Immer Krank

I've heard it said a thousand times before, "Missionaries get sick more than anyone else, even other expats, don't be discouraged!"
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No matter how many times I've heard it, it doesn't change the fact that every time someone back home asks how I'm feeling and I have to text back, 'I'm great! Just a bit sick right now, but otherwise I'm doing really well!" Everything in me sinks.

Here I am again, on New Year's Eve, sick in bed.

Whether it be the change in climate, humidity, temperature, germs around me, lifestyle, bacteria, etc. I really don't care. The facts remain, my peppermint tea supply is getting low, my essential oils are almost out again, and I'm going through German "Sick tea" like it's water: I'm really tired of getting sick! I used to have an iron immune system- I never got sick.  I thought living through China would only strengthen it to titanium. Unfortunately it seems that apparently my immune system broke while there. Depressing, frustrating, and condemning. (Yes, Condemning. Ask any chronically ill person if they feel condemned). While I am not chronically ill, I have taken a new, more grace soaked attitude towards the chronically ill- I have the utmost respect for anyone who can be sick more than they are well and still manage a smile.

Anyways, I got off track a little... I recently finished Practicing the Presence of God and in it Brother Lawrence counsels his friend that he does not wish his friend would get better, but that he would embrace the time that he was ill as a time when God was saying, "I want to be near to you." This perspective shift has done me worlds of good! I figure, if Ive been sick this much, God must really love to spend one-on-one time with me! If only I was so intentional about spending days (literally days) alone with Him.

As I finish out this doozy of a year, full of change and false expectations, victories and challenges, healing and sickness, I hope I never forget the lesson sprinkled (and by sprinkled, I really mean doused) all over it: God wants me. He wants to be alone with me, He wants to be intimate. He wants to be in my head, He wants to be in my heart.

May 2016 truly be a God-saturated year for us all! Invite Him into the parts of you that you've been keeping away, hidden, at a distance. Lay yourself bare before this holy, but gracious God and Father. As His redeemed, we have nothing to fear! Lay yourself bare and enjoy His warm and comforting embrace. Instead of rejection, may you experience His grace and peace afresh, and run back to Him all the more in the face of turmoil, trial and repentance.

Ending this year in bed, sick. But ending this year in bed, sick, and thankful. Never forget. <3

Happy New Year!

What's Going On....

It's been five months. Five months in a completely different continent, country and culture. Overwhelming, exciting, heartbreaking, and faith-building, these five months have brought me closer to my Savior, broadened my perspective for ministry and grown my patience to whole new levels. So here's a quick recap for you.
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In September I began collaborating and working with a stduent group here in Freiburg called Studentum für Christus (Students for Christ). It's an incredible group who's mission is to teach university students how to impact their world right here and right now for the Gospel's sake. This organization is all over Germany, but the group in Freiburg has only recently been restarted after it died down for a few years. The recent 're-founder' (Whom I will refer to as S for security purposes) is actually an alumni of University Freiburg who actually came to know Jesus through the ministry 10 years ago. It's really incredible to see some of the fruit and gain a broad perspective of the organization and really be able to put a focus and goal on reaching the students in this incredible city! This semester our focus has been Discipleship: What is discipleship and how do we do it? S has been teaching sessions (all in German) about community and discipleship. We have already seen our numbers double since last semester and are confident that this is just the very beginning of what God is planning for this city! It's really cool to watch these young people hear (some for the first time) what God intended for His people and how we ought to live with believers and non-believers alike.

So where do I fit in with SFC?
We (SFC) meet collectively once a week for a time of teaching, musical worship, giving, prayer and fellowship. Then, throughout the weeks we plan several activities together to strengthen the bonds of community and really 'do life' together. This semester has been a really crucial semester as there have been many 'seconds' and 'firsts' for the activities that we planned. I am involved with the organization and planning of the group as a whole, so for those weekly meetings I collaborate with our student leaders to come up with uniques and creative ideas to keep the meetings fresh and relevant to all the students we welcome in. I'm excited to say that when I started working with these precious student leaders(SLs), there were many miscommunications and missed deadlines because there was a lack of intentionality and importance put into the projects. However, with time, patience and wisdom, these same SLs are now completing some of their tasks before the deadlines!
I have also been responsible to head up the planning of several bigger events including a Thanksgiving celebration, our very first weekend retreat this past weekend, Christmas Party, and Christmas outing. I also help with logistics and organization of 'in-office' information, as well as one-on-one meetings with students and planning small group activities. I've also really enjoyed leading worship again for the weekly meetings.

