Gladly would I give to Jesus all affection, everything- for the washing of His mercy makes my ransomed heart to sing. Holy, Holy, is the chorus rising up from those who see Christ exalted, bright and burning, full of power and purity.
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My heart is sad as I write this post. For several reasons.
I just bought the new album From Age to Age by Sovereign Grace Music- great stuff- I've had the second half of the album (starting at Glorious Christ) on repeat for most of the day. My heart has been refreshed, reminded, and renewed in hope. The last two days I've found myself on the verge of tears out of sheer awe and humility before the sight of such a holy God's love for me and awesome power. I find myself almost contemplating skipping my next class to sit with Him, lost in worship, not wanting anything to pull me out- just to stay there, in awe, speechless, completely unable to express with words what I feel in my heart of gratitude, love, and utter humility before God.
This morning though, as I walked to school with my bag of niu rou bao and cha ji dan swinging in one hand and travel mug of steaming hot Dunkin Donuts (brewed at home) in the other, my heart felt heavy. The song Gladly Would I Leave Behind Me came on. My initial response was, "Of course, Lord, You know I would gladly give you whatever You ask- we've had this conversation so many times, You know my heart!" But something caused me to start the song over again and really process each word and the gravity of singing such words to a righteous God.
I began to think about the last five years or so (Mostly the last two, but I did some comparing to past years). I thought about my life in China, how I so gladly gave up a familiar country, culture, language, and daily culinary experiences to move to a foreign country, and culture to learn a difficult language, and not get the special favorite foods that I crave sometimes on a daily basis. I gave up a lot to be where I am at today; I should be able to sing this song with gusto- at least more heart-felt than the average American Christian- after all, I haven't just sung it, I've done it in a very real way.
As I listened again, this time more critically and purposefully, I felt tears welling up in my eyes. This time the tears weren't because of adoration, they were tears of knowing just how much more I have to let go of. Yes, I would gladly pursue the surpassing treasures at the throne of God, and yes, my heart screams out, "Holy, holy, holy, are You, Lord, God Almighty!" Over and over again it sings and cries out, unable to sing loud enough, unable to express fully how much honor and glory is due His name. The chorus goes on:
Where else can I go? Jesus, You're the One that I was made to know. What else can I do? Jesus, You're my all I gladly run to.My instantaneous response to hear these words was, "How can we ask that as though our hearts aren't tempted to run away from the sacrifice at every step or corner!" My heart sank as I thought of the many places and things I could go to or do that would prove my words vain and meaningless.
The third verse says:
Gladly would I flee temptations for their troubles fill my life. Turn and seek my gladdened Savior for His goodness satisfies. Earthly treasures all are passing, thieves break in and rust destroys, but in God are awesome splendor, love and lasting joysYes, we know this. Many of us have grown up on these words. "Moth and rust decay the earthly treasures, lay up for yourselves treasure in heaven", yet we live for earthly pleasures. Though we don't call them this, we live for family, job, financial stability, social status, acceptance, and approval. Gladly would I flee temptations, really? Would you really flee temptation? What if that temptation came in the form of your family? Would you flee them? Would you be able to turn your back if God said, "Come away with me to an unfamiliar land that I will show you." Without even knowing your destination, could you say to them, "I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm going to do when I get there, but I have to leave you all now, I love you, but I can't stay here." Would you flee temptation if it was someone in your family saying those words to you? Could you let them go? Would you flee temptation if it came in the form of financial stability in a new job that promised a stable paycheck and good hours, but caused your relationships to suffer? Would you flee temptation if it came in the form of hearing your family give their blessing on your life, choice of spouse, job, or country of residence?
Gladly would I give to Jesus all affection. Even the affection you desire to have towards a spouse (someday for me!) or child (again, we all know this…someday, someday…)? Would you give Him a few extra minutes in a day? Would you give up your soft bed and a good night's sleep if that was your affection? Would you sacrifice the comforts of a modern home without complaint if it meant bending over so you cooked, every night, hunched over in a way that caused your back to cramp? What if it meant taking a bus instead of a taxi to work- would you give it up, or would your friends have to say they wished you would take the taxi so you stopped complaining about the inconvenience?
