Jesus Calling

It was my first real daily Bible study that I ever actually wanted to commit to doing every day. It was different from any of the other more regimented studies I had tried. This one seemed to call out to me saying, "Come away with Me. Come, sit in My Presence and just bask in My beauty and glory! My Love for you is such that you can never comprehend fully, but lay down your defenses and come let Me love you."
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"I AM PREPARING YOU for what is on the road ahead, just around the bend. Take time to be still in My Presence so that I can strengthen you. The busier you become, the more you need this time apart with Me. So many people think that time spent with Me is a luxury they cannot afford. As a result, they live and work in their own strength - until that becomes depleted. Then they either cry out to Me for help or turn away in bitterness.

How much better it is to walk close to Me, depending on My strength and trusting Me in every situation. if you live in this way, you will DO less but ACCOMPLISH far more. Your unhurried pace of living will stand out in this rush-crazed age. Some people may deem you lazy, but many more will be blessed by your peacefulness. Walk in the Light with Me, and you will reflect Me to the watching world." 

                                                                                                ~ Jesus Calling, Sarah Young

I read these words a year ago and then again today, what I did not realize was the journey that God was going to take me on to teach me stillness this year. I told many of you that I strongly believed that He wanted me to be still this year and take a more "passive" approach to work.  Instead of working crazy hours to earn as much money as I could, I felt distinctly that He wanted me to be content with a smaller pay check, trusting Him to provide for the needs, and spend more time in solitude, studying and meditating on His Word.

This year has brought many joys and trials, fears and fears broken asunder, I have seen many victories and experienced what felt like defeat. Through each of these moments in the past year I have been keenly aware of a bigger picture- a God who actually desires a relationship with me. A God who really does not care about my performance and does not ask me to be perfect so He can show off His glory through my good works- no, this is blasphemy. He wants a relationship of stillness and peace.

My whole life I wanted to show my Father how much I loved Him by doing everything He asked of me- everything the Bible said. I did not just want to get by to just obey, but I wanted to go above and beyond all that to make sure He knew just how much I loved Him. But, in all my frantic efforts to show my love to Him, I was missing all His quiet whispers of love to me. I made the relationship about me and my love, rather than the Creator of Love and His everlasting, unconditional love.

As I learned to sit quietly and reflect on His Word, the world began to come alive around me. Many of these times of quietness happened on my balcony overlooking the South China Sea and the water, with the sun gleaming on it, literally seemed to turn to a sea of gold just screaming out of God's glory and majesty! A glory and majesty He does not need anyone to prove, it just is. I looked down on beaches crowded with people and started to become keenly aware of the work that He is doing in them, the streets filled with people whom He has not forgotten.

You see, my whole life was focused on how I could further the Kingdom, impact eternity, or do wonderful things for Christ that maybe someone would publish a book about someday and that book would go on to inspire thousands of young women to live with abandon for Christ. While the idea in my head seemed so wonderful at the time, the more I pursued that dream, the more frustrated I became in my pursuits to prove that I loved God. The more frustrated I became, the more I wondered if any of it was worth it anymore. The more I wondered if anything was worth it, the more I heard Jesus calling out to me.

It is really amazing how when come to the end of ourselves we start to hear His whispers again, isn't it? I am so thankful for my journey this year. It has been an incredibly painful year, but truly, what beautiful scars I have to "reflect Me to the watching world"!

Through the Fire

How do we handle disappointment?
How do we handle frustration or let down?
How do we go on when after we realize those we cared the most about have walked away?
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I am a relational person- that is who God created me to be.

I care deeply,
I love deeply,
I hurt deeply

The problem with feeling so deeply is that sometimes I care so deeply I feel like I am just bleeding from the inside out and I can get so discouraged I feel like there is no point in going on.

Just a few days ago I told my roommate that I had decided to try not caring for a while. In my mind I thought, "Just a week, I want to not care for just a week. I want to know what it feels like, I want to know how much freedom it would bring me- to stop caring."

What you don't know is that I started writing this blog entry in February but was never able to finish it. Here, 10 months later I found myself struggling with the very same temptations. Victory comes in waves, life comes in hills. Up and down, but now will I focus on the ebb and the valley or will I fix my eyes on the prize of Jesus Christ?

Look at Daniel. Wow, what an awesome example of a life of ebb and flow, up and down. Daniel's "mountain top" experiences came with his time of prayer and worship in obedience. His "valley" came in a fiery pit. Talk about walking through the fire…literally. Daniel had a choice- he could look at that pit and say, "Well, I did my part, God, You failed me, where are Your promises now?" or, "…our God is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us out of your hand, oh king."

You know the story- Daniel chose the latter. How did God repay him? He let him burn in a fiery furnace and die, right? Nope. He rescued Daniel and his friends from the fire. Not only that, but look at how they came out- strong, unscathed by the flames. Stronger even, I submit, than when they went in to the furnace. Their faith was made sight. Not only did they believe that God was able to deliver, but based on that belief they walked forward, seeing the fire, feeling the initial heat.

My response to hurt is generally to learn from whatever it was that hurt me and protect myself as soon as I feel the heat in another situation. Sometimes I can see the fire, sometimes I just feel heat and I run. But what if I felt the heat and proclaimed God's power and sovereignty over it. What if I walked boldly into the fire and held on to the confidence that my God is able to deliver me from the burning fiery trial?

The diamond is only beautiful when put through the flame, dross is only brought up from the heat, and we only prove what we believe when the furnace comes.
The question is this: Will you believe that your God is able to deliver you, or will you, like I do so many times, run before you have a chance to proclaim His power and faithfulness?

