Shosholoza- "Go Forward, Make way for the Next Man"

"Look in my eyes. Do you hear? Listen to your country.... this is it. This is our destiny!!!!"

I recently watched "Invictus", a compelling movie based on the true recent events encouraging the fall of apartheid in South Africa. Love the movie. However, I got to the scene when the Boks were in playing the AllBlacks for the rugby world cup and heard Francois Pienaar say the words above I was compelled to think of Hebrews 12:1-3. 

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles."

Do you hear them? Are you listening? We have a great cloud of witnesses surrounding us, just as South Africaans surrounded their beloved Springboks back in 1995. I am a very visual person, so when I saw this representation of those looking on with eager expectation, cheering for those fighting for what they believed in I went straight back in my mind to these verses. I don't even think to listen for them- chearing me on, encouraging me not to give up or give in to the agony of the race. It's not an easy path we have chosen or been called to- it's one of self denial and of purpose. Of Truth. Of great importance. As we run, as we fight, we encourage those watching us here to run and fight with us. Alongside us as brothers and sisters. Looking at our Captain. Are you with Him?

I was going through some older musings of mine and stumbled on this one. I was once again spurred on as I hope you will be also.

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"Shosholoza, Shosholoza Ku lezontaba Stimela siphum' Rhodesia. Shosholoza, Shosholoza Ku lezontaba. Stimela siphum' Rhodesia. Wen' uyabaleka Wen' uyabaleka Ku lezontaba. Stimela siphum' Rhodesia!"

This song, sung by the crowd during the game is significant in that it's a call out for those burdended by the mine work in Zimbabwe- the late Rhodesia. They worked countless hours as slaves in the mines of Zimbabwe and this song was a call to freedom and perserverance. The rough transaltions says, "Move fast on those mountains train from Rhodesia.You are running away on those mountains train from Rhodesia." It was a call for the next man, the next generation. They were moving away from slavery, moving towards freedom. Leaving the old and calling out for the next generation to have a better life than they did. The migrants from Rhodesia sang this as they left their country and migrated to South Africa. They knew it would still be a hard life, but they were willing to fight for it because they knew it was worth it. A life shaped by hardship as a free man was far better than a life of hardship as a slave in a mine.

So we as Christians have a song we sing as we leave our old life of slavery and look forward to the new life of freedom. While we know there will be hardship and trials. We go. We follow. We sing for joy. We know that a life faced with hardship, sadness, discouragement, exhaustion, and sometimes agony is worth it, for we are free from the bondage of sin. We are not alone and hopeless as we once were. We live with the hope that we may,

"Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

We have a new Leader. One that leads us to unity and victory. Will we fight with and for Him? 

Propaganda and Children

For simplicity sake, when I refer to raising children, I will use the pronouns "we" and "us", mostly because as a teacher, I often refer to my students as "my kids" and take my responsibility very seriously. But for clarification, I am not a parent. :)
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"Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it."

Proverbs 22:6 KJV
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I grew up in a Christian home. I was taught about Jesus from the time I was conceived until now. I have watched as countless others whom I grew up with, watched, admired, and tried to model made choices that became detrimental to their lives, families, and walks with God. I have often wondered the age old question, "What went wrong?".

When did the change happen? The change that all parents fear and dread- when their child chose not to follow in the ways their parents so attentively taught to them. Didn't God say that if we train up the child, they will never depart? So where is all this departure coming from? This leaves many parents to say, "Well God, I did my part, so where are you? Why aren't you doing yours?" And so sets in a slight hardening of the heart in even the parent.

We have been taught from a young age, 'Obey, and all will be well. You will get the reward, you will be loved, and you will experience great blessing and not the heartache that others face as a result of their disobedience'. It's true, even parents operate by these same rules and systems.

Obedience does one of two things:
1. Breeds frustration because even when rules and systems are obeyed, the obedient one does not receive the recognition they believe due.
2. Begs for action with no heart.

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Follow with me for a moment. I moved to China and have taught in Christian schools, Private schools, and Public schools. The kids are very much all the same and their behavior is very similar in each situation, but the teaching styles and methods are very, very different. I have been open with friends and family about what I teach and subject matter that is taught (or not taught) in each of these school settings. Many heap praise on the content taught in the Christian schools for it's moral/Biblical uprightness, and and even step out to say good words about freedom to teach an assortment of subjects in the Private schools, but when faced with content of Public school, I often listen and watch as faces become contorted and those around me scoff and criticize the blatant "indoctrination" of our youth. I heard these same complaints about Public schools in America and how we are feeding our youth propaganda that will turn our world away from Jesus.

Now, I was homeschooled: Pre-K to 12th grade, I was homeschooled. I was in a Christians school for one day when my parents went to a conference and they let us visit classes for the day. I know that I was not indoctrinated by the evil Public school system, that so many of my peers had to face all alone.  I know many others who have been homeschooled or went to Christian schools that memorized countless Bible verses, learned how to pray right, and were put into Theology classes by the time they were in 8th grade, so I know that they, too, did not experience the lonely indoctrination that our peers in EPS (Evil Public School) faced.  But still, their hearts are far from God.  We're talking MVP's, Christian Character Award winners, Most Humble Student Award winners, A+ Honor roll students. These were good kids!

WHAT HAPPENED??

Even so, I know many others who grew up (some in Christian homes, some not) and went to Public school that love Jesus with the very fiber of their beings. They hunger and thirst after righteousness and seek God withe their whole hearts, and guess what?

They find Him.

These youth were taught from a young age that if you want something, you go for it. If you think there is something better out there for you, you pursue it. If you want to be a Jesus Freak (AKA believe in Jesus, or even just be curious about this Jesus), you would have to sacrifice to even be associated with Him. They were taught from an early age that believing in Jesus might mean that they had to "forsake father, mother, brother, sister", and they did it.

Because they wanted Him.

They had tasted the Water that would quench their thirst and yet make them hunger and thirst all the more after righteousness. They had given up everything that was important to them at school (namely popularity) and had become like an outcast to gain something that would be the most important Thing in all of eternity. They knew what following Jesus was going to cost them and they followed anyway.

Might I be so bold as to say that in our tizzy to make sure that we as parents are getting the good results that we want, we subject our kids to the greatest indoctrination of all time: the Gospel.

We teach our children from the time they are born that Mommy and Daddy love it when they say things like "Jesus" and "Jesus loves me!" and when they pray before meals, or recite the Golden Rule with a smile. We teach them that when they obey first time that we are happy with them. If they read their Bibles every day, we are happy with them. If they go to church and don't fight, we are happy with them.

The focus becomes us, under the guise of Sunday School and Jesus' name. What blasphemy we raise our children in! It's no wonder that they stray from the the heart of the Gospel!
They were never taught the heart of the Gospel!

They have been taught to follow the rules because it makes Mommy and Daddy happy, and really, what 3 year old doesn't want to make Mommy and Daddy happy? In middle school and high school, they follow the rules because it keeps them from being grounded, or diverts the attention while they continue on in their secret life style behind the church on Friday nights.
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Obedience
Am I saying throw Bible training to the wind? Am I telling you to go enroll your kids in EPS? Am I telling you not to take your kids to church on Sunday?

Not at all.

