Abandon

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Since coming back to America, I have been blessed to spend ample time with old friends, meet some new ones and continue walking with like-minded people. It has been the trip of a lifetime indeed. Some things I have expected to happen, have not happened, Some things I never expected to happen, have happened! I have had the opportunity to talk to many people and have stimulating and encouraging conversations with them. 

I have struggled back and forth whether or not to write this blog. I have gone back and forth in the wisdom and necessity of it. I have feared the response that it might get, and I have feared the possible backlash of it. I have a question though. I have been pondering this question for days now. 

Since I have been back I have had countless people come to me and encourage me very kindly in how I am such a good example of how one should follow Christ. I have been approached and virtually asked to "motivate" others to get up and move to a foreign country for service. I have been almost held as a hero for being willing to pick up and move to a foreign country "in just two weeks". I have greatly appreciated the encouragement and am sure that each party who has offered such kind words has offered them out of the purest of hearts with pure intentions, but I consistently come back to this question.

When did being a Christian become not enough?

There are many labels that we give to people. Especially in the Christian world, we give groups of people names, ways to categorize their genuineness or willingness to serve with abandon. We categorize into groups of spirituality and "sold-out-ness".  We hero those who actually get up the courage to do something "scary" or "bold". We look at them and say, "If only I could be like them and serve like that." We hero those who experience oppression for their beliefs and say, "I don't know if I would stand so firm if I were faced with that kind of opposition!" We use people as our example to "motivate" others to serve more. The problem with this system is that we base the whole thing on people rather than the One who saves.

If we do not categorize ourselves in one of the "sold- out" kind of categories, we allow ourselves to slip slowly into a comfortable, and I would dare to say even apathetic lifestyle. We excuse this apathy by saying, "God didn't place that kind of burden on my heart" or "Well, that's just not me, or my kind of thing." and "Well, I can't do that because of the school loans...or the kids...or my apartment...or my job...or that's not my skill set."Sometimes we even say, "You don't know me, I don't trust myself enough to take that risk. Knowing me I'd fall flat on my face and ruin my testimony and the image of Christ!" We make so many excuses as to why we cannot move forward to further the kingdom and serve our King.

Not only do we make excuses though, but we then herald those who have taken a step of faith. It somehow makes us feel better about our lack of service because we know that someone somewhere is working hard for the King. Someone is being faithful. So we become content to fall into the routine of church, work, pray over meals, teach the kids to be moral, tithe, and live the comfortable life...but not too comfortable.

Now, please understand me. I am not saying that any of those things are bad in and of themselves. I certainly do not condemn them as sins. Please, please do not take me out of context here. My prayer is that we would carefully discern our own limitations that we place on ourselves from His calling on our lives. I will be the first to say that He calls each of us to many different areas of service. Personally, I greatly respect those He calls into the business world. Wow, what a battlefield to face every day! (This is one area I look at and think, "Now I could never do that!", though I know that if He placed that calling on my life, He would most certainly equip!) Some are called to stay at home and fight on the neighborhood field, inviting the kids and families to take part in life with Jesus. Some are called to education, teaching others His way of living and learning. Some are called to give food to the poor and needy, and some are called to go and share His story.

But wait. Aren't the last two calls given to every person who calls himself a Christian? I have been impressed over the last two months that the only limitations we have as Christ followers are ourselves. In limiting ourselves we display a sickening lack of trust in Him because we dare to defy His sovereign power in holding out our hands and saying, "Nope, You can't fix this, Jesus. I am too broken, stubborn, proud, useless, etc for you to do anything with." We deny the power of the cross and we negate His power to save us from whatever we view as un-lovable.

My purpose in writing this blog tonight, is not to rebuke anyone or chastise anyone. My deepest desire is that we, as Christ followers would truly follow Him. That we stop making excuses as to what we can and cannot do for the kingdom and that we be found faithful about His work.

Matthew 24:46-51 says,

Blessed is that servant whom his master will find so doing when he comes. Truly, I say to you, he will set him over all his possessions. But if that wicked servant says to himself, ‘My master is delayed,’ and begins to beat his fellow servants and eats and drinks with drunkards, the master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he does not know and will cut him in pieces and put him with the hypocrites. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Let us  then be found faithful, that we not be hypocrites. That we not be weary in well doing and that we faint not. But that we press on towards the Prize, which is Jesus Christ our Lord, knowing that no matter what we have given, it was never too much. That we live with abandon, offering each of our lives as a broken sacrifice to the One who was broken for each of us.