Is your God who you say He is? Who do you say that He is? Maybe it is time to re-examine who He is according to His Word and deeds!

Be of good cheer, dear one, He is with you in the fire. <3

I'm Obsessed!!!! (Part 2)

Here we are, almost 2 months after my first "I'm Obsessed!!!!" post. But, after long last, here is my Part 2. 
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So what took me so long to get Part 2 out? I knew this post was going to be different than my other posts. You see, it's been in the works since the end of the summer- call it writer's block, call it laziness, call it fear, call it whatever you want to call it- I just could not get the words out.

My first I'm Obsessed post was all about food and my obsession with food/cooking and talking about it. I literally talk about food wherever I go, to whoever I meet. It is pretty bad. It was during one such conversation nearing the end of the summer that I started thinking about obsession.

We live in an obsession driven world: Obsessed with food, money, friends, popularity, good grades, good reputation, family, cars, music, the arts, fame, religion… ourselves. From birth we are obsessed with something.

It was at this point of realization that my mind was drawn to Matthew 6:24,

No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and ...

 Now, the Bible ends with "You cannot serve both God and money", but I got to thinking about that and realized you could substitute that word money out for food, friends, popularity, good grades, good reputation, approval, family, music, religion, ourselves, etc. The list could go on, but I think you get my point.

One of the dangers of living in an obsession driven world is that we make excuses for our obsessions. We call them "hobbies"or "Oh, that's just what they are in to" passing it off as just another every day experience. The truth is, we have been deceived into believing that our obsessions are okay. They are part of our individuality- they help make us who we are. We say, "That is just me- it is who God made me to be". I will not argue with the fact that God creates individual, incredibly special people with a plethora of interests and talents, but we get so stuck on interest and talents we forget that our One and only obsession is to be our Creator.

If you look up synonyms of the word obsession and compare them with those of the word idol, you will see that they share similarities. I submit that they could be synonyms of each other. We serve idols every day when we choose something over our Creator and true Love. I have been reading a series by Lynn Austin called Chronicles of the Kings fanTAStic read (and I do not even particularly enjoy reading long books) It is basically a historical narrative of the Old Testament and the outlines several Kings and captivities the nation of Israel faced and why they faced such captivity. It is obvious that the Lord deals very harshly with the matter of idols. For the idols in one man's heart, a whole nation suffered consequences for years upon end. How much more then do we suffer for the idols of our hearts?

I was reading the series over the summer and perhaps that is where this whole train of though began. If we are not using our "passions" (another synonym of obsession) to serve the Lord or bring glory to Him alone, they have become idols. Break that down for a minute, what was our by-no-means-extensive list of obsessions?

"...food, money, friends, popularity, good grades, good reputation, family, cars, music, the arts, fame, religion… ourselves."

What is our purpose every time we engage in these activities or strive to achieve some of these goals? What about the verse in Proverbs that says a good name is better than riches- we should strive to have a good name then, yes? What about a healthy family and Romans where Paul says that as far as it depends on us to live peaceably- we should compulsively (another synonym of obsessively) live a peaceful life, right?

The problem with having a mindset like this is that we turn our attention off the only right Obsession. We want to have a good name, but why? We want peace in our homes, but why? We want to have a say in our community, but why? We want to have influence, but why? Anyone who has grown up in a semi-conservitive Christian home  knows the automatic, easily-rolled-off-the-tongue response to this question is, "To glorify God, of course!" But really, when we get to the brass tacks of it, are you frustrated in your pursuits? Is your enthusiasm waining when you do not see the results you have prayed for so sincerely for years? Who really is the focus of your passion?

Most of the time when I am faced with these difficult questions, my truthful answer is that I want a good name so people do not think poorly of me or my family, or I want a peaceful and healthy family so I can feel loved and appreciated and tell others how wonderful my family is. I get frustrated when I do all that I can and do not see positive results. Who has become the focus of my obsession?

Me.

We live in an obsession driven world, yes. Obsession is okay- when it is the right obsession.  There is only One right obsession. If He is not your obsession, it is time for a reality check, who are you serving?

"But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day who you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you are living. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."

My prayer is that we will all take this moment to reevaluate Who we serve. This is a matter of eternity, of life or death.

Choose this day, Who you will serve.

I'm Obsessed!!!! (Part 1)

Three Cheese Bacon 'n' Cheese Fries

Spicy Buffalo Wings and Spicy Ranch

I'm obsessed with food!!!! Anyone who spends any amount of time with me knows this to be true. I love food. I love eating it, I loved cooking with it, I love baking with it. I love smelling it, I love looking at it, I love pinning it, I love....I think you get the picture.... =P

This summer, I gorged myself on the foods that make me soo happy. These two pictures are from Rib City. My favorite meal ever. Spicy and tangy, follow it up with their towering chocolate cake and you are halfway to a heart attack!! Endless cups of sweet tea though, make the process a dream.