In addition to working with SFC, I have the pleasure of helping the families in my house. When I was still in China (almost exactly one year ago), I had a sister in Christ look at me one night and tell me with the utmost certainty that God was providing a community in Germany for me. I had no idea that He was providing a literal community (house) to live in and interact with on a daily basis! Everyone in the house is a believer and it's such a unique blessing to 'do life' under a microscope, as it were. This atmosphere really cultivates openness and transparency with brothers and sisters as we all seek to please God in all that we say and do. I am able to provide childcare for the five children in the house (usually in groups of two-three :P ) to allow their parents a bit of much needed adult/date time and conversation. As a community we get to share meals together and sometimes a cup of tea or coffee when needed most. It's really such a blessing!

I am also attending German classes five times a week for about three hours a day. I am just LOVING learning this new language and have been told that I am learning quickly- which is always encouraging to hear. I've just begun my second module and have about a month in this module before graduating to the next level (close to fluency level). I've had really great opportunities to share Jesus with my classmates and strangers on the street. Please pray for my classmates and the people God brings into my path. This past Tuesday, at our weekly meeting, I prayed that God would keep us aware of the people He puts in our paths and willing/wanting to give generously and graciously- whether financially, emotionally, spiritually, or in our time. I really believe that every person we come into contact with has been placed there specifically to receive something from the Spirit. We are vessels and our words, smiles and body language can change someone's life. I hope and pray that I don't miss out on these incredible opportunities to be the hands and feet of Jesus.

Two questions I get a lot are, "Do you like Germany?" and "How are you adapting to the culture?" In answer to these questions, I absolutely LOVE Germany and have adapted very well to the culture. I have no idea if this is because of my heritage and roots from Germany or if it's simply that this is where God has placed me for this season, but whatever the reason, I'm just really loving and valuing my time here!

In conclusion, please pray for wisdom and endurance for me as I continue to work with SFC.  Pray that the Lord will grow this little group into the community He desires and that everything we plan and do will bring honor and glory to His name.

Please pray that I will continue to take in this beautiful language and that God would open my mind and understanding to keep building vocabulary and understanding grammar.

Lastly, I am very short on my monthly support. I'm currently receiving 1/6 of the financial support that I need monthly. Please prayerfully consider if God would be inviting you to join His work here in Freiburg by partnering with me financially. I need about $700 a month, which is shockingly low for expensive Europe. But God has been incredibly faithful to provide low cost of living and minimum monthly expenses. However, if I am not able to present proper financial documents to the visa office, I will not be allowed to stay in Germany. I do believe that God has orchestrated this time and I continue to trust Him to provide for me. I am not allowed to get a job currently because my focus is on partnering with a  non-profit organization (SFC) and study language. Under the Language Study visa, I am not officially allowed to work. I am hoping that once I have fluent German I will be able to get a stable job that will provide a visa and good enough hours to continue working primarily with SFC. But until then, I need to raise ample support for my living expenses.

God bless you all, as we are in the middle of this Advent Season.  I hope it's bringing the same hope, peace and joy to you that it is to me!


Grace and Peace,
Jo <3

Du Machst Alles Neu

Du machst alles neu,
Jeden Tag und für immer

besteht deine Liebe 

Die Hoffnung vergeht nie 

Halleluja!

………………………………..

My German took a break for about a month. My browser wouldn't update so I wasn't able to continue my online program, much to my chagrin. I had been studying hardcore and God was equipping. My German is now better than my Chinese. How does that work? I have no idea...The only thing I can say is that I have a people to go to now. He's given me a people. He has a people. One nation, many faces, many languages, but still one nation. And I get a people! One of many to come, but I'm so excited.

As I continue to prepare for our Sunday departure from this 'home' in China one last time, I take a moment and listen to testimonies of what God is doing in Germany already. People are being healed physically, emotionally, and spiritually. A country is being re-claimed for His kingdom. A people is being called out. Those from 153 other countries partaking in the awakening are going back to their churches and sharing Jesus and the gospel with their local body. Thousands being empowered with the Word of God. This is really happening! 