I'm first asking you to search your own heart and take your eyes off of yourself for a moment. Forget your own parenting skills and trying to make up for your own failures in your children. Perhaps you are looking for worth and affirmation in how your kids "turn out", and nothing could be farther from the truth. At the end of the day, the end of your life, God will not ask you how your kids turned out, but how your heart "turned out". Your kids need your gentle teaching about Jesus, not how to obey. We have all been born with an innate sense of what it means to obey. Kids don't need more of that. They need to know that you care about more than performance and strict adherence to rules. Remember, parenting is not about you as a parent, it's about what you do with what has been given to you! You can't control your child's choices, but you can have a clear conscience before God that you have taught them righteousness, love, holiness, grace, justice, and mercy. What your child chooses to do with that teaching is their choice- and admittedly sometimes a painful one to watch. But where is the sovereignty of God in all this? Can we trust the Holy Spirit to move and guide and change and mold?

Second, I'm humbly and gently encouraging you to take your kids deeper than obedience. Give them a chance to seek God with their whole hearts. Be glad when they choose to go to church or sings about Jesus.

We have GOT to stop raising generation after generation of obedience followers! As children, we were taught to obey, so we did. As parents, we teach to obey, and so our children do- but none of it leads to life and salvation! None of it leads to the abundant life with Jesus!

A form of the word "obey" is mentioned a total of 146 times in the KJV. A form of the word "love" appears 558 times. I think Jesus is more interested in His love for our kids (and I would also say us!) and more interested in our kids' (and again, us!) love for Him, than our kids' obedience.

Wherefore the Lord said, Forasmuch as this people draw nearme with their mouth, and with their lips do honour me, but have removed their heart far from me, and their fear toward me is taught by the precept of men:                  Isaiah 29:13 KJV

And again, in Matthew 15 and Mark 7 and John 5, God talks about the folly of one who follows Him with their lips, but their hearts are far from Him.

Please, I beg you. Stop indoctrinating your children and start teaching them about Jesus and that life with Him isn't easy. Teach them that they might lose everything, but that for sure, they must be willing to let it all go- family, routine, job, friends, money, comfort, home.

If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.   Luke 14:26 KJV

Confessions of a Worshipper, Leader

     It was two years ago, just before the summer began, he came to me. "Jo," he said, "I've been asked to lead the music team from XICF at the Wuhan Summerfest 2012. I'm swamped with work as it is, what with exams coming up an all, so would you mind sort of 'co-leading' with me and picking out the songs and all?" Little did I know that a week or so later, he would once again come to me and suggest that I lead the music at Summerfest, as I had "already picked out the music and knew the theme and all…"
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    It was a brand new experience for me- leading worship. Daunting even, especially when your first time leading music, leading people into the presence of a holy, living God, is in front of a few hundred strangers from around the world with musicians that you hadn't met until the day you were to lead. To be honest, I was terrified. I wasn't even sure that I should be leading worship, being a girl and all… I wasn't sure if it was "allowed" or not.
Somehow, I had a peace and almost excitement about it though, so I proceeded. I still remember the theme of the set, Freedom.

Freedom from sin.
Freedom from human restrictions.
Freedom from gossip and those who seek to tear down and destroy.
Freedom to live.
Freedom to worship.

It was this freedom that spurred me lead with gusto. I wanted every worshipper in that building to grasp the reality of the freedom that has been given to all who claim the name of Jesus and crucify their flesh daily. The set included an invitation to come and drink of His life, to meditate on His faithfulness, and call to worship our great God.
The experience was that like none other. I knew it was right, and I had never felt so filled in my life. Halfway through the time of worship, I heard someone exhorting the congregation and was shocked to find my lips moving, and slowly realizing it was my voice that was used to challenge the people and call them to worship.
I remember, as we were sitting backstage waiting for the invitation, my newfound drummer friend turned to me and said, "I can see how you love to sing. You feel like you can worship best through song and it shows all over you when you lead. It's amazing! It's like that for me when I'm drumming."
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For some reason, what that Dominican drummer said has stuck with me these last two years. In these two years, I have lead worship on and off at our local fellowship- sometimes steadily on, and sometimes seldom on. It's going on close to a year that I have not been the 'lead worshipper' on the platform. During that year, I took up the position of Worship Coordinator at the fellowship. Ironically, the time I took up the official position was the same time that I felt it necessary that I step back from leading. I continued to participate on teams, but would not put myself on the schedule to lead any teams.
It was under the name of, "I don't feel called to lead teams right now" mixed with a little, "I need to keep coordinating the program and leading separate, I can't do both- it's one or the other", that I quite leading.
During my last year of coordinating, I have felt  frustrated, excited, let down, discouraged and exasperated. That was one reason I decided to take my name of the leader list.

"Leader's don't feel these things."

This is what I would tell myself. They're not allowed to have these feelings. Leaders persevere through the ups and downs and keep everyone else motivated and striving forward. Then it came, all the proof that I needed not to be leading.

"Joanna, to be a leader, you actually have to have people following you."

The words that would come to tear apart my every confidence that I was called to be a leader. I looked around and the lies of the enemy spread to every part of my being. All the hard work that I was putting into the worship program at fellowship seemed to be for naught. Leaders were proceeding as they deemed fit without taking guidelines and suggestions to heart. Instructions from the top, passed down to me to spread throughout the teams was ignored. I felt helpless and… followerless.
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In the meantime, I discovered that I love to worship in music. A fellow worshipper came alongside me to encourage me in the gifts of music and worship that I have been entrusted with and encouraged me to continue on worshipping my Creator and Lover with all the gusto I could give. She also stated matter-of-factly that I have been called to exhort and to continue exhorting as the Spirit lead me to speak.

As I tried to pour my heart out in worship (many times unsuccessfully, what with the whispers in my own head that I wasn't good enough) I found myself distracted by my failure as a leader. I stopped speaking. I found myself distracted by other's lack of leadership. I found myself distracted by people, and as I continued to ponder this growing frustration and discontent, I found my heart of worship getting more and more turned away from my Creator and on to His creation.

Herein was my greatest folly. In this subtle distraction, I began to worry about what instruments the teams were using, what nationalities were participating regularly, what genders were predominately on stage, and how often we were rotating traditional Christian songs or hymns, worship songs written in other country's (other than America or Australia) and new praise songs. I was constantly fielding a flood of complaints by people stating that we sang too many songs in English, there were too many Americans on platform, the leaders were all American. There wasn't enough variety, there was too much variety; music wasn't traditional enough, music was too traditional and didn't give enough room for the Spirit to move. Music time was too long, music time wasn't long enough… I lost my confidence. I was afraid of the outcast I would surely become if I continued to say what I believed I had been given to say. I turned in my notice that I would no longer be the Worship Coordinator. My frustrations, the lies whispered in my ears, and lack of interest from the congregation had quenched my desire to serve, sing, worship, and exhort.

The worship of man and preference reached higher than worship of a living God.
So it is with so many churches across the world. Worship music has been turned into music time to make man feel good about calling himself Christian. Sermons have become speeches filled with apologies and clarifications that we, by no means, want to sound like we are generalizing and condemning people or sin as a whole, but the Bible only talks about extreme cases- our congregations surely don't struggle with the sin of Biblical times. Jesus' love and grace covers every sin in the congregation, so no need to feel uncomfortable during this time of teaching.
And so, the cross behind the pulpit is changed to murals of children's programs, the pastor smiling with his right hand in the air for effect, the music teams- eyes closed and arms raised, the congregation- all smiling- chatting it up in the assembly hall during a church picnic.

And all this. In the house of the living God.

For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge or the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a fearful expectation of judgment, and a fury of fire that will consume the adversaries. Anyone who has set aside the law of Moses dies without mercy on the evidence of two or three witnesses. How much worse punishment, do you think, will be served by the one who has trampled underfoot the Son of God, and has profaned the blood of the convenient by which he was sanctified, and has outraged the Spirit of grace? For we know him who said, 'Vengeance is mine; I will repay.' And again, 'The Lord will judge his people.' it is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. 