Now, granted, my food obsession comes in handy for my roommates, pretty much on a daily basis, but I recently took a trip to Taipei to visit my cousin. I hadn't seen her in quite a long time and it was so good to see her and catch up on about a decade. :)  I had a great time touring about the city with her- seeing the Taipei 101 (I just like saying that, it sounds so rich and classy) at night and seeing all the lights at night, eating at countless Din Tai Fung styled restaurants, finding street food, and 24-hour breakfast diners and Applebees like places. And let's not forget :

I was so overwhelmed by the sheer delectability of the hummus and chicken pita that I ate here that I could not even stop to take a picture of my delectable Mediterranean salad with beets that I actually relished (did you like that pun?? ) , fresh warm pita to dip in the fresh, warm hummus, or chicken pita stuffed with hummus, yogurt, vegetables and meat. I think I glimpsed heaven for just a moment here as I lost myself in the creamy stuff. This pita bar extracted a reaction out of me that I do not recall ever having before for any other food. If I go back to Taipei, do you think that I will be visiting this place? (Was there even a need to ask the question????? You figure it out. I will be halfway there by the time you even ask the question.

Anyways, back to my roommate's benefits. I cook almost on a daily basis, and every Saturday I like to get up around 9a (sleeping in for me!!) and cook a big breakfast to celebrate the weekend and another week finished. Last week, I made French Toast with a vanilla pudding syrup and a SW bacon/cheese omelet. This week, I tried out Pumpkin Pancakes (with the pumpkin our import store recently started carrying) topped with cinnamon syrup and bacon cheese and onion eggs. I think they were a success cause even when we have left overs, they do not last more than 4 hours after the meal. I recently discovered a rosemary round loaf that should soon become a staple for my Italian dishes and I think I finally mastered cooking up a good beef dish with roasted veggies. And I think I just invented the perfect nachos. (I am making my own stomach growl now....)

I love food. I love experimenting with food. I love eating food.

But what if food was all there was to life?

.....to be continued

Maintenance

I realized the other day that many of you probably do not have a clue of what I am doing this year. This summer was a whirlwind, and I did not get to spend time or as much time with as many of you as I would have liked to.

This purpose of this post is to give you a little update as to what's up in Jo's life these days. :)

First of all, yes, I am still teaching. Last year I taught most of the spectrum when it came to teaching: 1-30 students at a time, 3yrs-58yrs old, phonics-advanced business English. I had a blast with all of these experiences, but long hours and several illnesses later, I decided to step back a little bit this year and really work on some personal/musical development.

This year I am working at one school- a middle school- which happens to be (academically) one of the top schools on the island (Yay me!). I only teach Junior One and I have a total of 800 students (I know, stepping back, right?) But I only work four days a week, four classes each day- so it kind of evens out. I do really enjoy what I am doing right now. I feel privileged that my Abba has seen fit to entrust these 800 souls to me and pray that He will reach with my hands to show them His love.

This week I taught the Golden Rule. Silly me, I forgot that they had probably never even THOUGHT of the concept of doing to each other like they wanted each other to do to them- it was a bit of a difficult concept to teach, but a few of them caught on.

In addition to teaching, I have been keeping up with studies and dinners for expats in my direct vicinity, using this time to utilize the gift of food that Daddy has graciously given to me. I am always so happy when I am able to provide a fun/relaxing atmosphere and meal where people can detox and be refreshed by His Spirit.

I have also taken the time in the afternoons to work heavily on my music. I am spending several hours a week working towards becoming proficient in three instruments and am having a blast with that. I am often tempted to give up, but knowing that He has given me a gift and if I choose not to use that gift for His glory, He can take it away as fast as He gave it. Past experiences with this concept has been my constant motivation to use these gifts for His glory.

I truly believe that God has called me to a time of rest and introspection for these next few months and am excited to see what He reveals of Himself to me. While it is more difficult for me to sit and be still than be working multiple jobs, I am glad for this season of rest- it was needed more than I care to admit.

I am thankful for the work He has started and I am so thankful for His faithfulness to complete that work. Perhaps it is time for you to step back and take a break- see what He wants you to see without the filter of business. What do you think? Willing to take that chance? Take the step with me, Take a few weeks- detox. Listen to Him alone- it just might rock your world :)

10,000 Reasons

Bless the Lord, oh my soul, oh my soul, and worship His holy name. 
Sing like never before, oh my soul and worship His holy name!
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Jess sat down in the hall in the middle of all our rooms and started asking about what she could pray for us for. Ray gave her answer, what seemed to be very quickly to me. Then she asked me. I was dreading it honestly. I'd been feeling a little mopey and really did not know what to say short of whining and complaining. So I just said I needed to work on my focus. That my focus this week would be so totally God-saturated. We moved on shortly after hearing her requests and continued on with the evening.

A  couple hours later Ray came in to my room and called Jess in and we spent some good time before the throne, lifting each other up. I went away from that time feeling much less mopey and much more at peace. Again, we moved on with what we were doing (going to bed for me!!)

I awoke the next morning and my devo was on looking to the things that are above. Focusing on heavenly things rather than the things that pass away.

The day after a 4 day holiday + typhoon day is not the most exciting morning to be waking up and going to work. But as I walked to the bus stop to get on my bus for work and did NOT get to listen to my worship music because my iPod was dead, I kept thinking about putting my mind on the heavenly things and how cool it was that this reminder came the day after I requested prayer for my focus.

Matt Redman's song 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord) kept playing on replay in my head and the thought occurred to me, "Have you ever tried to find 10,000 literal reasons to bless the Lord?"

So I texted the girls and all morning long I was either sending a text with another reason to bless Him, or receiving one from them. What a focus adjuster! It put new meaning to the verse, "Let Your praise continually be on my mouth". I found my whole attitude much more joyful and peaceful. I even stopped in one of my classes and randomly had my kids think of ten things they were thankful for. (This is how I keep them on their toes- random assignments in class :P )

I find myself wanting to despair about the mundane, or worry about things out of my hands, but today I am reminded- there are 10,000 reasons out there just waiting to be discovered as to why I should be blessing - not cursing- the Lord this day. (really there are more than 10,000, but let's just use that number for now)

I challenge you, write down 10,000 reasons today- or see how far you get. I dare you. Do it. It will rock your world.