Just a Whisper...

"I need something"
"What do you need?"
"I don't know, a word, a love note, something!"
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The above conversation happened about a week ago between my roommate and I. We both started praying that I would soon receive whatever it was I needed. I did not have a clue what it was, but I knew that my heart was needy and only He could fix it.

The next morning (or morning after that, can't remember for sure), I woke up and read my devos. My devo book read,

Whenever you feel distant from Me, whisper My Name in loving trust. this simple prayer can restore your awareness of My Presence... The grating rancor of the world's blasphemies cannot compete with a trusting child's utterance: "Jesus". The power of My Name to bless both you and Me is beyond your understanding."

Followed by a verse from John 16:

Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.

I was floored. Instantly I remembered my prayer the night before. I about pounced on Ray as she came up the stairs because I was so excited to share my Word with her. There was one word that stuck out to me ~

Whisper.

Just after I read the message I silently whispered His name in my head. Instantly a smile grew in my heart and on my face. I knew He was there. I thought about it several more times throughout that day and the next, whispering it to myself and in my head and being amazed at the simplicity of it, yet the immense peace that it brought me.

My last night in Ohio was a perfect one. The night before there had been a dreadful storm, (I thought it was pretty cool actually - we don't really get green skies or tornado warnings/sightings in China) but that night was just perfect. The skies were clear, the sun warm, the breeze cool, and the ducks.....well... quacking. We walked down to a pond and just stood there on the tiny bridge reminiscing and musing over our lives, and where He's brought us. Then we went back and played a game and walked out to sit in the cool of the evening and read. Ray got a lot of reading done, I got about eight words read before I got distracted by the scene in front of me. Across a couple of lawns, there was a cluster of trees and under the trees there was a small play set. Suddenly I saw dozens of fireflies start coming up from the ground and flying around for just a moment before extinguishing. It looked enchanted, like fairies coming out to make the whole night a little bit better. In that moment I remembered His name and whispered, "Jesus" to myself. Instantly, once again, my attention was drawn to an awareness that He was sitting there with me on the swing, musing over His creation. He was, oh, I don't know, dancing among the "fairies" under the trees across the way- His beauty just egging them on to dance a wondrous gift of worship to Him. He was inside with Gram and Grandpa helping them get ready to drive us south the next day. He was with my roommate in China. He was quieting my heart, whispering, "Peace, be still."

Some dear sisters in China recently wrote a beautiful song entitled, Whispers:

Maybe some day through my whispers I will get through to you. Maybe one day, and I hope it comes 'round soon, you'll encounter the truth.

I was reminded that I am not the only one who whispers though I do not wait, listening attentively to catch His whispers, I think He often whispers his messages of love to me. I am just too busy to listen. How much more would I escape the ensnarement of despair if I would slow down long enough to hear His whispers?  So that is where I write you from tonight. Battling despair, yet once again, Over and over again I hear in my head,

Why are you cast down, oh my should and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God and you will yet again praise His holy name!

And I know in my head that the morning is coming Hope is here now. He is whispering. So why can I not hear Him right now? I will cling to the hope that I have heard Him time and time again and I will keep crying out to Him. For my Abba hears me, and He will rescue me.
Here's to His attentive whispers. May we not block them out with the noise of our souls!

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him, how I've proved Him o're and o're. Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus, Oh for grace to trust Him more!

In Shock

My jaw dropped as I got off the plane. Ray snickered and rolled her eyes and whispered, "Geez, control yourself, Jo!" I could not help my staring though. There was so much that was familiar, yet it all seemed so foreign all of the sudden. 
I felt out of place.
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I guess in short, I'm looking back at the last couple of years and as all my memories start to blur together I am in shock to see just how much has happened. I know I said that in my year end blog, but I see how much MORE has happened that I didn't even count as "significant" because I was still in China.

Now that I'm back, it is a totally different story.