Tears. Tears of joy, tears of hope, tears of amazement. Tears. 

I open my German program online and (as my browser finally updated) I begin to study again. As I study, I have my German music playlist on in the background (Full immersion). Du Machst Alles Neu plays. It means, "You Make All Things New". 

Tears.

Promises. Pasts. Redemption. Israel. Judah. Prophets. Promises. Fear broken. Droughts over. Fields ripe with harvest. Promises. Flowers bloom. Heavens open and a holy rain pours down onto a parched and barren land. 

I've been reading through Joel, Haggai, and Zechariah and have seen so many promises from the Lord Almighty to His people… If they would turn to the Lord and acknowledge Him as Lord and King, He would be merciful and gracious to them, for He is a merciful and gracious God. He said that if they would weep and fast over the people, He would turn His ear to them. If they would 'rend your hearts and not your garments', and return to the Lord, He would relent and leave a blessing. They did as the Lord Almighty required and He was gracious and slow to anger with them, He blessed them and their harvest was plentiful, their land prospered and they were in fellowship with the One God.

Die Hoffnung vergeht nie

The hope never goes away.

Has your hope gone from you? One of the speakers at the recent #AwakeningEurope conference in Europe spoke to the Germans and said that they no longer had shame of a past regime. They had a new inheritance. Their Father had placed a ring on their finger to symbolize the Power of God, a robe on their backs to symbolize the Royalty of our King, and sandals on their feet because they were made for purity. 

Christian in America, have you lost hope for your country or government? Are you ashamed of what your country has become? Stop. 

Your Father has come to greet you and place a ring on your finger, robe on your back, and sandals on your feet. You are pure. You are royal. You have power. You have a Father who loves you and is proud of you, so it doesn't matter what any other person in your life says to you, because this is your identity, a Child of the King.

Find hope in Hope Himself. Find love in Love Himself!

Ich will Dich loben, ich will Dich loben, ich will Dich loben, Du bist mein Gott.

My Letter to You

[9] And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, [10] so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. [11] May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, [12] giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. [13] He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, [14] in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. (Colossians 1:9-14 ESV)
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My dear friends, followers, and family in Christ. I'm writing a sort of 'update blog that is riddled with prayer requests.

As you know, my time in China seems to have come to an end and my time on a new continent is to begin. I firmly believe that God has called me to Germany, "for such a time as this". I have received many promises and prophecies concerning the work that our amazing King has already begun, in Europe (as well as the rest of the world). Such unrest on this planet and in the hearts and souls of so many of this planet's inhabitants can only point to a Divine appointment approaching rapidly!

I am confident that the Lord is not finished with this green (or blue, depending on the documentary you watch) planet and I cannot contain my excitement, so when I say I am just so, SO excited about this move and all that He is doing here and in Germany, please know that it doesn't even hold a candle to how excited I really am. :P

Today my roommate and I will move to our "summer place", as it has been affectionately deemed. This being an adorable little apartment with a full sea view (and a nice little pool), that some Canadian friends have so graciously offered us to stay in for the 3 weeks we will remain in China post-lease for us. So today I sit on my bed and look out at the construction being done on the Exhibition center that has been my "back yard" for the last year and think how "normal" and "fine" that center was before they started adding to it and changing the layout so many months ago. I've had to endure weeks of little to no sleep due to the banging and pounding and sawing and hammering that has gone on in those months. But why? What's the point. It looked fine already and the Center seemed to be in full use and capacity.

But isn't that the attitude we Christians often take to this world? Sure there are problems that only Jesus can fix, but as long as we stay in our bubble (which has become scarily accepted in most cultures I observe), why do anything to shake things up or change the appearance?

My dear, dear friend. Don't you know that God has so much planned for us, His little nation, His Bride? We have been placed here as ambassadors for Christ, and if we are 100% honest with ourselves, we have not been about His business. We've been on a vacation, and He's shaking the very tectonic plates of this world to get our attention! It's time to go to work, it's time to speak the truth in love to EVERY PERSON you come into contact with! Find a way to share His message however you can, this is our calling.

And for this reason, I go to Germany. I'm not sure what my work will look like once I get there, but I know that God has promised the way will be made straight. So I walk forward, once again, trusting Him for the details. (And I thought I knew what that meant the first time I encountered such a decision!)



