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It was a brand new experience for me- leading worship. Daunting even, especially when your first time leading music, leading people into the presence of a holy, living God, is in front of a few hundred strangers from around the world with musicians that you hadn't met until the day you were to lead. To be honest, I was terrified. I wasn't even sure that I should be leading worship, being a girl and all… I wasn't sure if it was "allowed" or not.
Somehow, I had a peace and almost excitement about it though, so I proceeded. I still remember the theme of the set, Freedom.
Freedom from sin.
Freedom from human restrictions.
Freedom from gossip and those who seek to tear down and destroy.
Freedom to live.
Freedom to worship.
It was this freedom that spurred me lead with gusto. I wanted every worshipper in that building to grasp the reality of the freedom that has been given to all who claim the name of Jesus and crucify their flesh daily. The set included an invitation to come and drink of His life, to meditate on His faithfulness, and call to worship our great God.
The experience was that like none other. I knew it was right, and I had never felt so filled in my life. Halfway through the time of worship, I heard someone exhorting the congregation and was shocked to find my lips moving, and slowly realizing it was my voice that was used to challenge the people and call them to worship.
I remember, as we were sitting backstage waiting for the invitation, my newfound drummer friend turned to me and said, "I can see how you love to sing. You feel like you can worship best through song and it shows all over you when you lead. It's amazing! It's like that for me when I'm drumming."
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For some reason, what that Dominican drummer said has stuck with me these last two years. In these two years, I have lead worship on and off at our local fellowship- sometimes steadily on, and sometimes seldom on. It's going on close to a year that I have not been the 'lead worshipper' on the platform. During that year, I took up the position of Worship Coordinator at the fellowship. Ironically, the time I took up the official position was the same time that I felt it necessary that I step back from leading. I continued to participate on teams, but would not put myself on the schedule to lead any teams.
It was under the name of, "I don't feel called to lead teams right now" mixed with a little, "I need to keep coordinating the program and leading separate, I can't do both- it's one or the other", that I quite leading.
During my last year of coordinating, I have felt frustrated, excited, let down, discouraged and exasperated. That was one reason I decided to take my name of the leader list.
"Leader's don't feel these things."
This is what I would tell myself. They're not allowed to have these feelings. Leaders persevere through the ups and downs and keep everyone else motivated and striving forward. Then it came, all the proof that I needed not to be leading.
"Joanna, to be a leader, you actually have to have people following you."
The words that would come to tear apart my every confidence that I was called to be a leader. I looked around and the lies of the enemy spread to every part of my being. All the hard work that I was putting into the worship program at fellowship seemed to be for naught. Leaders were proceeding as they deemed fit without taking guidelines and suggestions to heart. Instructions from the top, passed down to me to spread throughout the teams was ignored. I felt helpless and… followerless.
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In the meantime, I discovered that I love to worship in music. A fellow worshipper came alongside me to encourage me in the gifts of music and worship that I have been entrusted with and encouraged me to continue on worshipping my Creator and Lover with all the gusto I could give. She also stated matter-of-factly that I have been called to exhort and to continue exhorting as the Spirit lead me to speak.
As I tried to pour my heart out in worship (many times unsuccessfully, what with the whispers in my own head that I wasn't good enough) I found myself distracted by my failure as a leader. I stopped speaking. I found myself distracted by other's lack of leadership. I found myself distracted by people, and as I continued to ponder this growing frustration and discontent, I found my heart of worship getting more and more turned away from my Creator and on to His creation.
Herein was my greatest folly. In this subtle distraction, I began to worry about what instruments the teams were using, what nationalities were participating regularly, what genders were predominately on stage, and how often we were rotating traditional Christian songs or hymns, worship songs written in other country's (other than America or Australia) and new praise songs. I was constantly fielding a flood of complaints by people stating that we sang too many songs in English, there were too many Americans on platform, the leaders were all American. There wasn't enough variety, there was too much variety; music wasn't traditional enough, music was too traditional and didn't give enough room for the Spirit to move. Music time was too long, music time wasn't long enough… I lost my confidence. I was afraid of the outcast I would surely become if I continued to say what I believed I had been given to say. I turned in my notice that I would no longer be the Worship Coordinator. My frustrations, the lies whispered in my ears, and lack of interest from the congregation had quenched my desire to serve, sing, worship, and exhort.
The worship of man and preference reached higher than worship of a living God.
So it is with so many churches across the world. Worship music has been turned into music time to make man feel good about calling himself Christian. Sermons have become speeches filled with apologies and clarifications that we, by no means, want to sound like we are generalizing and condemning people or sin as a whole, but the Bible only talks about extreme cases- our congregations surely don't struggle with the sin of Biblical times. Jesus' love and grace covers every sin in the congregation, so no need to feel uncomfortable during this time of teaching.
And so, the cross behind the pulpit is changed to murals of children's programs, the pastor smiling with his right hand in the air for effect, the music teams- eyes closed and arms raised, the congregation- all smiling- chatting it up in the assembly hall during a church picnic.
And all this. In the house of the living God.
For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge or the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a fearful expectation of judgment, and a fury of fire that will consume the adversaries. Anyone who has set aside the law of Moses dies without mercy on the evidence of two or three witnesses. How much worse punishment, do you think, will be served by the one who has trampled underfoot the Son of God, and has profaned the blood of the convenient by which he was sanctified, and has outraged the Spirit of grace? For we know him who said, 'Vengeance is mine; I will repay.' And again, 'The Lord will judge his people.' it is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.
But recall the former days when, after you were enlightened, you endured a hard struggle with sufferings, sometimes being publicly exposed to reproach and affliction, and sometimes being partners with those so treated…Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.And so my heart smote me. Lord, forgive my distraction and my worship of the god of preference and position.
Don't you see?
The moment we stop to consider how the person will take the message of the living God, is the moment that we fall into the sin of idol worship. I'm not being extreme here- this is Biblical. Who are we to be the respecter of persons? Who are we to turn the house of the Lord into a house of preference, our services into an act of religious dignity, our spirituality into the very Pharisee that we condemn in one breath and copy in the next? We have profaned His name, His house, and His people.
Leaders, join me on my knees- repenting for the way we have lead His people astray in our attempts to make Christianity and church more comfortable and user- friendly! Join me in a movement to call His people back to humble worship of God- eyes on Him, ears tuned only to Him. Join me in calling sin, sin. Join me returning to the God of the Old Testament who lead his people through the wilderness, exile, and the land flowing with milk and honey. The God of the New Testament who not only sent His Son to fulfill prophecy, train up disciples (leaders), give His life and raise it up again that we experience fullness of salvation, but also sent a Helper- to guide us, convict us, and lead us. Join me as we return to the Scripture for our definition of church and leadership. Join me in the Scriptures, before the living God, praying for wisdom and courage and discernment.
Stand up for the living God. Call to remembrance the day when He called your name out of the darkness and brought you into life. Return to the Him, my dear Leader. Return and worship. For it is only when we worship the living God, that we can lead as only He knows how.