Thank you, Daddy for every reason you've given me today to bless Your holy name!!

If You Search

Why can't I see you working, Lord? Everything seems to be going wrong and I just want to feel you near me. I want to see you at work. I want to see your love. Show me the God that once swept me off my feet and set them on high places. I want to know the One that captured my heart and made me know love as I had never known before.

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Life is  a journey. 

How many times have we all heard that phrase? We all know it is true, and if you are like me, you hate the phrase because it seems like an excuse to the easy way out. No real answers, just the excuse that life is a journey. It is going to be hard. 

As in all journeys, there are traffic jams, mountains to climb, miles and miles and miles of boring flat land, short drives through lush green areas with brilliantly colored flowers, stretches with no rest stops or restaurants, and pieces of road that could be paved with hamburgers and pasta for the number of restaurants on them. Sometimes though, when you are going through those bare and empty miles of highway you have to search for a restroom, or a place to eat. And what do you do when you are STARVING on a road trip? You search FERVENTLY. (Well, I do anyway :)

Life with God is similar. We have our ups and downs, our times of closeness and distance. Always moving forward, but sometimes discontent with what we have. I have been struggling through a time of seeming distance with my Lover and heartbroken by it, knowing that I have been the one neglecting to hear and see Him leaving love notes all around. You know what that realization does? It leaves one feeling worthless and foolish, unworthy of the love that He so lavishes on us.

Tonight we went down to the beach to see some sea turtles. Apparently on the East Coast of Florida, that is what people do at night...Kinda cool, I have to admit ~although we did not see a single turtle tonight.... Maybe another time. As we were walking down to the beach, I looked up and was instantly struck by the beauty lying there before me. Right in front of my eyes was a breathtaking scene: A boardwalk and palm trees framing a star-strewn sky that reached down into the velvety darkness of the ocean. As we approached the beach I could see the white caps of the wave glisten under the stars, reflecting the glow from the city behind us. We sat down on the beach and looked up. There were just multitudes of stars! As we sat, I was reminded of how much the night sky used to be my sanctuary to meet with my Lover every night when I would take the dog outside before bed.

I remembered a chapter I recently read in Captivating about the messages of love that God had left for the authors in such unique and specific ways for each author and began to pray that He would give me a shooting star as my note for the night. I lay down and stared up at the night sky, overwhelmed by the vastness of it, drinking in every seeming galaxy I was sure I could see up there. Time was ticking, and I started to fear that perhaps He was going to choose to give me my love note in some other way and that because I was so obsessed with shooting stars, I would miss it. My heartbeat quickened, but I was determined to keep asking and waiting. And watching. 

Suddenly Raychel exclaims, "Did you see that Jo?? How could you miss THAT???" 

Yes. I was staring at the vastness of the sky and missed the one shooting star. Did I get my love note? No. My roommate got MY love note. Sigh. I was so disappointed...and a little jealous that she got to see it. I kept praying and not even five minutes went by before I saw one of the longest shooting stars I have ever witnessed. It's tail streaming out from behind it as it streaked across the sky. As the orange brilliance faded back into the black onyx sky, I was overjoyed at my Lover's clear message to me. I literally squealed and was thrown into song for the next fifteen minutes or so.

We were sitting back down a little later, after taking a short stroll and enjoying some time worshipping the One who created the scene I saw tonight, and I was thinking how, even though He had already given two, how awesome it would be to see another one. A few minutes later, to my surprise and great delight, I looked up to see a THIRD shooting star. 

It just screamed, "You're all You say You are!!"

Once again, I was thrown into a girlish excitement at how He had not just whispered His love to me tonight, but He literally flashed it across the night sky for everyone (who was watching) to see. As He is not ashamed to proclaim His love for me, may I never be ashamed to proclaim my love to Him. 

For He is ALL He says He is!!

"If you seek Me, you will find Me, if you search with all your heart"

~Jeremiah 29:13

Abandon

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Since coming back to America, I have been blessed to spend ample time with old friends, meet some new ones and continue walking with like-minded people. It has been the trip of a lifetime indeed. Some things I have expected to happen, have not happened, Some things I never expected to happen, have happened! I have had the opportunity to talk to many people and have stimulating and encouraging conversations with them. 

I have struggled back and forth whether or not to write this blog. I have gone back and forth in the wisdom and necessity of it. I have feared the response that it might get, and I have feared the possible backlash of it. I have a question though. I have been pondering this question for days now. 

Since I have been back I have had countless people come to me and encourage me very kindly in how I am such a good example of how one should follow Christ. I have been approached and virtually asked to "motivate" others to get up and move to a foreign country for service. I have been almost held as a hero for being willing to pick up and move to a foreign country "in just two weeks". I have greatly appreciated the encouragement and am sure that each party who has offered such kind words has offered them out of the purest of hearts with pure intentions, but I consistently come back to this question.

When did being a Christian become not enough?

There are many labels that we give to people. Especially in the Christian world, we give groups of people names, ways to categorize their genuineness or willingness to serve with abandon. We categorize into groups of spirituality and "sold-out-ness".  We hero those who actually get up the courage to do something "scary" or "bold". We look at them and say, "If only I could be like them and serve like that." We hero those who experience oppression for their beliefs and say, "I don't know if I would stand so firm if I were faced with that kind of opposition!" We use people as our example to "motivate" others to serve more. The problem with this system is that we base the whole thing on people rather than the One who saves.