But recall the former days when, after you were enlightened, you endured a hard struggle with sufferings, sometimes being publicly exposed to reproach and affliction, and sometimes being partners with those so treated…Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised. 

And so my heart smote me. Lord, forgive my distraction and my worship of the god of preference and position.
Don't you see?
The moment we stop to consider how the person will take the message of the living God, is the moment that we fall into the sin of idol worship. I'm not being extreme here- this is Biblical. Who are we to be the respecter of persons? Who are we to turn the house of the Lord into a house of preference, our services into an act of religious dignity, our spirituality into the very Pharisee that we condemn in one breath and copy in the next? We have profaned His name, His house, and His people.

Leaders, join me on my knees- repenting for the way we have lead His people astray in our attempts to make Christianity and church more comfortable and user- friendly! Join me in a movement to call His people back to humble worship of God- eyes on Him, ears tuned only to Him. Join me in calling sin, sin. Join me returning to the God of the Old Testament who lead his people through the wilderness, exile, and the land flowing with milk and honey. The God of the New Testament who not only sent His Son to fulfill prophecy, train up disciples (leaders), give His life and raise it up again that we experience fullness of salvation, but also sent a Helper- to guide us, convict us, and lead us. Join me as we return to the Scripture for our definition of church and leadership. Join me in the Scriptures, before the living God, praying for wisdom and courage and discernment.

Stand up for the living God. Call to remembrance the day when He called your name out of the darkness and brought you into life. Return to the Him, my dear Leader. Return and worship. For it is only when we worship the living God, that we can lead as only He knows how.

Homesick?

The cicadas mechanical hum fills every ounce of the heavy air around me. The sun drifts higher and higher in the sky and the occasional sun shower brings just enough moisture to the ground to make it difficult to breathe in the damp, dusty air. Big drops of sweat form as I sit and eat a bowl of noodles trickle down my nose and catch them just before they land in my dinner. We walk from house to bus, bus to shop, to bus to house, and out again. The methodical days move by in a sluggish daze and I know, this is summer.
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My timelines on Facebook and WeChat fill with pictures, posts, and stories of summer. The lazy days  on the island, the cool summer drinks, the advertisements for National Flip Flop Day, half-price milkshakes at Sonic and 3 dollar gelatos at Rita's. I see the signature sweet tea cup from McDonald's and can almost smell the hot wings in the oven, macaroni and cheese on the stove and warm chocolate chip cookies cooling on the counter. The occasional sun showers in Xiamen remind me so much of daily  showers we would get in Lehigh. The mechanical hum of cicadas brings me immediately to my room on the south side of our house, and the humidity hangs just low enough to remind me of sultry games of basketball on the street outside my house.
I want my Mother's Pasta Fagioli (Regardless of how hot it is outside) in a big bowl on the couch in front of Wheel of Fortune. I want to drive to Sun Harvest for a Key Lime/Chocolate Twist ice cream and drink some of the best lemonade you've ever had. I want to go to the fish market with my Dad to get a fresh grouper sandwich with seasoned thick fries in a paper bag and a massive Styrofoam cup of sweet tea. I want to go by the deserted soccer fields and play a game of pick up with whoever happens to be there that night.
I find myself desperately missing summer in America.
………..

I torment myself with the memories of what was and almost forget to embrace the what is.
I used to hate the heavy air of Southwest Florida, the mosquitos, the heat, the monotony of life. Filling time with going on an evening outing to Kohls or Bed-Bath-And BEYOND got tiresome to me. When the biggest thing that happened was when you noticed your neighbors actually cleaned out their back yard…but now that all of that is so far away, I want nothing more than to embrace it all again. Like an old, familiar friend, embrace it and spend as much time as I can there.

So I have to ask myself. What is it about this life I now lead that I will miss whenever I leave it? This is the art of remembering to embrace wherever you are in life. Always remembering that your situation will never be forever, no matter how long it seems, and one day, you will miss the hair sticking to your forehead, not because you're sweating yet, but because of the sheer heavy moisture in the air… One day, you will miss trips to Bingo to get the Mangua Yizu zhi Bing Xia (fresh mango smoothie with coconut milk). Just as much as you miss the Pinapple, Mango, Coconut Gelato with vanilla yogurt from  Rita's or the Cherry Limade from Sonic. One day you will miss the 45 minute drive home through the country and yet you will miss the 45 minute bus ride it takes to go 12 city blocks.

The point is, we never know how to appreciate what we've been given until we realize it's gone. After the celebration of what we call "freedom", we find ourselves melancholy for what was. So break the cycle! Embrace today. It's all you get today!
Embrace today and eat something you won't regret not eating, tomorrow. :)

Update

Wellll, Summer's here!! And so the sultry Xiamen days continue. The entrance of summer brought a move to a new part of town and many new, un-had adventures.

School finished suddenly with my head English teacher me telling me last Friday, that it was to be my last day teaching for the semester. I was quite surprised, but as finals were rapidly approaching, I knew my days were numbered- I just didn't know how numbered. :P
I was incredibly sad to leave my 800 students without so much as a goodbye, but I will be able to go back and speak to each class after finals and give them my "Jai you" speech as well as get some final class pictures. (stay tuned for those! :)

I will be teaching a summer camp for a week in July for all of the teacher's kids who want to attend an English camp. I will be the only teacher for the week, but contrary to the 50 students per class I had all year, I will only have 15 students all week! I'm excited for the smaller numbers and anticipate watching Daddy do something cool with these kids. :)

Unfortunately, I will not be going to the USA this summer as finances and scheduling did not allow it, but lately my heart has been yearning to go for a long walk in a field, a long ride in an orange grove and a good meal at Rib City. While I will not get any of these experiences here this summer, I know that He has something much more exciting planned here.

Like I mentioned earlier, my roommate and I recently moved away from our home for 2 years to the other side of the island. The rent was sky rocketing as many foreigners and tourists were flocking to that area and it was no longer a practical place for us. The area we moved to is much more quiet and friendly. We are already making new contacts and friends and really sense a peace and assurance with the decision to move. We readily see His blessing in this move and are excited to continue watching Him work in new ways! I am also excited to continue exploring the new area. We are only a block away from the beach and got our first typhoon to welcome my first days of summer. Only a Florida girl could really enjoy something like that! :P

With the new move came many expenses. In China it is customary to pay rent by the year or in 3 month increments. This plus a one month extra deposit has brought it's financial difficulties. Please pray with me that Daddy will continue to provide as he always has. I confess my faith has been greatly tested recently with regards to finances, but something keeps me holding strong that my God will never forsake me and always provides for what He orders.

Also please remember us as we are meeting many new people, that Daddy's light and love would not return void- as he so wondrously promised! Already, I sense that he has a grand plan for us in this new place and I am so excited to be a part of it!

I have re-signed for another year at my middle school for next year and have been informed that I will not be able to move up with my class of 800, but will have another 800 new students next year in 7th grade. I am sad, not to be with my co-teachers from this year or my beloved students, but am honored that I have been given the opportunity to teach 800 new students.


Looking forward to the summer months and a less hectic work schedule as well as some sun time and juicy summer fruit. I'm starting the P-90X Extreme Yoga program soon in my living room, so that should give me something to do this summer! :P
Grace and Peace be with you always!
=)

Single and Living Overseas

"Wow, you girls have been here 3 years, that is to be admired! That's so amazing, I don't know if I could imagine being here by myself like that..."
…………..