+Upon arrival in Germany I will jump right into language school. 14-25 weeks of intense German study. Now, language school is not inexpensive, so I would ask that you join me in prayer that God will provide the amount needed. It's looking like $3-5,000 for 14-25 weeks of schooling. I firmly believe that I need to have a good grasp of German as I will be working closely with German students and workers.

If you feel so lead to help with this need, please email me at joball1307@aim.com (yes, I still use my aim account, it's one of the few that's not blocked yet over here! :P) Any and all assistance would be greatly appreciated. The school I have worked in for the last two years in China was not for the paycheck, but the work that I've been a part of there has a much higher reward than a monthly paycheck.


+Once I'm in language school, I need to get a residence permit and work permit. Students must obtain this work permit in order to work more than 40 hours a year. Yes, a year! Please pray that I find favor with the officials that this will not be a problem. My goal is to enter an apprenticeship in a kitchen to be trained more professionally in cooking. This will be both my means of supporting myself while in school, as well as an avenue that will allow me to travel into venues I may not have otherwise had access.

+After language school (the high semester or possibly waiting until the commencing of the new fall school year next year), I will apply to University of Freiburg to undergo a 5-year language and culture program. It is my goal to learn to speak as many languages as I can to be able to speak truth and love to as many nations as I come into contact with.

I do believe this is the course that has been set before me, so I do trust that our Lord will work the details out as I walk, step-by-step with Him. It doesn't mean that it will always be easy, but He has promised never to leave me, so I think I'm pretty safe in that. :) These three bullet points are the most glaring requests that I have for you to remember to our Father, but I would also ask that you join me in asking for divine appointments, both in transit and upon arrival. I'm asking Father for a friend who will come along-side my roommate and I as we start this new journey, to help ease into a new and VERY different culture, to help us with documents and details, and to help us find "family" there we can jump right into.


Thank you all for your help and support these past 3 1/2 years. I had no idea when I started this blog that this would be in my future, but here we are. I look forward to keeping you updated as I start a new chapter in a new country on a new continent. I can only imagine what lies in store!


Grace and Peace to you all,

Jo <3

Change in the Wind

Well, here it is! 
My big news. 
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I started writing this blog as a way to keep you all connected, in some small way, to me, what God teaches me, and my life here in China. I haven't always been on top of it, but that time has come to an end. My adventure in China has come to an end….at least for now.

After a lot of prayer and information gathering, I will be moving to Germany this summer!
It's a huge step for me and, in many ways, feels like more of a step of faith than my move to China (crazy how that works, right??) .

I will be going back to school, but this time not as a teacher. That's right, I'm going to be a student again! I will be going to a small city in South Western Germany, about 5k from France and 20k from Switzerland. My goal is to enroll in a program in Romance Studies (no, not the mushy stuff). I will, Lord willing, have the opportunity to study 4-5 European languages while studying culture and history. I am also looking for an apprenticeship in cooking while I am there.

This is a huge change for me, but I am very excited about it (Who wouldn't want to study and learn cooking in Europe??). I believe that this is the next step that Abba has for me and I'm so glad He is going with me!

As a side note, as I study German (try studying German in China….it's so beyond any challenge that you can imagine…) and look at pictures of the city I will be moving to, I can't wait to have a plethora of fresh cheeses, sausages, and breads!

I would really appreciate your prayers as I make this ginormous transition from teaching in Asia to studying in Europe. While it is very exciting, it is also very difficult. In many ways, I had begun to look at China as my earthly 'home' and had begun to sink roots here. Leaving my school- my students and co teachers- is really very hard for me, and I'm currently going through transition emotions that I never knew existed before. This is all quite uncharted transition for me.

Ways to pray?

1. Confidence even when the move gets difficult.
I believe God is in this move, but that doesn't mean that I won't struggle with doubts along the way. Prayers for confidence and wisdom are coveted.

2. Finances to make the move/live.
While my school here will pay for the ticket to fly over there, I will still be covering the expenses along the way- extra luggage fees, food and hostels along the way, etc.
While many universities in Germany are tuition free, I will still have to pay for living expenses, student fees, and health insurance. I mentioned earlier my desire to work as an apprentice in a kitchen, but until the paycheck comes in, things will be very tight.