If we do not categorize ourselves in one of the "sold- out" kind of categories, we allow ourselves to slip slowly into a comfortable, and I would dare to say even apathetic lifestyle. We excuse this apathy by saying, "God didn't place that kind of burden on my heart" or "Well, that's just not me, or my kind of thing." and "Well, I can't do that because of the school loans...or the kids...or my apartment...or my job...or that's not my skill set."Sometimes we even say, "You don't know me, I don't trust myself enough to take that risk. Knowing me I'd fall flat on my face and ruin my testimony and the image of Christ!" We make so many excuses as to why we cannot move forward to further the kingdom and serve our King.

Not only do we make excuses though, but we then herald those who have taken a step of faith. It somehow makes us feel better about our lack of service because we know that someone somewhere is working hard for the King. Someone is being faithful. So we become content to fall into the routine of church, work, pray over meals, teach the kids to be moral, tithe, and live the comfortable life...but not too comfortable.

Now, please understand me. I am not saying that any of those things are bad in and of themselves. I certainly do not condemn them as sins. Please, please do not take me out of context here. My prayer is that we would carefully discern our own limitations that we place on ourselves from His calling on our lives. I will be the first to say that He calls each of us to many different areas of service. Personally, I greatly respect those He calls into the business world. Wow, what a battlefield to face every day! (This is one area I look at and think, "Now I could never do that!", though I know that if He placed that calling on my life, He would most certainly equip!) Some are called to stay at home and fight on the neighborhood field, inviting the kids and families to take part in life with Jesus. Some are called to education, teaching others His way of living and learning. Some are called to give food to the poor and needy, and some are called to go and share His story.

But wait. Aren't the last two calls given to every person who calls himself a Christian? I have been impressed over the last two months that the only limitations we have as Christ followers are ourselves. In limiting ourselves we display a sickening lack of trust in Him because we dare to defy His sovereign power in holding out our hands and saying, "Nope, You can't fix this, Jesus. I am too broken, stubborn, proud, useless, etc for you to do anything with." We deny the power of the cross and we negate His power to save us from whatever we view as un-lovable.

My purpose in writing this blog tonight, is not to rebuke anyone or chastise anyone. My deepest desire is that we, as Christ followers would truly follow Him. That we stop making excuses as to what we can and cannot do for the kingdom and that we be found faithful about His work.

Matthew 24:46-51 says,

Blessed is that servant whom his master will find so doing when he comes. Truly, I say to you, he will set him over all his possessions. But if that wicked servant says to himself, ‘My master is delayed,’ and begins to beat his fellow servants and eats and drinks with drunkards, the master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he does not know and will cut him in pieces and put him with the hypocrites. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Let us  then be found faithful, that we not be hypocrites. That we not be weary in well doing and that we faint not. But that we press on towards the Prize, which is Jesus Christ our Lord, knowing that no matter what we have given, it was never too much. That we live with abandon, offering each of our lives as a broken sacrifice to the One who was broken for each of us.

Just a Whisper...

"I need something"
"What do you need?"
"I don't know, a word, a love note, something!"
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The above conversation happened about a week ago between my roommate and I. We both started praying that I would soon receive whatever it was I needed. I did not have a clue what it was, but I knew that my heart was needy and only He could fix it.

The next morning (or morning after that, can't remember for sure), I woke up and read my devos. My devo book read,

Whenever you feel distant from Me, whisper My Name in loving trust. this simple prayer can restore your awareness of My Presence... The grating rancor of the world's blasphemies cannot compete with a trusting child's utterance: "Jesus". The power of My Name to bless both you and Me is beyond your understanding."

Followed by a verse from John 16:

Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.

I was floored. Instantly I remembered my prayer the night before. I about pounced on Ray as she came up the stairs because I was so excited to share my Word with her. There was one word that stuck out to me ~

Whisper.

Just after I read the message I silently whispered His name in my head. Instantly a smile grew in my heart and on my face. I knew He was there. I thought about it several more times throughout that day and the next, whispering it to myself and in my head and being amazed at the simplicity of it, yet the immense peace that it brought me.

My last night in Ohio was a perfect one. The night before there had been a dreadful storm, (I thought it was pretty cool actually - we don't really get green skies or tornado warnings/sightings in China) but that night was just perfect. The skies were clear, the sun warm, the breeze cool, and the ducks.....well... quacking. We walked down to a pond and just stood there on the tiny bridge reminiscing and musing over our lives, and where He's brought us. Then we went back and played a game and walked out to sit in the cool of the evening and read. Ray got a lot of reading done, I got about eight words read before I got distracted by the scene in front of me. Across a couple of lawns, there was a cluster of trees and under the trees there was a small play set. Suddenly I saw dozens of fireflies start coming up from the ground and flying around for just a moment before extinguishing. It looked enchanted, like fairies coming out to make the whole night a little bit better. In that moment I remembered His name and whispered, "Jesus" to myself. Instantly, once again, my attention was drawn to an awareness that He was sitting there with me on the swing, musing over His creation. He was, oh, I don't know, dancing among the "fairies" under the trees across the way- His beauty just egging them on to dance a wondrous gift of worship to Him. He was inside with Gram and Grandpa helping them get ready to drive us south the next day. He was with my roommate in China. He was quieting my heart, whispering, "Peace, be still."

Some dear sisters in China recently wrote a beautiful song entitled, Whispers:

Maybe some day through my whispers I will get through to you. Maybe one day, and I hope it comes 'round soon, you'll encounter the truth.

