the least. None of us really knew what to do. We all stayed inside most of the day and just sat together-night and day.

I woke up Sunday morning and expected to feel happy. I remembered that Jesus said something about maybe coming back to life on Sunday morning- I was sure I would know it if it really happened. Maybe there would have been an earthquake, or heaven would open up! I felt the opposite though. I felt even worse. He was not at my house, he was not at Mary and Martha's house, he was not there, with me, like he had been. I did not feel like he was alive. It must have just been another one of those figurative stories- he told many of those..

Finally, Mary and Martha and the other Mary and I decided we should see that his body was taken care of properly. With heavy hearts we prepared the incense and oils to put over his body. We trudged up to the place they had laid his body.

I looked up first.

I could not believe my eyes.

"Did we come to the right one?" I asked. "This tomb is open and their is a man alive by the stone!"

The other women gasped.

"Do not be frightened!" The man in white said kindly, "I know you are looking for Jesus- he died and was laid in this tomb three days ago. But he is no longer here."

"Where have the taken...." I tried to interrupt and ask the man, but he continued as though I had never opened my mouth.

"He is risen! Just like he always said he would. He is not dead anymore! Quickly! Go and tell your friends- tell his followers he is alive!"

I almost fell over- we were all already feeling weak from all the crying and none of us had really eaten for three days- no one felt like it. Was I hearing him correctly? Alive? It could not be. 

Suddenly I wondered if it was the Romans trying to trap his followers and get us all together, to round us up like a herd of goats. Get us all together and then arrest us. We decided it would be best not to say anything to the others. Who would believe us anyway- they would say we had just gone mad from the grief.

A little later, we were all sitting again in a room- just sitting quietly- when Mary Magdalene burst into the room. 

"I have seen him!" She exclaimed, "With my own two eyes I have seen him! He is alive, he is alive!!! I know you might now believe me, but you must!! I have just come from him, and he is alive!"

Of course no one believed her. I wondered that she would make such a claim after our agreement not to say anything about our encounter with the man at Jesus' tomb. Either she was being legit or she really had gone mad. The strange thing was, a couple of our friends said they had similar experiences.

Finally, Peter and John and the rest of the men were eating while Martha and I cooked and served them food when he came in.

Did you hear what I just said?

He CAME IN. Like, we had just set the food out when the door opened and I heard a voice. I knew instantly it was him. I did not know whether I was dreaming or it was real. I did not know whether to laugh or cry! My closest friend was dead yesterday. Like, the soldier pierced his side. He was crucified and pierced before being pronounced dead. There was no question about it.

But here he was- standing in the doorway.

He rebuked us. He rebuked us for not believing Mary and the other two who said they saw him. He rebuked us for our stubbornness and depression. 

His words stung.

My heart burned within me, like it had the first time he ever spoke to me and I knew I was wrong. Yes, this was him- I knew it was. I knew his voice. Then our eyes met. Those eyes that were always filled with such a deep kindness that had been darkened by sadness, pain, and sorrow were now shining with life! They were soaked in love and bright as though he had something more planned, but they also had a hint of disappointment in them. I knew he was disappointed with the judgement I had placed on the soldier at the cross, and the anger I had towards the Romans for killing him, and my mocking heart towards Mary. I knew it was because I had chosen to act on those feelings of anger, and bitterness. 

But the light that I saw in his eyes told me that I could leave it all behind- I could leave those things behind- he had already forgiven me!  When he said, "It is finished" on the cross before he died meant so much more than what I had thought. I understood- in that one look, I understood what he meant. He meant that all those bitter thoughts, the anger inside of me, the grief that I held on to- He had forgiven them all! That's why he had to die. 

Now I understood!!

I had wondered over and over again, but here was the answer! He died so I would not be held captive by those things. He was alive to show me that I could live without them. I could live now because he lived!

I can live because he lives. I can LIVE because HE LIVES!

He lives. He LIVES!

I still cannot believe it. But I know that I will never be the same. He is not here anymore. I saw him- with my own eyes-ascend into heaven. He said he had to go to prepare a place for us. He also said he would not leave us alone- he would send a Comforter. I know he did. I still fight those feelings of anger and bitterness inside of me sometimes, but I feel stronger now, I feel comforted. I do not feel alone anymore.

I know he is here-in me, though I cannot see him anymore, I know that he is here.

Knowing that makes everyday worth it. 

I can live now because He lives! Hallelujah!!