We got into Chicago and there were just way to many "foreigners" everywhere. And I walked between people who were taller than me! A normal experience for most of you, and while it does happen in China...actually rather often....there's a difference. Just take my word for it. I had to watch myself as my first response to most of what I saw was, "Whaaa" (in traditional Chinese style). Ray just rolled her eyes at me as she often reminded me to stop staring at people and not to make comments about people out loud- in English... I got accustomed to talking about people in front of them because no one can understand me in China... :P

We got in the car at the airport and started driving. I started squealing. I know, I can be a little pathetic at times, but when there are SO many places to eat everywhere I get super excited. No more dreaming about these places, I can actually GO there! We got to the hotel room and What happened? I fell onto an incredibly fluffy bed. I almost didn't move again. It was heaven and first touch. Wow. Went to Cracker Barrel for dinner and breakfast and I think I died both times. Did you know that they give you bottles of syrup there for your breakfast?  BOTTLES! And if you don't use it all there that day, they you get to take it home! Oh buddy. You better believe I came back with a purse load of syrup to take back with me. What a great country! On the way home that day, I found myself staring at road signs and semi-trucks and reading their every word. Obviously, it was in English! It must be important! Haha. Sigh. Welcome back to America, right?

The first two weeks back were spent mostly sleeping. A lot of thinking, a lot of praying, and a lot of sleeping. Jet lag was not so kind to me and I found myself pacing around or trying to figure out what to do at 3am and dog tired at 3pm. I think I am mostly over it now, but time will tell, I suppose. :)

Reflecting as I was walking around the pristine American dreamy neighborhoods and skipping from restaurant to restaurant to movie theatre to cookout and games of volleyball and corn hole, I found myself discontent with what I saw. One thing I have always struggled with is the idea of myself as a wife and mother, living in a pristine little house- the entire interior designed in a whimsical yet homey sort of creative way and the lawn perfectly manicured by my husband who, of course, will be a super hero at that kind of thing. And as I walked along or drove by houses I tried to imagine myself the owner and decorator of that house- cooking in the kitchen every day, playing with my kids in the house in the back yard every summer. At first the idea was brilliant. So "stress-free", so fun, so...so...perfect. The moment that word came into my mind it was like in a movie where someone's day dream ends abruptly. I suddenly couldn't imagine anything worse that. I was reminded again right there and right then as I was looking at a corner with three gorgeous northern Ohio houses that this world is not my home. This country does not hold His best for me- at least right now. I could never be content here as long as my calling is elsewhere. That was the moment I got homesick. For my other temporary home. So until He makes it clear and sends me elsewhere, I will call my little (big) turquoise and grey living room, tiny kitchen with zilcho counter space, and awesome multi-colored room with amazing twinkle lights, my perfect home. Even when the roaches wave their antennae at me from the plate I pull out of the cupboard.... I am reminded:

This is home.

Psalm 71

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In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;
    let me never be put to shame.
In your righteousness, rescue me and deliver me;
    turn your ear to me and save me.
Be my rock of refuge,
    to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
    for you are my rock and my fortress.
Deliver me, my God, from the hand of the wicked,
    from the grasp of those who are evil and cruel.

For you have been my hope, Sovereign Lord,
    my confidence since my youth.
From birth I have relied on you;
    you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.
    I will ever praise you.
I have become a sign to many;
    you are my strong refuge.
My mouth is filled with your praise,
    declaring your splendor all day long.

Do not cast me away when I am old;
    do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
For my enemies speak against me;
    those who wait to kill me conspire together.
They say, “God has forsaken him;
    pursue him and seize him,
    for no one will rescue him.”
Do not be far from me, my God;
    come quickly, God, to help me.
May my accusers perish in shame;
    may those who want to harm me
    be covered with scorn and disgrace.

As for me, I will always have hope;
    I will praise you more and more.

My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds,
    of your saving acts all day long—
    though I know not how to relate them all.
I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign Lord;
    I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone.
Since my youth, God, you have taught me,
    and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
Even when I am old and gray,
    do not forsake me, my God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
    your mighty acts to all who are to come.

Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens,
    you who have done great things.
    Who is like you, God?
Though you have made me see troubles,
    many and bitter,
    you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
    you will again bring me up.
You will increase my honor
    and comfort me once more.

I will praise you with the harp
    for your faithfulness, my God;
I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
    Holy One of Israel.
My lips will shout for joy
    when I sing praise to you—
    I whom you have delivered.
My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
    all day long,
for those who wanted to harm me
    have been put to shame and confusion.

Rain may come...

But He will always bring beauty from the pain.