…Says a friend's husband to my roommate and I. He was graciously helping us with our Apple products yesterday. Two cracked screens, a fried hard drive, and a new phone. We've had it over our eyeballs with dishonest computer and phone distributers here and I'm on phone #4 in one year- NOT because I've broken, lost, or water damaged them all. Quite frankly, I'm sick and tired of dealing in broken Chinese with some 30-something year old dude who sees Laowei (foreigner) and wants to make a few extra bucks off them. I am at their mercy. I can only hope and believe when they tell me I'm getting a real HTC….or Samsung….or the other phone that I don't remember it's brand name…only to have it stop working 3 months later. But yesterday, mercy came to us- in the form of a friend's husband who graciously spent his entire afternoon going up and down low floor and high floor elevators, stairs in between, up and down, and different buildings, to help us get to the right people. Honest people. All the while coming back to, "I just think it's really amazing that you girls can do this, it's just so amazing." 

A couple hours pass and one screen is on order, the other one being replaced, no new phone, and decisions about how data from a hard drive should be extracted. Jim starts talking about how when one thing happens, it seems to cause a domino effect. "It's just one thing after another, you know?" He then went on to tell us how the week he was in Macau on business, everything seemed to go wrong at home and his wife was left to deal with it and how badly he felt he wasn't there to take care of it for her.  As he talks, I remember: This guy is American, grew up in Taiwan, speaks fluent Chinese, first came to China the year I was born, and moved here with his family a decade ago, and he still thinks living here is a challenge. The challenges I try so hard to shrug off as everyday inconveniences he classifies as straight up frustrating challenges. Suddenly I feel so much better for the amount of stress I carry sometimes. Trying to find a new apartment, looking for a good, real phone, the electric bill coming in way higher than it should, the washing machine breaking, rust in the tub, humidity making it virtually impossible to dry clothes, the faucet shooting water out of the kitchen sink and soaking both operator and kitchen. Stress. The stress I wake up to on a daily basis. The stress that has me curled up in a ball on my bed some evenings, just trying to escape life overseas…and then he says it, "I just wish I was there when it happened to take care of it, but I can deal with some of it when I get back." When it hits me, not in a discontented, envious, or malicious sort of way, but it hits me, "She gets someone to take care of all this stuff with and for her. She has someone coming back who will provide and protect her from the wiles of cultural differences. She gets someone who will call the landlord to fix the dryer she gets, or decide what to do about the dog when it gets a growth on it's ear. She has that security, that convenience. And again, almost a relief floods me. If married couples, one growing up in Taiwan, and one in South America, consider these circumstances challenging, how much more challenging is it to a single, not-yet-fluent-in-Chinese American, grown-in-America girl? I'm told I'm not a normal overseas-American and that I adapt and assimilate well, but there are some things where you just can't take the America out of the girl!

I feel sad, yet slightly triumphant about the whole ordeal. On the crowded bus home, I try to text a friend about a friend who might be able to get me a new phone and my phone, of course, decides to give me, yet another, Failed message. I retype, condense, resend- crossing my fingers that it will decide to send. I feel battered and worn. It's been a long day, apartment shopping in the morning, Computer City in the afternoon, and buying train tickets in the middle. We can't even buy train tickets without some ordeal! It's a pizza kind of night. Pizza and a movie. Then sleep. 

I'm allowed to feel this way, I tell myself, I'm allowed to feel battered by the day, the stares, the comments, the questions. I begin to process, to wonder why I never felt allowed to let reality sink in quite as it had that day. Defense mechanism, I think, Defense for survival. If I allowed myself to think of just how many frustrating things happen in the space of a day, I'd go crazy. I don't mean get-stuck-at-a-red-light kind of frustrating. I'm talking a couple of men try to talk to you in Chinese at the bus stop and when you refuse to talk back, they begin talking about you and how you don't understand what they're saying and you're a foreigner, blah, blah, blah…I'm talking, the guy assures you that you are buying a real Samsung Galaxy for ALL that money only to realize a few months later you got another lemon. I'm talking it's an ordeal to get the light bulb in the kitchen fixed, or the stove to light when you have company coming for dinner…trying to leave your apartment complex and getting hit by the bicycle built for 2 (or 3 or 4) because there are too many people on the street and literally none of them know how to ride or control a big bike like that. But they laugh because it's funny, cause they're tourists and it's not every day one gets to hit a laowei with a bicycle built for 2, 3, or 4.

But where is grace now? I do a double take and realize I'm retreating. Retreating inside my fortress and slamming the gate shut. Safety, I just need to take cover. Block out all the noise, the stares, the lies, the disrespect. But didn't I just realize and commit to breaking down those walls of protection? How am I supposed to protect myself of life outside my front door if I'm tearing down those walls? How am I supposed to survive, without a protecter and provider of my own in China? I hear it, I hear it creeping in over me. I hear the words, I'm your Protector, Joanna. I provide every good and perfect thing for you. I want you to run to me, my child, like a little girl battered and bruised, run to me and seek shelter and safety. It does not please me to see you pained like this and as a father does not rest until his daughter is avenged, so I will not rest. I will take you and dry your eyes and clean your wounds, but run to me small child of Mine, run to me and I will engulf you with my love and rest.

Shelter, shelter in Jesus. Safety in my Father. Is this what it means to live "safe" with walls down? It doesn't mean we don't get hurt, but it means He binds up our wounds (Psalm 147:3) So then how should I look at this challenge smeared life? So so differently than I have been. It's like I have to relearn how to live, how to walk out the front door- forget that, how to walk into my bathroom which has had a new distinct smell every time I walk in from my new wonderful upstairs neighbors (Granted, the day it smelled like peppermints were all over the place I didn't mind so much.). This is a new way of life and I'm so unfamiliar with it. How do I live with walls down? No more wall of complaint. No more wall of fear. No more wall of hurt. No more wall of frustration. No more wall of singleness. Crash! No more walls! I feel exposed…and scared. I fear that if I do not protect myself that nobody will. I'm afraid I will walk out into this Labor day holiday on the rainy beach and be flattened by a local fish deliverer who could care less whether I was dead or alive. I might vanish, I might be abused- and badly. Fear, hands rugged from building the walls begin to appear out of no where and start repairing the wall. Aiyo! Frustration, these hands appear too- it's like mutiny of my heart! How do I control them? How do I say to them "Enough is enough! Leave the walls down!" A glimmer of hope as I look up and see the deep, fresh green of trees six stories below. The Little Things, I tell myself, it's the little things in life. The gifts. This is where everything starts to come together. We've been reading a book called 1,000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp and it's all about one word: Eucharisteo. Remembering to see all as an act of grace and give thanks.

But how do I see the student lying to my face and defending themselves in Chinese to their teachers who dismiss it and move on as eucharisteo? I wonder. How do I see the tourists invading my introvert bubble as eucharisteo? How do I knock down the walls and demolish them so well that I can finally see clearly through the eyes of Jesus…the eyes of Grace? This is a complete cleansing, a revamping of total way of life, no, total way of thinking. This is a heart and mind renovation. An eye renovation. Once I can give thanks for the challenge, the frustration, those walls can no longer be built. Once I follow my Shepherd to shelter from the storm, the wall of fear for protection can no longer be repaired. The old walls come down and are burned and I can experience the freedom of this life that God has so abundantly given me. I can run and dance and sing in the green pastures because I see them for what they are, and I see the valley of the shadow of death for what it is, just a moment. Just a moment in exchange for the eternal joy- the ultimate purpose in life- Life with the Father.

…And it won't be the last...

"It wasn't my first puddle," said my friend's Mom chuckling, "and it won't be the last, I'm sure." The rest of us looked sympathetically down at her now soaked black Bob's and tried not to think of what was growing in that milky red dirt puddle. Then it hit me,

"How can you really be sure?"