3. Language Tests
Well I am going for language study already, but in order to make it into my program, I will need to pass the exams for a very high level of German first. I may take the first semester in Germany to do a focused language study at the university, but that will go back to request #2…Language school is not tuition free…. :)

4. Body 
I feel strongly that this move will be to join God's work with a local body in the city I'm moving to. Pray that I will find that body quickly once arriving and that He will provide a network there that will help with transitions. Also pray that God will prepare me to receive and give in the local body there.

I can't even tell you enough how excited I am to finally get to share this news with you.
Thank you all SO MUCH for your support through prayer and encouragement! 


Tschüss!! =)

The Truth About a Traveler's Life

The life of a vagabond is one of whimsical wandering. A life that many sit in stuffy cubicles and dream to partake in. Rich colors drape their bedrooms and twinkle lights hang from the ceilings. Flowing skirts and leather bracelets array their arms and flow about their tanned skin. A dreamy look is always in their eyes that sparkle with dreams of adventure and far-off places. Pins are posted on Pinterest with the caption of, "Some day, Monte Carlo, some day".  Everyone knows their passion for travel, and everyone supports it (Well, except maybe Mom, who always wants her baby safe at home). And when they finally save up that last penny and post a picture of the tarmac saying, "Hasta lavista, 'merica, Hello Paris!" hundreds of cheers go up and no fewer than 106 likes clicked out of excitement for dreams come true.

But that's not always what the life of a traveler is, is it…
………………………………………………..
No. The life of a traveler is far different from this picturesque concept of "gypsy living". As most other areas of life pictures, sayings, social media, and commercials have given only half of the story when it comes to living overseas- or even short term trips overseas.

A swirl of faces, some stained with dirt and tears, some stained with ruby red lips and purple or blue on their eyes, faces bleached white as a sign of high status. Students hair, a sea of black mingled with white, yet so young. Other children, hair jet black, has been mingled with soot and garbage. This woman is hard-working, tired, age lines her face and her eyes are tired, but the next woman to step onto the bus, clicking 5 inch heels and tight pencil skirt and shirt freshly pressed and accessories only the finest.

Your memories swirl and you see the elderly in a home, gathered around to enjoy the fine arts event you're putting on. Dresses glitter in the evening light and smiles are on all faces.  Puccini floats through the air and fades into O Solo Mio, the evening ends with wrinkled hands embracing soft, young ones. Sad eyes, full of memory glisten as they tell of a memory that went along with the aria you've just sang.

Yet again, you feel as if your head is in a vortex and there you are, sitting on a soccer field in South America, sweaty children all around you, you're wearing a wordless book bracelet and you're eagerly sharing about how Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me." Their eyes are full of anticipation, they listen attentively.

But no, you're not finished yet. The memory of a soccer field reminds you of a park, in your own "home country" This is the land were you came into existence. A park not far from the university you attended and the many homeless you brought food to. Not always food for their stomachs, but always something to chew on. The man who turned away a chance at new life only to be taken away on a stretcher the very next day. The woman who said she desperately wanted out of the life of sleeping with a knife, but couldn't last more than a couple weeks in a halfway house with a job.

You see girls taking you to a field in the middle of nowhere to open a Bible, concealed between textbooks, because if they were to be seen with the treasured pages in public, they could be kicked out of university- or worse. Children with disabilities in orphanages, with fewer hands and hearts to love on them than they should have- but at least it's something, right?

You see, the life of a traveler is full of new adventures, friends and experiences, but it is so full of hurt, fear, and agony.

Sure, we have our whimsical "gypsy" days, but that's not our reality. Our reality is a lot of hard work and a lot of goodbyes. And goodbyes never get easier. Sometimes, you don't even want to say, "Hello" to a new person, because it just means that one day, you'll have to say just one more, "Goodbye".

God has given me a life that I could never have imagined. Sure, I've always known that I would live somewhere overseas, but I never knew what it would take- or where He would move me!

There's something so exciting about going new places and trying new things, there's no denying that. Stepping off the plane or train or boat and taking your first breath of that new city, state, country, or even continent is exhilarating! Your eyes, full of curiosity and wonder as you observe the new cultural differences, colors, customs, foods, and architecture, sparkle. Your heart races as every new experience takes you further out of your comfort zone. You find yourself doing things you never thought someone could pay you to do. You find yourself speaking in languages you never dreamed you'd actually speak (or understand for that matter)! You find that it IS possible to retrain your palate to not reject squishy or unknown textures, you can stomach just about anything! (Well, except stinky tofu…)

But with ever step, a new memory, a new heart string, a new struggle, a new goodbye.

