So it's been more than a year now and I'm just now getting to my "year anniversary" post....
So much has happened.
So much has been learned.
So much.
Too much?
...........................
I've had this blog on my mind for weeks now, trying to figure out just what I wanted/should put in my "I've been living in China for a year now" blog. I have made several observations about myself and how I view things differently now than I did a year ago.
1.) I saw a chicken walking around the other day on my way home from school and found myself staring at their feet thinking to myself, "I could be eating that right now...huh...That's kinda gross."
2.) I stare entirely too much. Everyone stares in China, it's just kind of what you do- if someone or something is interesting, random, funny, abnormal- you stare. And I find myself staring unashamedly, OFTEN.
3.) I have found that I no longer laugh and giggle and say, "Oh China..." About things that bother me or that I find ridiculous. I have caught myself complaining quite a bit lately and I am not so okay with that, but none-the-less it has been an observation I have made.
4.) I get annoyed if people say they can speak Chinese because they can say "你好" or "谢谢" Seriously. You can not speak the language if all you can say is "Hello" and "Thank you"....
5.) I get more excited when one of my students says that they are looking forward to class the next day than I do when they can spell a word correctly cause it means that they are actually thinking about coming to class again!!!
6.) My expectations in the classrooms have drastically changed. I want to see my kids understand love more than English. (The English always comes along in the end anyway :P )
These are just a few of the observations I have made lately, but I wanted to talk more about everything I have observed inside of me. Which is a lot, so I'll try to summarize... :)
I have been told by many people that I am like 90% different from who I was when I arrived in China a little over a year ago.
And it's true. I am quite different. I look different. I have a few new piercings (not brand new, Mom, don't worry, I haven't gotten any since you were here :) ), I have a tattoo, I have bleached high lights and for a time had cherry red streaks in my hair (And I'm getting ready to throw some blue in there). Yep, looking at me one might be quick to judge and say, "She has turned far from her roots".
That could not be further from the truth. In the last year I have had ample time to think, pray, seek, learn, glean wisdom, cry, and grow. It has not always been a pretty endeavor, or even a desired one, but it has been needed. I have been hurt and seen hurt. I have walked through dark valleys and witnessed heart wrenching things. I have cried and been cried on, I have encouraged and been encouraged, I have run away and been led back home, I have been active and learned to be still...
I have discovered such freedom here. I know, red flags being waved for some of you right now, but I do not mean freedom to go wild or be crazy or make stupid choices. I mean an incredible freedom with my Savior. He has taken me into a deeper more intimate relationship that has hurt and brought such an unquenchable joy at the same time.
I came afraid to serve Him. Afraid of disappointing people, afraid of letting people down, afraid of letting myself down, afraid of failure, afraid of what people would think about my every move, afraid of letting God down.
In my time here He has stripped away those fears leaving me bare before a holy, loving God. One who knows me already. One who knows my fears. One who knows my failures. One who loves me. One who accepts me. One who cares about me. One who will never leave.
If that does not motivate a person with love, I really cannot imagine what would.
When I came to China, I had a view of God as being an unhappy parent whose love needed to be earned. I felt like I could lose His approval, like I could lose His love, that I could make Him proud of me. And so I worked as hard as I could to earn all of that. I wanted Him to be happy with me, I wanted Him to be proud of me. I did not want to step out of His will for my life, I did not want to miss His "perfect will" for me. Most of my life I heard that I could make God angry with me and that I could make such a horrible choice that I would miss out on whatever He had planned for me. (When did I become more powerful than God though?)
I went about life judging the people around me. I saw "bad choices" and thought, "Wow, they must be living a miserable life right now", and, "Oh man, I hope I never make a choice as bad as THAT one, she just threw away her life!" and, "How can these people say they love God when they drink ALCOHOL?????"
What a pharisaical attitude I lived my life with. I am ashamed of it now, but I am so thankful knowing that there is now therefore NO condemnation on my former thoughts and beliefs. I am so thankful that God never loved or judged me the way I loved and judged my brothers and sisters in Him.
Casting all this aside, rebuking the spirit of unbelief, disunity, and dissension in my heart, I have found such freedom to love the lost, to love the broken, to love the unlovable. I have found such solace in His comforting words of justice, mercy, and grace in His Word. I have found new freedom to worship Him with all that is within me. I have found freedom to fall flat on my face before my Father, broken, needy, and repentant, but knowing that I am running to His arms where He will not cast me aside, but rather hold me close and wipe my tears and lead me on to a closer renewed relationship with Him.
This, THIS is where I almost burst into tears again in gratefulness for His abundant grace poured out in my life. I am astounded by His love towards me. I cannot fathom it, but I know it is all I need. I know that I am His child, a "Child of Grace" Held in is everlasting grip forever!
My Abba loves me and I my Abba. He loved not because I needed to be loved, but I love because He poured out His love when I was clueless and wrapped me up and called me His own.
There is a smidgen of what He has done in me since coming here, but I am so overwhelmed by gratitude and humbled by it that I thought it was time to stop hiding it, time to stop fearing what anyone who may or may not read this may think. I am done hiding what He is doing in me- it shrinks God to my size and grossly undermines the glory that He should receive. I am so thankful for His love. I am so thankful for His mercy. I am so thankful to be called His.
My Abba loves me and I my Abba.