…………………..
Why is it that such seemingly minuscule moments seem to impact me so deeply? When I was in high school my dream was to become a published photographer.  I was going to publish a book, and the title? The Little Things. Throughout high school and into college God awakened my senses to the small every day "gifts" as author Ann Voskamp describes them. I wanted to capture them all with my camera and show the world, because I knew that so many of us walk right past the veins in a leaf so intricately placed, without even stopping to notice their existence. I too, in these last few years started walking right past such miracles and blessings without stopping to think about them- until this weekend. Those last 7 words my friend's mother uttered almost physically stopped me in my tracks.

Suddenly the entire world started spinning. I look around me, there are cars lining the small mountain road and I think, "What if one of them hit me right now?" or "What if we don't make it back to Xiamen tomorrow because of some freak accident?" Neither worry nor fear birthed these questions, but rather the realization that we cannot make the assumption that we know what the next day, let alone the next moment will hold for us!

You would think I, of all people, should know this, as my own Dad was taken home so suddenly my sophomore year in college. And I did know it then, but I never really grasped the goodness of this truth. I viewed the truth through lenses of hurt and fear. You never know what is going to happen, I would tell myself so live life to the fullest and leave no regrets.
And so my life's motto was born:

No regrets

None. No regret in your last interaction with anyone. No regret for what you ate or didn't eat. No regret in buying that things or not buying it (which my Mom tells me gets her into trouble sometimes :). No regret in the choices made, no regret in deed done or left undone. No regret in what was said or left unsaid. No regrets. I don't want to look back on my 20's full of regret (or any stage of life for that matter). I want to live life open-handed and with abandon- this is my goal, yet on that red dirt road in the middle of the Hakka Tulou villages, I realized how tightly I've closed my hands.

What closed them? I wonder. Fear. The word came instantly. Fear has been my teacher and constant companion. Fear of rejection,  fear of the phone ringing and hearing that someone else in my family has been taken suddenly. Fear that I would miss God's best for me, fear that I would lose my family because  my calling and choices have taken me half-way across the planet. Fear that someone might actually mean it when they said they loved me, not because of what I could do for them, but because of how we are truly like "iron sharpening iron". What was the cause for this dominating fear? Hurt. And so I have gone along building up walls of protection with the words No Regrets stamped all over them. Thinking I had done myself a great service, surely I would not regret something I never let myself feel or experience. I would be safe. I could be happy. Hold one, I would tell myself, just hold on a little bit more, they will leave and you will realize, they were just like all the others. But it's okay, because you didn't trust with abandon, so you're safe. It won't hurt as much this time.
Hold on, be strong, in no time you will be stronger from holding on. Just another day of this and then the sun will come out. They will listen to reason and understand…
Leave the conversation till tomorrow and explain it again, then they'll get it…
I'm missing something. The hurt strangles my joy and I realize I have a fortress. The temporary surge walls I've built around my heart, I realize are not just surge walls, but thick walls. Walls that keep me from seeing the white circle just inside the big brown circle on the wing of the white butterflies that have just recently emerged from Spring.  Walls that let me say things like, "I'll have tomorrow to fix that." "I've been hurt before and it certainly won't be the last time so get ready for the storm, look for the storm, protect yourself for the storm." Walls that shut the Light out in the name of holding on to truth. My self-proclaimed truth. Walls that keep Truth Himself out.

I've spent most of my life "filling in the blanks" for God. He allows us to live in some realm of mystery in that He has our days numbered and written down in His book, but we have yet to live them. We don't know the end, we don't even know the whole story- yet sometimes we fill in the blanks so that we can maintain some sort of control over our circumstances, or at least our reactions. But again, in filling in the blanks, we determine our own destiny. We determine our will is better than God's. We take our life into our own hands and proclaim our own wisdom and sovereignty to steer our lives. Such a life is foolishness! What is that verse from the New Testament?

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.  James 4:13-17

So I've grown up hearing. Yet how much of my life is really lived through this lens? The lens of Scripture: the lens of today, no tomorrow. My Redeemer lives and redeems my days and my hurts and fears, thank God. Thank God my Redeemer lives! But it's time to trade our sorrows, Christian. It's time to trade our sorrows for the joy of the Lord! Lay it down. Lay down the fear that keeps you holding on to your life,

For whoever whats to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for my sake, will find it.   Matthew 16:25

Find your life, my dear friend, find it in Him. This is where freedom is. There is no fear where the Spirit of the Lord is. No malice, envy, jealousy, pride, or hurt. There is no room for such attitudes or characteristics. We call ourselves Christian, yet keep the good fruits locked up in our fortresses to rot. Today is the day to break down the walls and open the orchards of good fruit to all we meet. Let them taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh how would our churches change if we all opened ourselves to each other to taste and see that the Lord is good. He inhabits the very soul and being of His disciples. We can hoard or we can share. What will your response be?

Gladly Would I Leave Behind Me

 Gladly would I leave behind me all the pleasures I have known to pursue surpassing treasures at the throne of God the Son. Worthy of unending worship, love and loveliness is He. By His precious death were millions from the jaws of death set free.

 Gladly would I give to Jesus all affection, everything- for the washing of His mercy makes my ransomed heart to sing. Holy, Holy, is the chorus rising up from those who see Christ exalted, bright and burning, full of power and purity.
……………………….
My heart is sad as I write this post. For several reasons.

I just bought the new album From Age to Age by Sovereign Grace Music- great stuff- I've had the second half of the album (starting at Glorious Christ) on repeat for most of the day. My heart has been refreshed, reminded, and renewed in hope. The last two days I've found myself on the verge of tears out of sheer awe and humility before the sight of such a holy God's love for me and awesome power. I find myself almost contemplating skipping my next class to sit with Him, lost in worship, not wanting anything to pull me out- just to stay there, in awe, speechless, completely unable to express with words what I feel in my heart of gratitude, love, and utter humility before God.

This morning though, as I walked to school with my bag of niu rou bao and cha ji dan swinging in one hand and travel mug of steaming hot Dunkin Donuts (brewed at home) in the other, my heart felt heavy. The song Gladly Would I Leave Behind Me came on. My initial response was, "Of course, Lord, You know I would gladly give you whatever You ask- we've had this conversation so many times, You know my heart!" But something caused me to start the song over again and really process each word and the gravity of singing such words to a righteous God.

I began to think about the last five years or so (Mostly the last two, but I did some comparing to past years). I thought about my life in China, how I so gladly gave up a familiar country, culture, language, and daily culinary experiences to move to a foreign country, and culture to learn a difficult language, and not get the special favorite foods that I crave sometimes on a daily basis. I gave up a lot to be where I am at today; I should be able to sing this song with gusto- at least more heart-felt than the average American Christian- after all, I haven't just sung it, I've done it in a very real way.

As I listened again, this time more critically and purposefully, I felt tears welling up in my eyes. This time the tears weren't because of adoration, they were tears of knowing just how much more I have to let go of. Yes, I would gladly pursue the surpassing treasures at the throne of God, and yes, my heart screams out, "Holy, holy, holy, are You, Lord, God Almighty!" Over and over again it sings and cries out, unable to sing loud enough, unable to express fully how much honor and glory is due His name. The chorus goes on:

Where else can I go? Jesus, You're the One that I was made to know. What else can I do? Jesus, You're my all I gladly run to.

My instantaneous response to hear these words was, "How can we ask that as though our hearts aren't tempted to run away from the sacrifice at every step or corner!" My heart sank as I thought of the many places and things I could go to or do that would prove my words vain and meaningless.