Rainy Days

Nothing worse than your shoes dying as you walk through the rain...Until your umbrella breaks too.
......
Well, like yesterday marked the beginning of another week of gloomy weather. Sunday-Tuesday were absolutely GORGEOUS days, warm and sunny with a gentle breeze caressing whatever it touched.
Monday was the start of Tomb Sweeping holiday here. Wednesday was the actual holiday, but they celebrate Monday-Wednesday. Unfortunately you have to make up all those days on the weekends....So much for a holiday.
None-the-less I made the most of those three days. Monday was catch up with some family on skype morning followed by a leisurely lunch and 6k on the beach. Ran on the boardwalk that follows the coast of the island for 25 miles or so.
I inhaled deeply- the sea.
I looked around- the sea.
I smiled- the sea.
Everything in me screamed "I LOVE THIS PLACE!!"

Well after my run I made a blackberry cobbler. Which reminds me- I made an chicken Alfredo pasta dish on Sunday, and if I am allowed to say so myself- it was delicious. I splurged a bit on some ingredients but it was SO worth it. The pasta was followed by some little french pound cakes I found topped with my first mango citrus sauce with a little milk for cream.
Heaven.
Sigh. I do love my kitchen so very much!

Tuesday marked Gulongue Island day. Went with a couple of friends and had just a marvelous time bartering for hats and dresses. Enjoyed a sensational mango shaved ice with REAL Hershey's syrup on it. Took a little cart around the island and was able to really enjoy the beauty of this little tourist trap. Tuesday evening went to another noodle place- this was a Japanese noodle shop. After dinner we headed to a KTV place and had a ball- just too much fun! First KTV in Xiamen- much different than in Mengzi! (In a safer sort of way :) )
Wednesday was tea day. My roommate and a friend and I went out tea shopping. I was with two Chinese girls so I was bound to get some good tea, and goodness did I ever! After trying several kinds of tea, I settled on a flower tea- Jasmine, and a white/black tea mix also known as barley tea. We window shopped for a bit and had fun just getting to know each other better. That evening after several other adventures I baked these amazing peanut butter oatmeal bars which are becoming a new staple in my diet.
Today- back to work and back to the clouds. Hoping that these days of rain and smog are soon replaced by warm breezes and sun.

At long last...

I hesitated then pointed down the sidewalk and said, "There's supposed to be a good noodle shop down there..."
My voice trailed off.
............
We entered the narrow entrance to a noodle shop and looked at the cooks.
The cooks looked back at us.
A man got up from his seat and said- "You come in. Sit." And then walked out.
We eyed the orange cafeteria tables and chose one right in the entrance of the shop.
One of the cooks approached us with a menu in Chinese characters, pointed and seemed to ask if we could read it. Laughing he put it down again and pointed to the man sitting behind us busily eating noodles and brown meat.
"Er mein?" He said, asking if we wanted two orders of what the man behind us had.
We laughed, "Dui, dui- xia xia!" We agreed it looked good, so what was the harm in trying?
We waited a few minutes and the man brought out a couple bowls of soup- a broth with some herbs- green onions and cilantro. I think it was a beef stock. Simply wonderful, though a bit warm to be able to enjoy as quickly as I wanted to. Then he brought us two platters piled high with wide noodles and shaved meat, something pickled, and lots of little green herbs with a sauce all over it.
I mixed it all together.
I took a bite.
Everything went silent.
The once busy street turned into a field with a gentle breeze. The shop turned into a small hut in a remote village. Everyone seemed to disappear in that one bite. Heaven.

The moment ceased as I swallowed the mouthful of noodles and identified the meat as a tender beef, the herbs as more green onions and cilantro, and the noodles, oh those sweet sweet noodles- as the most amazing noodles I've eaten in almost 3 years.

At long last, I've found my "noodle joint", conveniently located a short walk from the school I tutor at twice a week. Guess I will betray my twice weekly "Chinese burrito" stand and will from now on, frequent my new favorite place in the world!

(PS: For those wondering what a "Chinese Burrito" is....
A thin layer of dough fried on a round hot thing, egg cracked and smoothed over the dough, pickled something sprinkled over the egg, green onion sprinkled on, lettuce shreds, and then folded, peanut sauce applied, a little red pepper sauce applied, and then crunchy thing put on before finishing the wrapping job and cut and placed into a little bag to carry it away and eat it. It rather quite good!)

The Longest Mile

Today marks the longest I have been out of the country at one time.
........
I sit and sip my Strawberry Mango Ginger tea. The aroma alone is enough to entrance me.
I walk to my window and open it; I breathe in.
I am met by the surprisingly light fresh smell of sea tainted air. Three long blocks away from the sea, but seven floors up, I somehow catch a whiff of sea mixed with the wooded mountain next to my complex.