I was reminded that I am not the only one who whispers though I do not wait, listening attentively to catch His whispers, I think He often whispers his messages of love to me. I am just too busy to listen. How much more would I escape the ensnarement of despair if I would slow down long enough to hear His whispers?  So that is where I write you from tonight. Battling despair, yet once again, Over and over again I hear in my head,

Why are you cast down, oh my should and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God and you will yet again praise His holy name!

And I know in my head that the morning is coming Hope is here now. He is whispering. So why can I not hear Him right now? I will cling to the hope that I have heard Him time and time again and I will keep crying out to Him. For my Abba hears me, and He will rescue me.
Here's to His attentive whispers. May we not block them out with the noise of our souls!

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him, how I've proved Him o're and o're. Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus, Oh for grace to trust Him more!

In Shock

My jaw dropped as I got off the plane. Ray snickered and rolled her eyes and whispered, "Geez, control yourself, Jo!" I could not help my staring though. There was so much that was familiar, yet it all seemed so foreign all of the sudden. 
I felt out of place.
..................................
I guess in short, I'm looking back at the last couple of years and as all my memories start to blur together I am in shock to see just how much has happened. I know I said that in my year end blog, but I see how much MORE has happened that I didn't even count as "significant" because I was still in China.

Now that I'm back, it is a totally different story.

We got into Chicago and there were just way to many "foreigners" everywhere. And I walked between people who were taller than me! A normal experience for most of you, and while it does happen in China...actually rather often....there's a difference. Just take my word for it. I had to watch myself as my first response to most of what I saw was, "Whaaa" (in traditional Chinese style). Ray just rolled her eyes at me as she often reminded me to stop staring at people and not to make comments about people out loud- in English... I got accustomed to talking about people in front of them because no one can understand me in China... :P

We got in the car at the airport and started driving. I started squealing. I know, I can be a little pathetic at times, but when there are SO many places to eat everywhere I get super excited. No more dreaming about these places, I can actually GO there! We got to the hotel room and What happened? I fell onto an incredibly fluffy bed. I almost didn't move again. It was heaven and first touch. Wow. Went to Cracker Barrel for dinner and breakfast and I think I died both times. Did you know that they give you bottles of syrup there for your breakfast?  BOTTLES! And if you don't use it all there that day, they you get to take it home! Oh buddy. You better believe I came back with a purse load of syrup to take back with me. What a great country! On the way home that day, I found myself staring at road signs and semi-trucks and reading their every word. Obviously, it was in English! It must be important! Haha. Sigh. Welcome back to America, right?

The first two weeks back were spent mostly sleeping. A lot of thinking, a lot of praying, and a lot of sleeping. Jet lag was not so kind to me and I found myself pacing around or trying to figure out what to do at 3am and dog tired at 3pm. I think I am mostly over it now, but time will tell, I suppose. :)

Reflecting as I was walking around the pristine American dreamy neighborhoods and skipping from restaurant to restaurant to movie theatre to cookout and games of volleyball and corn hole, I found myself discontent with what I saw. One thing I have always struggled with is the idea of myself as a wife and mother, living in a pristine little house- the entire interior designed in a whimsical yet homey sort of creative way and the lawn perfectly manicured by my husband who, of course, will be a super hero at that kind of thing. And as I walked along or drove by houses I tried to imagine myself the owner and decorator of that house- cooking in the kitchen every day, playing with my kids in the house in the back yard every summer. At first the idea was brilliant. So "stress-free", so fun, so...so...perfect. The moment that word came into my mind it was like in a movie where someone's day dream ends abruptly. I suddenly couldn't imagine anything worse that. I was reminded again right there and right then as I was looking at a corner with three gorgeous northern Ohio houses that this world is not my home. This country does not hold His best for me- at least right now. I could never be content here as long as my calling is elsewhere. That was the moment I got homesick. For my other temporary home. So until He makes it clear and sends me elsewhere, I will call my little (big) turquoise and grey living room, tiny kitchen with zilcho counter space, and awesome multi-colored room with amazing twinkle lights, my perfect home. Even when the roaches wave their antennae at me from the plate I pull out of the cupboard.... I am reminded:

This is home.

Psalm 71

...............................

In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;
    let me never be put to shame.
In your righteousness, rescue me and deliver me;
    turn your ear to me and save me.
Be my rock of refuge,
    to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
    for you are my rock and my fortress.
Deliver me, my God, from the hand of the wicked,
    from the grasp of those who are evil and cruel.

For you have been my hope, Sovereign Lord,
    my confidence since my youth.
From birth I have relied on you;
    you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.
    I will ever praise you.
I have become a sign to many;
    you are my strong refuge.
My mouth is filled with your praise,
    declaring your splendor all day long.

Do not cast me away when I am old;
    do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
For my enemies speak against me;
    those who wait to kill me conspire together.
They say, “God has forsaken him;
    pursue him and seize him,
    for no one will rescue him.”
Do not be far from me, my God;
    come quickly, God, to help me.
May my accusers perish in shame;
    may those who want to harm me
    be covered with scorn and disgrace.

As for me, I will always have hope;
    I will praise you more and more.

My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds,
    of your saving acts all day long—
    though I know not how to relate them all.
I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign Lord;
    I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone.
Since my youth, God, you have taught me,
    and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
Even when I am old and gray,
    do not forsake me, my God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
    your mighty acts to all who are to come.

Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens,
    you who have done great things.
    Who is like you, God?
Though you have made me see troubles,
    many and bitter,
    you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
    you will again bring me up.
You will increase my honor
    and comfort me once more.

I will praise you with the harp
    for your faithfulness, my God;
I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
    Holy One of Israel.
My lips will shout for joy
    when I sing praise to you—
    I whom you have delivered.
My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
    all day long,
for those who wanted to harm me
    have been put to shame and confusion.

Rain may come...

But He will always bring beauty from the pain.

Radical Life?

When I was in high school, a friend and mentor told me I had a bad case of the "what if's"...

The following is an old journal entry from  Nov 2012 that I recently stumbled upon. 
Good questions. 
What do the answers look like for you?
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"What would happen if we all just slowed down?
Instead of working so hard to keep up with everyone around us, we just set our own pace...
What if we dictated what we did with every moment and the only standard we had for our time Scriptural principle?
What if we focused every day on doing right and bringing all the glory to God.
What if we only had three goals in life?
         To seek God
         Love mercy
  and Walk humbly with our God.
What if we just didn't care what "they" said?
What if we were the pace setters?
What if we actually meditated on Scripture so we knew what was wrong and what was right- instead of asking everyone around us."

........................

What if we actually trusted God to be who He says He is, rather than who we think/expect Him to be?

Silence

"Be silent, all flesh, before the LORD, for He has roused Himself from His holy dwelling."

~Zechariah 2:13
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I was reading my devo the other day and it was about God meeting with us in the stillness of our souls. I read the devo and was like,

"Well, that was good and all, but if You wanted my soul to be still then why are You opening all of these old wound up and making chaos out of what I thought was a pretty well put together life?"

And I proceded on to the Scripture verses which were all great, of course, but did not feel quite as fulfilled and excited as I normally do after reading and meditating. However, something about the first passage I read stuck out to me. It was the passage from Zechariah.

It seriously bothered me for some reason. I could not figure out why God had roused Himself.

Was it from anger? Was it to bless? Was it to curse? Was it to obliterate the Israelites enemies????

I went to read the verse after verse 13, but there were none. It was a new chapter....talking about Joshua. When I saw it was not a continuation of verse 13 I got frustrated and gave up. I set my Bible aside and said,

"God, what in the world? Why did You not give a little more detail here. What were You doing? What got Your attention so much that You told ALL FLESH to be silent because You had roused Yourself? Hello, I need answers, and I need to know what You are doing. What in the world are You up to right now???? You cannot expect me to just sit here in silence because You got up. Can You at least give me a clue as to what is going on?

(As if I have a right to question how and why God chose to write the Bible. Seriously, who am I to question His authoring rights? Sigh...This is just a transparent moment for me to all of you of my regular conversations with my Daddy)

Anyways, it was like in that moment of rushing about in my soul that He seemed to touch the rushing waters with His finger and calmed my innermost being.  Suddenly I got it,

"Ohhhh, silence!!!!!! (as I was still talking to Him...) I get it! I do not have to know what, why, or how long....You just want me to be silent! I get it! Okay!!"

Almost instantly a song welled up inside of me so I grabbed my guitar and what came out is what I have posted below. Ignore the video, but I hope that the words can be of some encouragement to you as you learn to sit in silence with the Most Holy One.

It's been a year....

So it's been more than a year now and I'm just now getting to my "year anniversary" post....
So much has happened.
So much has been learned.
So much.
Too much?
...........................

I've had this blog on my mind for weeks now, trying to figure out just what I wanted/should put in my "I've been living in China for a year now" blog. I have made several observations about myself and how I view things differently now than I did a year ago.

1.) I saw a chicken walking around the other day on my way home from school and found myself staring at their feet thinking to myself, "I could be eating that right now...huh...That's kinda gross."

2.) I stare entirely too much. Everyone stares in China, it's just kind of what you do- if someone or something is interesting, random, funny, abnormal- you stare. And I find myself staring unashamedly, OFTEN.

3.) I have found that I no longer laugh and giggle and say, "Oh China..." About things that bother me or that I find ridiculous. I have caught myself complaining quite a bit lately and I am not so okay with that, but none-the-less it has been an observation I have made.

4.) I get annoyed if people say they can speak Chinese because they can say "你好" or "谢谢" Seriously. You can not speak the language if all you can say is "Hello" and "Thank you"....

5.) I get more excited when one of my students says that they are looking forward to class the next day than I do when they can spell a word correctly cause it means that they are actually thinking about coming to class again!!!

6.) My expectations in the classrooms have drastically changed. I want to see my kids understand love more than English. (The English always comes along in the end anyway :P )

These are just a few of the observations I have made lately, but I wanted to talk more about everything I have observed inside of me. Which is a lot, so I'll try to summarize... :)

I have been told by many people that I am like 90% different from who I was when I arrived in China a little over a year ago.

And it's true. I am quite different. I look different. I have a few new piercings (not brand new, Mom, don't worry, I haven't gotten any since you were here :) ), I have a tattoo, I have bleached high lights and for a time had cherry red streaks in my hair (And I'm getting ready to throw some blue in there). Yep, looking at me one might be quick to judge and say, "She has turned far from her roots".

That could not be further from the truth. In the last year I have had ample time to think, pray, seek, learn, glean wisdom, cry, and grow. It has not always been a pretty endeavor, or even a desired one, but it has been needed. I have been hurt and seen hurt. I have walked through dark valleys and witnessed heart wrenching things. I have cried and been cried on, I have encouraged and been encouraged, I have run away and been led back home, I have been active and learned to be still...