So here I am, sitting on the floor listening to piano ballads, getting ready for another goodbye. (Or whole slew of them, should I say?) I see more than 2,000 students faces all at once. I see a sidewalk, prayed over and committed to kingdom work, on my walk to work. I see a developing city, smog descending and the air thick with damp, musty air. I see more than 40 teachers that I have gotten to work with over the course of 3 1/2 years. I remember tears so many they would take bottles and bottles to contain. I remember words spoken out of frustration and anger that never should have been born. I remember the kind old man who offered me a seat when he saw I was exhausted. I remember the woman, a tooth missing and skin all wrinkled and leathery, that smiled at me that day. I remember the lady at the street food stand who remembers me and tells me she's missed seeing me when I started taking a different route home, or came home late. I remember the man at the little store downstairs who always tried to talk to me (when my Chinese was REALLY bad) and persevered through my confusion and frustration until we could have a conversation. I see young adults and teens with tears in their eyes as they shared their struggles and hurts with me. I remember the hugs I've given and the hugs I have received. I remember so much. Again.

There is so much. So much joy, so much laughter, so many tears, so many lessons, so many people, so much God. So much goodbye. Now is the time of goodbye. I'm so thankful for the time I have been given here in this enchanted land. Not once, or even twice. But three times, He's given me time here. Each time was so different from the former, and special in and of itself.
In the words of John Legend, to my China,

"Cause all of me loves all of you,. I love your curves and your edges, all your perfect imperfections…"

And how true is that. Never a straight line here. Always a curveball, something new, something different. Normal is different. And as hard as days have been here at times, I will always love it. I will always cherish these memories, as many as there are, I can't forget.

And this. This is the life of a traveller. The truth.

But isn't the truth really that we are all travelers? Sure, some of us get cozy where we are and call it, "home", but we're never really home. And that is something that traveling has taught me. This world is not my home, I'm just passing through, and oh how I can't WAIT to be HOME. So I pray will be the case for you. That you will comprehend the fullness of this statement, you are not at home, nor should you feel at home. We are all travelers and we will all spend this life saying, "Goodbye", but one day (and I feel it drawing closer), we will never have to say goodbye- ever again.

"Cause I gave you all of me, and you gave me all of you."

Thank you, Jesus.

What Have I Done?

I'm sitting in bed on this cool, rainy and dismal April evening. It's been raining for two days now, after a week of glorious, sunshiny weather- a gift I think, and so quickly I fall into discouragement. As I prepare to leave this enchanted land, I sit back and muse on all that these last 3 years have held for me (or rather vomited all over me).

I remember coming here with such ideals, such dreams, excitement and ideas of how I would change the world. Yet so often now, I feel like the only thing I've changed is me- I've single-handedly sucked the life, excitement, and zeal right out of my very being.

Sure, I could blame it on something other than me….the trash everywhere, the smells that I don't notice anymore, the woman making a starfruit make noise I didn't know was possible on the seat behind me on the bus, the constant pounding at the construction site across the road from us at all hours of the night making it impossible for me to get sleep between busy days of language study and teaching….The neighbor moving my trash bag that I strategically place by my door to remind me to take it down to the big can downstairs so that I forget it for days (by which time a nice puddle of unknown grossness has since seeped out of what I thought was a sturdy plastic bag), the umpteenth old woman who has pushed me harder than any sports opponent ever did so she could get to one of the 15 open seats on the bus (because you know I was going to lay down and take up 3 seats….) I could blame it on the child suddenly squatting in the middle of the sidewalk pooping, barely missing my flip-flop clad foot. I could blame it on the grocery stores never stocking the same merchandise two months in a row, I could blame it on the rice being coated in plastic, so as to make it look prettier and fluffier in the bowl but causing severe intestinal problems later, I could even blame it on the random water and power outages in my building that last up to 24 hours at a time.  There is so much here that threatens to steal my joy and zeal for life, but the truth is, none of that can really complete the theft. My joy is something I have to give away. It's mine, and no one or thing can ever successfully steal it from me unless I'm already opening my hand and offering it up in a torrent of self-pity and despair….