I look up, I see Orion looking back down from the stars. I look down, I see the fish pond surrounded by greenery and palm trees. I look out, I see a tall building with lights on the perimeter of the roof- a beautiful sight in the foreground to my view of the ships at sea.

I listen and I hear the deep call of the fog horns on the ships coming in to port; I hear the gentle playing of piano music from neighboring apartments, and I hear the chatter of the people below.

Welcome to Xiamen- Southwest side of the island.
The scene I have just painted describes the perfect spring night with a touch of coolness after a unusually warm day. The sun came out for a bit and we even got to see a little bit of blue sky peeking out from behind the blanket of winter haze holding on.
I walk through the markets to find my fruits and vegetables and am hit with the pungent smell of tofu, but my senses are gently eased after the fresh scent of cilantro wafts into my nostrils and can't help but smile as I smell the familiar tang of citrus and strawberries. I walk past buckets of ginger and garlic and piles of cabbage, potatoes, various types mushrooms, carrots, and peppers- hot peppers, mild peppers, green peppers, red peppers, long peppers, short peppers, dried peppers-any kind of pepper you desire!
I walk back past the small stores and noodle shops that line the street, past the flower shop and the dry goods market, past the small place I get my bubble tea, cross under the big road and see my turn off.

I can never help but smile as I walk past the guards into the courtyard- there always seems to be a gentle breeze and now that it is a bit warmer I am greeted by parents and grandparents sitting around the fish pond chatting while their children ride their bicycles and up and down the little stone road and run back and forth playing tag. I could not be happier with my new location.
Good thing too, because as of yesterday if this had been any other trip I have been on, I would have gotten back to the States yesterday with a whole lot of pictures, souvenirs, memories and stories to share with all of you. No. Now I see. This is my new home.

"This is home, this now I'm finally where I belong...after searching for a place of my own, maybe this is home? Yeah, this is home...I've seen the enemy, but I won't go back, back to how it was. I've got my heart set on what happens next- I've got my eyes wide it's not over yet- we are miracles and it's not over yet!"         ~Switchfoot- This is Home


So I press on, the days when it is cold wet and rainy, the days when the breeze is not from the sea and is filled with the pungent smell of rotting fruit and smelly people. When the buses are crowded and I almost get trampled just trying to get on the bus. When I slip on someone's spit on the sidewalk and someone else laughs at the crazy klutzy American girl who does not know how to walk. Why? Because this is home and it does not always feel or look like the paradise I see today, but it is where I belong.

In the meantime, I will enjoy the fresh scent on the cool breeze and gentle piano music in the background of children's gleeful laughter.

This is it- life for the next 17 months.
There is no turning back now!

The Miracle of the French Baguette

One girl in China.
Far away from home.
...........
So anyone who knows me at all knows that I love my pasta and bread. I'm German and Italian- and they tell me to watch my carb intake- with that kind of blood? Yeah right.
So I've been living in China for eh, 3 weeks today actually. Three weeks. Not a very long time.
But three weeks of VERY limited bread and pasta? And not that I am complaining, but Chinese bread is very different from Italian bread. No country white with a dusting of flour on the crispy crust...
I can almost smell the warm inviting aroma of freshly baked bread...
When I decided to come, I told my Father that I would come, but I was really going to miss  not having pasta and bread. I knew I could survive without it, but it's like my favorite food in the whole wide world! Well, I was in an expensive Western food store and spied gnocchi!! You can just hear my squeals of delight when my eyes clapped on to the package of beautiful potato pasta and my eyes traveled up the shelves scanning each shelf for Alfredo sauce.
Check.
(Granted, it cost at least double what it would cost in the States, but sometimes you just gotta go for it!)
All I needed now was the bread.
I was told there are two stores on the island that carry anything similar to Italian bread or a French Baguette. I was only going to have contact with one of them, so it kind of had to be at that store.
Well, I entered the store and was greeted with some Sinatra and rugby shaped bread. I knew I liked the place, but I could not find a single loaf of country Italian bread or a French baguette.
My heart started to sink.
I happened to walk past the kitchen and noticed the baker packaging a long loaf of bread.
It was fate. Sinatra continued on....
I knew it was a baguette!!
I walked over to the kitchen with my American friend and she said something quickly in Chinese to the baker and he looked at me and handed me the baguette!
Now, based on the price of the last several items I bought for the delectable dinner, and rumors I had heard about how expensive this bakery was, I was expecting it to be pretty pricey.
Yeah....it cost me about $1.05usd.
That's right 8rmb. That's it.
Sinatra continued on as I walked out of the store, sugary substance crystallizing on my strawberries on a stick in one hand, and the aroma of my freshly baked French baguette wafting to my nose from the other hand.