The third verse says:

Gladly would I flee temptations for their troubles fill my life. Turn and seek my gladdened Savior for His goodness satisfies. Earthly treasures all are passing, thieves break in and rust destroys, but in God are awesome splendor, love and lasting joys

Yes, we know this. Many of us have grown up on these words. "Moth and rust decay the earthly treasures, lay up for yourselves treasure in heaven", yet we live for earthly pleasures. Though we don't call them this, we live for family, job, financial stability, social status, acceptance, and approval. Gladly would I flee temptations, really? Would you really flee temptation? What if that temptation came in the form of your family? Would you flee them? Would you be able to turn your back if God said, "Come away with me to an unfamiliar land that I will show you." Without even knowing your destination, could you say to them, "I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm going to do when I get there, but I have to leave you all now, I love you, but I can't stay here." Would you flee temptation if it was someone in your family saying those words to you? Could you let them go? Would you flee temptation if it came in the form of financial stability in a new job that promised a stable paycheck and good hours, but caused your relationships to suffer? Would you flee temptation if it came in the form of hearing your family give their blessing on your life, choice of spouse, job, or country of residence?

Gladly would I give to Jesus all affection. Even the affection you desire to have towards a spouse (someday for me!) or child (again, we all know this…someday, someday…)? Would you give Him a few extra minutes in a day? Would you give up your soft bed and a good night's sleep if that was your affection?  Would you sacrifice the comforts of a modern home without complaint if it meant bending over so you cooked, every night, hunched over in a way that caused your back to cramp? What if it meant taking a bus instead of a taxi to work- would you give it up, or would your friends have to say they wished you would take the taxi so you stopped complaining about the inconvenience?

Gladly would I leave behind me all the pleasures I have known.  Really? Leave behind? Not looking back, lest you, like Lot's wife, become crippled by your affection for what you were leaving. Leave behind the comfortable sleeping schedule, the free weekends to go shopping for clothes, jewelry, electronics, or appliances that aren't really needed? Leave behind the traditional church services to pursue passionate, real-life, transparent times of worship and confession with people we aren't afraid to share our hearts with? Could you really do that?

So, Where else could we go? We go to Kohls to stock up on some inexpensive, but still trendy, pretty good quality pieces that we'll just end up replacing in a few months- excusing the excessive spending by reminding ourselves that we always send our old clothes to the orphans in Haiti or the Dominican Republic. Has it ever crossed our minds to go to Kohls to buy the orphans in Haiti or the DR the inexpensive, but still trendy, pretty good quality pieces?

Where do we go? To church where we can look good to our fellow Christians by singing, lifting our hands in worship and maybe even shedding a few tears during the music, adding a few head nods and amens throughout the sermon, and taking impeccable notes that we'll never actually read again, because it proves to everyone around us that we are paying attention in church and value what we're hearing. We ask, "How are you doing, sister, I mean really?" and find our minds wondering to what we'll eat for lunch after we leave, or run through our to-do list for the week, while our brother or sister actually starts to pour out a little bit of their hearts. We warmly tell them, "I'll be praying for you in that situation" and walk away wondering what it was we were supposed to be praying for. Our appearance impeccable, but our hearts holding on to the familiar, fear gripping at every corner if we stepped out of our comfort zone.

What else could we do? Fill our days with extra classes and pursue further education because, "Society demands it these days, you can't get a job anymore without a Master's degree!" Fill our free moments by catching up on our favorite TV series' because, "I finally have 'me' time". We join or single's or married couple's groups, because it's nice to be around people our age and time of life, forgetting that we could have an invaluable impact on someone outside of "our group". Our conversations are filled with, "what happened at work this week" stories, and "did you see that Packer's game Saturday night? I can't believe that ref recalled that final touchdown for an offsides call, he wasn't even close!" (I use the Packers because they really are the only NFL team worth mentioning. :P ). Yet, we don't consider talking about the nitty gritty of the struggles or temptations we faced that week. We don't just sit in awe and wonder of our Creator.

Now, I by no means want to clump all professing believers together to label them as insincere. I do not believe that every person that has ever asked me how I was really doing, checked out 5 seconds into the conversation and really didn't care- on the contrary, I have been greatly blessed by the body of Christ and have felt the warmth and sincerity or those truly committed to Christ and furthering the kingdom. The last thing that I want is for this blog to make it seem that I have a seared view of Christians or harbor bitterness to any situations that I have been in or observed around me. Again, I have been blessed to be exposed to some really solid churches and people.

I began this post by saying, "My heart is sad". It's sad because I know my own struggles to remain faithful to God. I know my own weaknesses and the vivacity in which I sing songs like, Gladly Would I Leave Behind Me, and walk away feeling good about my recommitment and worship to God, but missing the question that Jesus is really asking. He doesn't want my words, He doesn't want my sincerest musical offering. He wants my heart, and as long as I am enamored with the things that will not pass with me into eternity, He does not have the whole thing.

So ask with me, "Will it pass into eternity?" As a friend and mentor recently reminded me, not even marriage passes with us into eternity- not even your spouse will pass on with you! How much better could our time be spent? What would truly full surrender look like?

As long as I am enamored with the things that will not pass with me into eternity, He does not have the whole thing.

 Oh Abba, that I would give up those earthly things that so easily enamor and distract from You. For You are worthy of all praise and all my heart! That I not look back, wishing for the comforts of my world, but step by step, eyes forward, walk in faith, hand in hand with You until we reach the Promised Land.

A Whirlwind of a Trip

Warm winds, blue skies, clear sunshine, fresh air, white beaches, and green mountains…summer in the middle of winter <3
…………………….
So a quick update as to how my recent trip to Thailand went. First, I have to give you the background of the whole thing:

I received an invitation to help run a children's program at a conference in Thailand back in October. I really wanted to go, but I really didn't see how I could afford the trip as I'm still paying back my trip to the States from last summer. However, I started praying about it- asking that if the Lord wanted me to go, He would provide for it.  November came around and I still hadn't committed fully to going for fear that I wouldn't have the funds. A friend came to me near the middle of November and stated that they were going to pay for my trip to Thailand. At first I said, "Absolutely not"….and they assured me I would come around and be able to accept the gift. As I pondered whether or not to accept such an extravagant gift, the Lord reminded me that I had been praying for such a miracle.
………………………
Three months later…

I was so happy to be leaving the cold, polluted Xiamen air. We got into Macau around 9pm and made our way to our hotel for the night- our flight had been changed and we had an overnight layover +6 hrs the next day, so we planned to sleep late and explore the next day- which we did. It was a super laid back day, but good as our last week in Xiamen was a bit tense.
Flew into Bangkok the following evening and, upon arrival of our second hotel, went out in search of mango sticky rice and pad thai. Which we found and devoured. It was so. good. We met up with our team the following morning to leave for the conference we were volunteering at.

Four hours later, I was stunned to be in a five star resort that had a massive swimming pool (complete with water slide and a waterfall) and we jumped into team meetings. This place was absolutely gorgeous! The air fresh, the skies a flawless blue, and the greens richer than I remember ever seeing before. It was heaven in winter. The first meeting/mixer was a bit rough, but dinner made up for the stress of figuring out logistics. The food at the place, oh my, the food was just too good. I can't even think of a word for how good this food was. Meal times, though normally a highlight of my day, became almost a sole event of the day. I almost lived for those meals. (I think I gained weight while there…. :)

The following day, we dove in head first to the kids program. I had the privilege of working with 8-9 beautiful, intelligent 7-11 year old foreign children (aka Not Asian). Over the course of the week I was able to build relationships with these kids who are living all over Asia with their families. It was a privilege and a joy to see how God used this week to encourage and build them up. Over all, though a bit exhausting, running around with 7-11 year olds, it was a blast! There were only two afternoons that we had to run a program so the remaining afternoons were spent by the pool catching a few rays, or taking a day trip into the neighboring city of Hua Hin. Over all though, God really used this week to speak to me about repentance, redemption, surrender, leadership, and courage. I will expound more on these points in later blogs- I don't want to overwhelm ya'll in this one… :)

We left the resort one week after arriving and drove back to Bangkok. After a terrifying set of taxi rides, we made it to the main market street and bought our bus tickets down to Koh Samui and did some, what I call, blitz shopping (aka running into a stall and bargaining and purchasing something in less than 5 minutes). After a very long overnight bus to Surathani, we waited for 2 hours for the bus to the ferry where we had a 1 and a half hour ferry to the island.