Gladly would I leave behind me all the pleasures I have known. Really? Leave behind? Not looking back, lest you, like Lot's wife, become crippled by your affection for what you were leaving. Leave behind the comfortable sleeping schedule, the free weekends to go shopping for clothes, jewelry, electronics, or appliances that aren't really needed? Leave behind the traditional church services to pursue passionate, real-life, transparent times of worship and confession with people we aren't afraid to share our hearts with? Could you really do that?
So, Where else could we go? We go to Kohls to stock up on some inexpensive, but still trendy, pretty good quality pieces that we'll just end up replacing in a few months- excusing the excessive spending by reminding ourselves that we always send our old clothes to the orphans in Haiti or the Dominican Republic. Has it ever crossed our minds to go to Kohls to buy the orphans in Haiti or the DR the inexpensive, but still trendy, pretty good quality pieces?
Where do we go? To church where we can look good to our fellow Christians by singing, lifting our hands in worship and maybe even shedding a few tears during the music, adding a few head nods and amens throughout the sermon, and taking impeccable notes that we'll never actually read again, because it proves to everyone around us that we are paying attention in church and value what we're hearing. We ask, "How are you doing, sister, I mean really?" and find our minds wondering to what we'll eat for lunch after we leave, or run through our to-do list for the week, while our brother or sister actually starts to pour out a little bit of their hearts. We warmly tell them, "I'll be praying for you in that situation" and walk away wondering what it was we were supposed to be praying for. Our appearance impeccable, but our hearts holding on to the familiar, fear gripping at every corner if we stepped out of our comfort zone.
What else could we do? Fill our days with extra classes and pursue further education because, "Society demands it these days, you can't get a job anymore without a Master's degree!" Fill our free moments by catching up on our favorite TV series' because, "I finally have 'me' time". We join or single's or married couple's groups, because it's nice to be around people our age and time of life, forgetting that we could have an invaluable impact on someone outside of "our group". Our conversations are filled with, "what happened at work this week" stories, and "did you see that Packer's game Saturday night? I can't believe that ref recalled that final touchdown for an offsides call, he wasn't even close!" (I use the Packers because they really are the only NFL team worth mentioning. :P ). Yet, we don't consider talking about the nitty gritty of the struggles or temptations we faced that week. We don't just sit in awe and wonder of our Creator.
Now, I by no means want to clump all professing believers together to label them as insincere. I do not believe that every person that has ever asked me how I was really doing, checked out 5 seconds into the conversation and really didn't care- on the contrary, I have been greatly blessed by the body of Christ and have felt the warmth and sincerity or those truly committed to Christ and furthering the kingdom. The last thing that I want is for this blog to make it seem that I have a seared view of Christians or harbor bitterness to any situations that I have been in or observed around me. Again, I have been blessed to be exposed to some really solid churches and people.
I began this post by saying, "My heart is sad". It's sad because I know my own struggles to remain faithful to God. I know my own weaknesses and the vivacity in which I sing songs like, Gladly Would I Leave Behind Me, and walk away feeling good about my recommitment and worship to God, but missing the question that Jesus is really asking. He doesn't want my words, He doesn't want my sincerest musical offering. He wants my heart, and as long as I am enamored with the things that will not pass with me into eternity, He does not have the whole thing.
So ask with me, "Will it pass into eternity?" As a friend and mentor recently reminded me, not even marriage passes with us into eternity- not even your spouse will pass on with you! How much better could our time be spent? What would truly full surrender look like?
As long as I am enamored with the things that will not pass with me into eternity, He does not have the whole thing.Oh Abba, that I would give up those earthly things that so easily enamor and distract from You. For You are worthy of all praise and all my heart! That I not look back, wishing for the comforts of my world, but step by step, eyes forward, walk in faith, hand in hand with You until we reach the Promised Land.