I lay down and try to close my eyes and sleep. My body is heavy and the pounding has subsided. Gentle Blues play in the background begging me to give in and succumb to a much needed nap, but my eyes disobediently pop open again. Time is passing, the clock won't stop ticking and my hour to nap is now 15 minutes. I try, so hard to turn off the thoughts and go to sleep, but the question slips it's foreboding hand between the closing door and frame and pokes it's haunting head in and asks, "What have you done in these three years? The words come out from the monster's mouth and I try harder to shut them out, voices screaming in the background, "You've failed! You're a failure. Everything you hoped and dreamed for came to nothing, you are nothing."
"Stop! Stop, stop, stop, please stop," I sob back at him.

But really, I wonder as I sit up, even more weary than when I lay down, What was it all for? I can't speak fluent Chinese, I had more friends on my short term trips to China than when I moved here, my body is literally rejecting Chinese food and my organs are shutting down in protest, my patience is shot, and I haven't gotten to share Jesus with anyone in a long time- at least not in the traditional sense of a walk down the Romans road… What was the point? I came to serve and I feel like instead I've been poured out. And then some.  So what's the point? My mind goes to Philipians 2:

12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed--not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence--continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 

13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. 

14 Do everything without complaining or arguing, 

15 so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe 

16 as you hold out the word of life--in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. 

17 But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. 

18 So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

That's the point. The working out of our salvation. That and leading others to obedience, and when I'm honest with myself, even in my shortcomings, I know that God- being rich in mercy- has used me countless times to lead others to obedience to Him, and that's what's important. Never with any sort of proof that I ever had anything to do with it, lest I should boast, but a quiet rejoicing at the many who follow Christ more faithfully- as a work of the Spirit.

I have been questioned and put down because I have not been "Spirit-busy" enough these past few years, and this has added fuel to the fire of my own disappointment of not "do-ing enough", but I've learned so much more about "be-ing". So now I boast not in myself, but that Christ lives in me and works in me to do His own good pleasure and now I sit, head- lifted, with the quiet assurance that these years have not been wasted, but have been seed-planting, watering days and the harvest is coming in due season. My heart rejoices.

Maybe you question your purpose or value where you are right now. I would encourage you with Paul's words, and I love how the NIV says it, "…so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life…"

A Gift from My Father

Red Chinese New Year lanterns sway in the wind on naked trees. Once covered in leaves and blossoms, the branches are now decorated by mortal man to symbolize prosperity, blessing, and wealth.

   Seasons change, leaves and blossoms come and go in due time, just as the Father planned it. 

For while blossoms wilt and die, and leaves turn brown and fall off, the soil is rich and the roots pour nutrients to live by into the dry, dismal looking soil.

   Leaves on our most prized plants turn yellow, then brown and we watch on with dismay, feeling hopelessly helpless, yet, has He not promised life?  

Our fears and dismay at the sight of sickness and death blind us

from the promise of a better time. 

For isn't it only natural? 

While, to the naked eye, it looks like the tree has given up life itself,

it's really just biding its time. 

Forsaking daily extravagance, it stockpiles resources so that, at the appropriate time, it might burst forth with life and blossom- shouting messages of life and hope.

   Where is our decoration then? 

The once ornate lanterns look like a gaudy reminder that man's way pales in comparison

of the brilliance of an eternal spring to come.

   Winds may come and blow the lanterns about, but the tree is not uprooted.

   Rains come down and leave a pathetic trail of red dye and soggy paper, melted over silk tassel, but still, the tree remains.

   Are not we, the church, the tree?

Broken Chains

Tonight I watched a movie. Not an uncommon occurrence for me,  though since moving to China I find it much easier to binge on TV shows than sit through one entire movie… My roommate and I went for hot pot this evening and then snuggled down under mountains of blankets to an action movie. Neither of us had ever seen it before, but I wanted something new and she didn’t care what we watched so we popped the disk in and watched.

………………

I don’t think I’d ever recommend the movie to anyone, it wasn’t very good, but I learned a lot from it. First, my freshman History of Civilization class came coursing back to me as I heard my professor’s admonishing of evil promoted in movies. We have learned to hero the evil for the sake of the main character’s well-being. I scoffed a little bit when he said this…while I recognized some truth to what he said, I thought he was way over-doing it. Ironically, it was the first thing I noticed about this movie.