I have discovered such freedom here. I know, red flags being waved for some of you right now, but I do not mean freedom to go wild or be crazy or make stupid choices. I mean an incredible freedom with my Savior. He has taken me into a deeper more intimate relationship that has hurt and brought such an unquenchable joy at the same time.

I came afraid to serve Him. Afraid of disappointing people, afraid of letting people down, afraid of letting myself down, afraid of failure, afraid of what people would think about my every move, afraid of letting God down.

In my time here He has stripped away those fears leaving me bare before a holy, loving God. One who knows me already. One who knows my fears. One who knows my failures. One who loves me. One who accepts me. One who cares about me. One who will never leave.

If that does not motivate a person with love, I really cannot imagine what would.

When I came to China, I had a view of God as being an unhappy parent whose love needed to be earned. I felt like I could lose His approval, like I could lose His love, that I could make Him proud of me. And so I worked as hard as I could to earn all of that. I wanted Him to be happy with me, I wanted Him to be proud of me. I did not want to step out of His will for my life, I did not want to miss His "perfect will" for me. Most of my life I heard that I could make God angry with me and that I could make such a horrible choice that I would miss out on whatever He had planned for me. (When did I become more powerful than God though?)

I went about life judging the people around me. I saw "bad choices" and thought, "Wow, they must be living a miserable life right now", and, "Oh man, I hope I never make a choice as bad as THAT one, she just threw away her life!" and, "How can these people say they love God when they drink ALCOHOL?????"

What a pharisaical attitude I lived my life with. I am ashamed of it now, but I am so thankful knowing that there is now therefore NO condemnation on my former thoughts and beliefs. I am so thankful that God never loved or judged me the way I loved and judged my brothers and sisters in Him.

Casting all this aside, rebuking the spirit of unbelief, disunity, and dissension in my heart, I have found such freedom to love the lost, to love the broken, to love the unlovable. I have found such solace in His comforting words of justice, mercy, and grace in His Word. I have found new freedom to worship Him with all that is within me. I have found freedom to fall flat on my face before my Father, broken, needy, and repentant, but knowing that I am running to His arms where He will not cast me aside, but rather hold me close and wipe my tears and lead me on to a closer renewed relationship with Him.

This, THIS is where I almost burst into tears again in gratefulness for His abundant grace poured out in my life. I am astounded by His love towards me. I cannot fathom it, but I know it is all I need. I know that I am His child, a "Child of Grace" Held in is everlasting grip forever!

My Abba loves me and I my Abba. He loved not because I needed to be loved, but I love because He poured out His love when I was clueless and wrapped me up and called me His own.

There is a smidgen of what He has done in me since coming here, but I am so overwhelmed by gratitude and humbled by it that I thought it was time to stop hiding it, time to stop fearing what anyone who may or may not read this may think. I am done hiding what He is doing in me- it shrinks God to my size and grossly undermines the glory that He should receive. I am so thankful for His love. I am so thankful for His mercy. I am so thankful to be called His.

My Abba loves me and I my Abba.

May the Words of My Mouth...

Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.
Colossians 4:5-6
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I feel like this really does not need any more from me. No explanation or anything. But becuse I have a thing with words I guess I will continue. :P

I was reading in my devos this morning about being intentional about letting God direct my day. Slowing down, giving thanks, resting in the peace of His presence. All very good reminders, very timely and going right along with everything God's been teaching me these last couple of weeks. One of the verses that was sited in the devo was Colossians 4:2-

"Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving."

Which was great in light of what I was reading. Because of my insatiable curiosity I was prompted to continue reading through the chapter and came upon the two verses quoted above. Several things jumped out at me and I wanted to share them with you...

Toward outsiders: Walk in wisdom toward outsiders? Coming from such a performance based background, my first instinct was to slam on the bakes and say, "Wha??? I get the 'walk in wisdom' part, but do it for other people??" But there is no limit on this. It's not just for outsiders to see a difference in us, but it is the other way around. We walk in wisdom and as a result outsiders inevitably see it. 

The best use of the time: There are SO many things that we can do with out time. Lately I find myself toggling between spending an amazing amount of time in the word/study and talking with friends back home (both in China and the US) It's been a great few days of retreat for me. (apparently MUCH needed) While it has been most helpful to me, I find myself drawn to mindless things to do on the internet, whether watching the next episode of Psych, playing a relax game on Facebook (yes. Bubble Safari is surprisingly relaxing for me), or looking for the latest pins on Pinterest- I find myself intermittently spending a hours on these activities (if you combine all the time spent on each a day). While it is really great for me to actually have the time to spend doing all this, it is not the best use of my time right now. Wisdom says, "making the best use of your time".

Always: Let your speech always be gracious. There is no room for momentary slander, frustration taken out on someone in anger, criticism, destructive teasing, etc. Salt hurts, but it purifies. So also should our speech be purified. I tend to be very critical with my words and assessments of other- especially when I am in a place where there are SO many international styles (both external and internal) and I tend to be very quick to criticize (normally not very discreetly) things that I see or hear that I don't like. This is not always gracious, definitely an area to be improved upon. 

But how wonderful that the Father takes time to reveal His character to us, isn't it? How wonderful that the Spirit speaks to us in ways that are so clear and pointed! But we must be listening to Him. We must have eyes to see Him and ears to hear Him. What is getting in the way of your receiving Him today? 

Won't you join me in my quest to walk in wisdom continually and let my life be seasoned with grace? May His name be praised continually, for He has done great and marvelous things!