The waters of Koh Samui were simply stunning, varying between an emerald green and turquoise blue. It was incredibly hot as the sun is so intense that close to the equator, but it felt good. Especially on winter skin.
I never remember just how much of a Florida girl I am until I'm deprived of four main key items: Alligator jerky, Key Lime anything, sun, and beaches. When I don't have access to these, I am not a happy camper. Koh Samui gave me two of those fore necessities, so I was pretty happy…about as happy as a camel in a drought!

Sunday afternoon after arriving, and Monday were spent in the sun on the beach, eating green curry at a beachside restaurant, and freshly grilled corn on the cob, chicken, prawns, and spring rolls from a beach vendor. So good.

Tuesday we went on a sea safari, which was basically amazing. It consisted of a 1 hour boat ride to Anthong National Park (a group of islands in the Gulf of Thailand) to go snorkeling, hiking to a green lagoon, kayaking, relaxing on a beach, eating lunch, sight-seeing from the boat, and back to the main island for a short elephant ride. An absolute experience of a life time! (Also more on some of these adventures later)

Wednesday was a half beach day, half motorbike/cooking class day. I had the unique opportunity to take a cooking class at the Samui Institute of Thai Culinary Arts! It was definitely an awesome experience. I got to experiment with some native Thai ingredients and cooked three dishes: Green Curry with Chicken, Chicken Pad Thai, and Coconut Lime Chicken Soup. All of which were simply amazing. Especially the soup- I was kind of surprised by how savory it was!

Thursday we got up super early (aka 4:30am) to taxi back to the ferry to the bus, to the taxi, to the train station, to Bangkok. We got adventurous and took a train for the first time in Thailand- I've had bad experiences with every bus in Thailand so far, so Ray and I decided to see if taking a train would be a little less traumatizing- it was. It was wonderful, and we got to see so much more of the Thai countryside as we were traveling during the day and were not confined to a highway. It was definitely a good experience.

We flew out of Bangkok around 3 am, only to arrive exhausted back in Macau for another 8 hour layover. After getting kicked out of baggage claim (after mean lady number 3 woke us up), we went to the Hard Rock Hotel in hopes of finding breakfast. Apparently Macau does not believe in breakfast because we could only find one place that served breakfast. And boy was it worth every Macau Pataca it cost! There was an omelet station, rosemary and sausage roasted potatoes, smoked ham, three different international cheeses, blueberry and cheese brioche, cinnamon brioche, about 6 different types of bread, coffee, tea, grapefruit juice, cranberry juice, cereal, fruit, unlimited tea and coffee (and that was only the western side of the buffet…. (and they gave us clean cutlery half way through the meal!!!!!) Over all, it was a little much needed, well deserved pampering after being up almost all night traveling. We explored the historic sights of Macau for the rest of the day and enjoyed one last western meal before heading to the airport to return to Xiamen…..only to have our flight delayed.

No worries, a few hours later I found myself all snuggled up in my Xiamen bed. No movement, no bumps, no headlights in my eyes, no turbulence, no mean ladies to wake me up. =)

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

"That's just the way it is, Joanna, you chose to move to China and to those of us still in the States, it's out of sight, out of mind."
…………………..
The first time I heard these words they stung so unbelievably badly I wasn't sure if I could handle the implications. Having lived overseas in China for two years now, I've actually gotten almost used to hearing the expression.

Feeling displaced in a foreign country and learning to cope and live in a new culture with new people and learn a new language, it would be so much more simple for me to take the easy road and return back to America as quickly as I came. However, I have not been called to live in America for this stage of my life, I have been called to China. I know I must stay, regardless the cost.

As I mull over recent conversations with friends and family in the States, I can't shake the expression:

Out of sight, out of mind.

I hear it over and over again in my head, "Why won't it go away??" I ask myself. The more I think about it, the more I wonder how many times this has been my approach to God.

Out of sight, out of mind.

When it's obvious that God is working, or I see Him saving the multitudes, or I see hundreds of campers responding to an invitation, it's easy to think, "Wow, God is so awesome!" When I am on a boat in the Gulf of Thailand speechless because of the beauty in front of me and think to myself, "And my God is so much more beautiful than all I see!" I can sit through a worship service and be awed by the power of my great God, and I can hear God speaking clearly through His word or in a powerful message at a conference.

But when all that is over, when all is said and done, do I sit in my room in the silence, when no on is around and think, "Wow, my God is so awesome, so beautiful, so powerful, so worthy of my praise"?

More often than not, when I am alone in the afternoons after a full morning of classes, I find myself despairing. Despairing over a lack of communication with those I love, despairing over a word that should have gone unsaid, or deed that I refused to do out of stubborn selfishness that should have been done. Despairing over my pathetic lack of faith in many situations, and despairing of hope that I will ever not have to teach for a living or have a family of my own some day. Somewhere in those afternoons, my focus changed. My eyes shifted and my sight was not fixed on the prize. My eyes were no longer on God and His beauty, but rather the facts of life around me.

There was a shift from Truth to fact. I allowed my reality to be dictated by the circumstances around me rather than asking Truth what He wanted me to learn about Him through the situations. When I looked away from Truth, I forgot Truth. When I forgot Truth, I despaired. In an instant, I went from praising to mourning. Truth got smaller and I got bigger- so did the circumstances.

For even a moment, He became out of sight, out of mind

How tragic! How tragic it is that we can lose focus of our Redeemer, Savior, and Friend! How tragic that we could forget about our God, the Creator the Universe! How tragic that our one true Companion and Father could be invisible to us in just a moment! One moment of letting our guards down, one moment of thinking that we can stand on our own, one moment of wanting rest from the struggle… In one moment He becomes out of sight, out of mind.

Even as I write this, tears come to my eyes. I have felt the sting of the reality of this phrase and I have learned how to be seen. I have experienced the beauty of being seen and accepted, I have felt the warmth of pure love overflowing in the body of Christ and experienced sweet fellowship with those I am proud to call family. But I have had to work for it. It has not been easy, it's a journey- trial and error and more times than not I am afraid I am closer to the error side of things than the positive. But Jesus already did the work to be seen. He already came, He's already made Himself known. He's put out the greatest effort there has ever been to get our attention! And yet, still, in a moment we find Him,

Out of sight, out of mind

Oh that we would fix our eyes on Jesus, never wavering. With our shield of faith always protecting against the arrows of the evil one. That we would brandish our swords of truth with boldness to fight off our enemy and clear all the rubble and brush out of the way to have a clear view of the One who gave His life that we might glorify Him forever! So we might never be able to say His beauty, His face, His glory, His majesty, His love, His conviction, His Spirit could or would ever be

Out of sight, out of mind.

Just Another Night...