He does it just because he can, you know? He knows what we love and it makes him smile to see how excited we get over the "little" things like gnocchi alfredo and French baguette with roasted garlic and herbs smeared all over the top. I love that he loves to do that- He's my Father and He loves me more than I know. Truly!

Like the Ocean

I sit here and type; I think of all that has transpired in the last four to five years.
I think of my family; I think of my friends.
I think of the trials and hardships, of the victories and losses.
.............

As I think of the people that have touched my life and the circumstances that have come in and out of my life, I cannot help but think of the waves I see on the beach here, always rolling in and going out- it never stops- every wave is new. Some of the sand remains for a while- but then it is washed back out to sea.
Life is like the tide, always rolling in and going back out; people are like the sand, coming and going with the tide- some staying longer than others, but all of them there just for the amount of time they need to be there.


For I know the plans that I have for you, says the .., plans of peace and hope, plans to prosper you and give you a future.


These plans included my grandmother's home-going, they included the end of my basketball career and my soccer career; they included my graduation from high school and first year at college. His plans included my own Dad's home-going and a trip to Argentina, they included hardship and trials, they included tears and broken hearts; his plans even included the moments that I did not understand. They included trips to China, Haiti, and South Africa, they included my graduation from college with a degree and making new bonds of family and friends; His plans included new pages written in new chapters, new jobs, old friends, new places, old lessons. His plans even included a "last minute" decision to move across the world, but the most wonderful thing about this is that it wasn't "last minute" to him- nothing that I have just mentioned ever took him by surprise.
Nothing shocked him.
There was not a moment that passed or circumstance that arose that made him second guess himself- because he already planned it.

Who would have ever guessed that any of that would happen? Who would have guessed that my brother would be married this year or that my best friend is married and having her first baby or that another friend just got engaged and another is getting married soon too? Who would have guessed that another friend would have been taken home suddenly soon after my own departure to a foreign country, or that I would be asking these questions while sitting in a foreign country?
Truly, I cannot know his plans- if I did I would probably say they  were impossible, that I would not survive the next trial, or I could not bare life without that person. I would cry and dig my heels in against the trials to come.
Though the storms come and the rain beats down hard upon the already unsettled ocean and constantly shifting sand and mercilessly drags sand away from the shore at the least expected times, we can rest assured that a peace does indeed come in the morning. "Peace be still", and all is calm. The storms will pass and the roaring waves will subside. The shore will never be the same again, but it will always be there- sustained by his master plan.

Purim

Purim: A Jewish holiday which name originates from Haman casting lots to decide on the day that the Jews would be annihilated from the kingdom.

A British student here suggested that we celebrate the Jewish holiday of Purim. None of us had ever celebrated a Jewish festival before, but his reasoning convinced me to join the group celebrating and I am glad I did! Not only did we enjoy fantastic food from a northern province in here, but also wonderful fellowship around the meal and following the meal when we gathered to read the book of Esther.
Jews are known for their active listening when reading stories such as Esther's so we were to boo and hiss at the name of Haman and cheer for Mordicai and Esther. As you might imagine, it was the most exciting reading of the book of Esther that I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing. Between the booing, hissing, cheering, and wailing, we acted out the story a bit, making it literally come alive to us!  I had never read a story out of the book like this before, but I so wish I had! The concepts that came alive to me are still resonating in my head and heart.

We talk about Esther and how brave she was, stepping out and trusting. How she saved the whole kingdom- just by being brave. (Obviously a lot more goes into it than that, I realize that and I know we know that....) But the point is, how many of us have been given tasks like Esther's but shied away from it for fear of humiliation or destruction? Maybe someone else has been given our task because we failed to complete it?
For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?
I never realized before that the deliverance would have come from someone/somewhere else if Esther did not complete her "mission". But it's true, if we fail to step out when we are given a mission, someone else will. If He commands it, it must be done, whether by you or someone else. What a tragedy to have such a high calling, such a purpose in life and to choose against it!


Now for one more thought: the whole idea of deliverance.
Deliverance.
Everyone needs compassion. Kindness, the hope of nations!
Every day. Every moment. My chains are gone, I've been set free! I have been DELIVERED! What a concept, what a thought! I am delivered. I was a slave in bondage, and I have been given deliverance. I am still pondering this idea. Deliverance from a sharp tongue, deliverance from a stubborn thought, deliverance from a sad attitude, deliverance from unwillingness.
Deliverance.
 The Jews have a whole festival to remember their deliverance from death and bondage under King Ahasuerus, do we celebrate our deliverance? It doesn't necessarily have to be a "festival" per say, but maybe a little joyfulness to the one who delivers?