The other thing I noticed about this movie was incredible picture it was to sin. The basic story line of the film was this: A young man tries to deal drugs and the drop goes bad. As a result he ropes his sister’s husband into the “clean-up”. In the process, dozens of people (and inevitably their families) are brought into the situation with many dying. In the end, the young man and his brother-in-law (the hero) become millionaires and the “bad guys” are all either dead or in prison (Real ‘Ocean’s’ stuff here). As I sat and watched, my heart grew sadder and sadder until I felt tears welling in my eyes- not because I was sad for what was occurring in the film, but because of the depravation that was unfolding in front of my eyes.

Sin: it’s a web that draws unending wells of people, families, hearts, and futures into it’s grasp, often promising protection and pay-off, but only ever giving death and heart-ache. No matter what we do, how we sin- whether idolatry, adultery, envy, pride- it ropes those we love most into our web with us. We could never imagine the effects of our sin on those around us. Every choice, decision, compromise we make- it effects countless others with adverse consequences.

My heart ached as I watched the film because I knew that many choose this life style willingly, some choose it unknowingly, but all continue on in it purposefully. That purpose is self-preservation and pleasure. What my heart had not yet ached for was the realization that our “respectable sins” have the same effects on those we love. A harsh word, a defiance to win an argument, fight for self, fight for rights, competitiveness to the point of wounding…you know the list could go on, go ahead, add to it your favorite secret or “respectable” sin. Here, I’ll give you a space: ______________. I’m serious. It’s time to take control for our choices and actions!

I’m so thankful we are not left to our own devices, aren’t you? As I contemplated what I had just witnessed on “the silver screen”, I pressed play on my worship playlist and “Miracle” by Michael W. Smith came on. The lyrics say,

“Impossible

The war was lost

Before Your blood

Before the cross

My shame no more

My curse no more

You made a way, yeah

You made a way

Your miracle is burning bright in me

I was a slave, and now I'm free

I'm lifting high these broken chains

You always find a way

I am a miracle

I am a miracle

Amazing grace

How sweet the sound

I once was lost

                 But now I'm found”

Are there tears in your eyes now too? Praise the Lord for the victory He has approved and made possible with the sacrifice of His Son! Just a couple of weeks ago we celebrated the birth of that One who would sacrifice it all so that we don’t have to live and wound under the bondage of sin. Please don’t continue on in blindness or stubbornness.

This Halloween a couple of friends and I went to the Halloween party on the island. It was my first time and several friend’s told me it was really good last year. Aside from that, a one of my friend’s bands was playing, so why not go and support? There was a man dressed as a devil there. I’m not talking cutesy horns and silk cape with a little make-up on. I’m talking full body make-up to the point he looked like he was smoldering with flames. I’ve learned not to fear the unreal or silly, but there was something about this man that caused my spirit (and the Spirit inside me) to be completely repelled. Not fearful, but the most intense repulsion I have ever felt to anything in my entire life. I think what got me most of this man’s obvious costume was that he was dragging with him heavy chains, lurking about, sneaking up on people and scaring them. The chains have stuck with me since the end of October. I’ve had dreams since then where God revealed chains I was allowing myself to be bound by and breaking them for me.

One of my favorite lines in this song though is this:

“I was a slave, and now I'm free

I'm lifting high these broken chains

You always find a way

I am a miracle”

Wow. Isn’t that what He did for us? He made a way. He made a new life. He made a miracle. Why? Because He’s the God of the impossible. The God of miracles. He makes the lame to walk and the blind to see, He breaks down the high places and He will be exalted where His name is proclaimed!

So proclaim His name in your dorm, your house, your room, your school, your county, your state, your province, your country. Proclaim with me tonight the Name of Jesus, for at the name of Jesus every knee shall bow and every tongue shall proclaim that Jesus is Lord!

“A rebel heart

A restless soul

I lost my sight

I lost control

A cry for hope

Could I be saved

                 You found a way”

“...and these whom He predestined, He also called; and these whom He called, He also justified; and these whom He justified, He also glorified.

      What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? Who will bring a charge against God’s elect? God is the one who justifies; who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

Just as it is written,

         “FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG;WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED.”

But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 8:30- 36