After more than two years in China and trips to 6 countries, I thought I was pretty prepared for pretty much anything that I might see around town…
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So it was after 8pm and I was hungry, my roommate was hungry, and I was craving barbecued eggplant. The do this wonderful thing where the stick a whole eggplant on the grill and just smoke the living daylights out of it. Turning it every few minutes, brushing on seasonings and oil, and after it looks like it's dead, they slice it open and smother it with more seasonings and heaps of garlic. Then they give it to you and you die of scrumptiousness. (I don't even know if that's possible, but for the sake of you realizing how amazing this is, let's say it's possible.)

We decided to go down to the old fisherman's village turned tourist trap to get the qiezi and decided to walk around for a while to decide what else we wanted to eat. We ended up with Thai green curry and these awesome skewers with bunches of green/red peppers and string mugua (mushrooms that I'll actually eat) wrapped in bacon and smoked over hot rocks and then lightly fried and brushed with sauce and dusted with spice… but in the process of all this had a great walk through the village.

I love walking through that village when it's not overrun by tourists and tonight it was pretty dead (remember that word). Nonetheless, I heard the ear-piercing horn of a motorbike trying to get through the narrow alley. I could feel the contents from the back of the bike within millimeters of brushing my elbow and looked down only to muffle a cry out.
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I had looked down to the back of the bike that literally almost hit my elbow/shoulder bag only to see a pig face glaring back at me. No. Not a pig. Not the whole thing, I would have SO preferred to see the whole pig. I'll even take a pig stepping on my foot over the face of a dead pig (with a little bit of neck skin), complete with tongue sticking out of crooked, nasty, yellowed teeth. I stopped and stared for a minute as the driver proceeded into a crowed and almost hit a couple other people and heard cries of "Gamahh!" and "Whaa!". I was glad I wasn't the only one recovering from a small dose of shock at the face. Pretty sure I'm going to see that face in a nightmare or something tonight.

That one I was NOT prepared for.
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We're walking home and I look up to see this creepy, well-dressed vendor lady standing there raising her eyebrow at me like she wants me to come buy something. Something about feeling like a woman is flirting with you, though, kind of turns you off from buying anything from them.

We turned the corner onto a dark back road and I kept looking over my shoulder to make sure that she wasn't following us or sending someone to follow us. A bike rider went by, talking loudly into his hands-free phone. We turned onto the next deserted, but more well-lit street only to have a van stop by us. Like the kind where you get ready to run or fight because it's just creepy? So my roommate is staring/glaring at this van as we walk on (mind you, the driver is paying us NO attention), when I look over and a black car is passing us, repeatedly opening and closing a door- while driving… That was the point where I gave up feeling like there was a shred of normalcy in the evening out. (Amazed that it took that long?)
There are nights where everything you see can only be summed up with one word: bizarre.

Aanndd such is the life of living in China. Where any given thing can happen at any given time and it's okay. It doesn't have to have a reason, it just is.

So, pig face fresh in my mind, I sign off to have sweet dreams of piglets growing up to be butchered and paraded around town on the back of a motorbike…Sweet dreams, my fellow sojourners, sweet dreams.

I'm Obsessed!!!! (The Prologue)

Apparently I could not just leave it at I'm Obsessed!!!! (Part 2)… So here is how He has been stirring since the initial kindling of flame in my head and heart.
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Well, another month later, He still has me at it- pondering what a Christ-driven life looks like. You know what they say, a lot can happen in a month! And, as always in China, a lot has happened.

It really doesn't matter how you look at it, either something is up with work or VISAs or friends or family- it seems there is always some dramatic shift happening in my life.  Such as it is when you surrender to the workings of the Almighty One in China…He makes sure there is never a dull moment. That kind of takes me to my point this post.

Once we give up our obsessions, what do we have left? When we no longer have a dream or goal to work towards and to stay up at night planning for, what's the point? Where's the destination? If I don't have a plan, how do I do…well…anything?

As much as I hate to plan what I'm going to do on a given day- especially when I'm on a break or vacation, I've learned that I'm totally lost if I don't have some sort of plan cooked up. I attribute my superb plan-making skills to my mother who was a list queen. Lists for everything: Weekly menus, Wal-mart lists, Lehigh lists, Ft. Myers lists, Ada's lists, mall lists, cleaning lists, packing lists- sometimes the lists were in categories of one list! For instance a Shopping List: might include three or four of the above mentioned lists, categorized and underlined! My mom is an insanely organized woman- which I totally respect and credit for my well-put-together-catagorized-color-coded life. She would tell you, if you asked, that all the lists was just to make sure she didn't forget anything, but I think it's just that she likes order and found a way to accomplish that and maximize her time to reach her fullest productivity levels in a given day- another thing I admire.

I am totally fine with a well-put-together-catagorized-color-coded life, but it seems that Someone else has called me to something more than that. Doesn't He call us all to more than that? But what? What, if not the most informed, well thought out plans to serve Him does He want from us?

Now great crowds accompanied Him and He turned to them and said, If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear His own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple.                   Luke 14:25-27

These verses have haunted me since my junior year in high school when I first realized the implications that Jesus makes here. I tried so hard to find a way around them, I made excuses, I said it was impractical, I said it was more or a pictorial image than a reality. While I don't ask for revelations about my future and how things will work together, at least let me be secure in my family.  And still I read things like,

"Paul, a bondservant of Jesus Christ…"

"Paul and Timothy, bondservants of Jesus Christ…"

 "James, a bondservant of Jesus Christ…."

"Jude, a bondservant of Jesus Christ…" 

What is a bondservant and why am I so stuck on this term? I believe 100% that it carries the key to purpose in our lives. I think it's the missing link for Christians who are burnt out, questioning why, looking for purpose, feeling useless or unappreciated, and despairing.

"bond·serv·ant

ˈbändˌsərvənt/

noun

noun: bondservant; plural noun: bondservants; noun: bond-servant; plural noun:bond-servants

1. 1.

   a person bound in service without wages.

   • a slave or serf.

       

Are you willing to believe the implications of this definition? It's actually the kindest one out there…the least details and most straight forward. The other definitions included, "With no regard to personal desires or cares". Imagine a world where we didn't life according to our own whims and desires. Imagine a world where we literally gave up whatever, whenever. What if we took away the Phone a Friend or Ask the Audience options in life. What if we went straight to God with our questions instead of our trusted counselors, pastors, and family members? Don't get me wrong, there is wisdom in council- Proverbs says so. I have counselors and mentors that I respect greatly and do go to for council and drink in their God-given wisdom. I'm not knocking that.

My point is, our lives have not been given to us so that we can make a great plan that makes everyone around us happy. Our lives aren't always family-friendly, we don't always have an answer when people ask, "So what's next?" or "Do you want to get married eventually?" or "Do you ever plan to go back to the States?"
No, once we've made the decision to follow Christ- we choose to become slaves for life- we give up all rights and desires. We give up the authority we thought we once had on all our decisions. Quite frankly, it really doesn't matter what our preferences are, what we want, what we aspired to be. We give all that up at the moment we say, "I choose You to be my Master, I want to be safe in Your employment".

So why are we discontent and frustrated today, Christians? Because we are still trying to run the show. We are clinging on to the authority that we already gave away. We are deceitfully going out and living the double life while under employment of the Master.

The secret to a life of freedom? Bondage.

Bondage to the One Who makes all things new. Bondage to the One Who sets the captives free and breaks the chains that enslave us to self and death. Bondage to the One Who gives freely and only asks for our loyalty and sincerity of heart. Would such devotion be too much to give the One Who gave all? How much more proof of His love do we need before we realize His trustworthiness and truly abandon our evil ways and hold fast to His security and conform to His standards?

How much, indeed.