Hungry I come to You for I know your satisfy. I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry.
................
Emptiness is a word that I have thought a lot about these last few months. Well, actually a lot since I came to China. I feel like I spent most of my days feeling empty. Dry. Tired. Last month I shared about motives and how I was learning to serve for Jesus first and foremost- then when I had given every last bit of me, I would not fall into the temptation of despair. This month He is putting that to the test. And He is teaching me more about the difference between emptiness and hunger.
"Oh taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!"
I find it interesting that the Psalmist uses the word taste. Taste has to do with a physical need that many of us do not understand fully: hunger. Last night I went to see the Life of Pi with a friend and there was one part where Pi says, "There is something about hunger that brings out the evil in your soul" (or something like that- you get the picture) Hunger weakens, hunger cripples, hunger affects our demeanor, our energy, our everything. Hunger can distract, it can make one delusional. What a sad picture hunger can be. It is a hunger ignored. This hunger though is a hunger not satisfied.
Hunger was created to remind us of our needs. Our need for food, our need for God. Emptiness is a feeling I became well acquainted with these last few months, and have been learning to put away and let myself be filled with the Holy Spirit. But hunger is a new feeling that I am learning about. Lately I have been feeling- well, empty is not the right word. At first I thought I felt empty, but the more I thought about it the more I realized, "No. I do not feel empty- I feel the presence of God filling me and giving me strength and encouragement to keep pressing forward. So what is this then?" It is the intense yearning to be full of Him. To consume His Words and to digest every word carefully. I was encouraged to make this realization. I was encouraged because emptiness suggests that there is nothing left- whatever was there is gone. Hunger on the other hand suggest that there is still life. Something that is dead can not be hungry. As we face discouraging times in this life, we can always have the comfort that as long as we hunger there is life, there is hope. If God's love does not run dry, we can never be empty as His children. Hunger just shows our need for Him. Hunger can be satisfied.
"I'm falling on me knees, offering all of me. Jesus, You're all this heart is living for."
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Wouldn't Trade a Thing
There were people laughing and joking- crowded together in the small room. All I could do was look wistfully around as I stared off into space and imagined different paths my feet could have taken before this moment...
..........................
As a teenager I often imagined what my life would look like when I "grew" up and dreamed of all the wonderful, daring, and adventurous things I would do. My imagination took me all over the world. I was working in the bush in Africa- defying venomous snakes and holding small children and administering some sort of medical care to them as I spoke to their mothers about His love. I was living in Europe in an adorable flat above a small cafe that I owned and sharing His Word with my neighbors and frequent customers. I was living in South Africa, singing in concerts and spreading His love through music and owning a warm toned coffee shop- sitting for hours just talking the Word with my faithful regulars. I was in China, teaching university students English in a small town in a southeastern province. I was a successful travel agent- managing CEO's and high end clients- traveling around the country representing a successful company. I was a wife of a dashing, strong hero and mother- supporting my husband and raising my children with him, keeping a peaceful and happy home.
And then I looked up from my spot on the couch and saw the Christmas lights on our little Christmas tree flashing and I got up and walked down the ominous looking, long, white hallway and climbed into my cold bed alone. I woke up this morning to see the latest news on Facebook that my friends back home are in relationships, engaged, married, and on child number 3. Sound familiar? They all look so happy. They are pinning recipes and decor and DIY projects that can only be done in the States. They are visiting family and getting ready for Christmas and the New Year after spending Thanksgiving together. The temptation is for me to get all melancholy and discontent as I sit in my cold apartment all alone- the roommates at work and my student being late this morning, but as I was moping on that ridiculous social networking site, my eye caught a picture of me with one of my former kindergarten students.
One glimpse of that picture and I knew instantly that I would not trade anything I have now for any of those ideas of what my life could be like right now. I can not imagine my life without all the experiences and memory-creating moments I have had since coming to China. I can not imagine never knowing these first 8 bright-eyed, loud, crazy kindergartners, or my 50+ students at my school, or any of the people I have met since coming here. No. I am crazy, extremely blessed.
And thankful.
I can not imagine what this Christmas would be like without getting to spend it here with people that I care about here. Will I miss spending this holiday season in the comfort of familiarity and "normalcy" To some extent, of course. And of course I will miss my family and friends! But I wouldn't trade a thing I have now for anything that I might miss or long for.
I once prayed and dedicated my life to my Lord. I once told Him I would go anywhere and do anything that He wanted me to do. I once told Him I would do it alone or with a life-time partner and friend. I once told Him that I would trust Him even when it was scary and I did not understand what my next step would be.
I once prayed all those things, and He once answered: and I found myself in China.
"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will act. He will bring forth righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday light. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his ways, over the man who carries out evil devices!"
Psalm 37: 5-7
..........................
As a teenager I often imagined what my life would look like when I "grew" up and dreamed of all the wonderful, daring, and adventurous things I would do. My imagination took me all over the world. I was working in the bush in Africa- defying venomous snakes and holding small children and administering some sort of medical care to them as I spoke to their mothers about His love. I was living in Europe in an adorable flat above a small cafe that I owned and sharing His Word with my neighbors and frequent customers. I was living in South Africa, singing in concerts and spreading His love through music and owning a warm toned coffee shop- sitting for hours just talking the Word with my faithful regulars. I was in China, teaching university students English in a small town in a southeastern province. I was a successful travel agent- managing CEO's and high end clients- traveling around the country representing a successful company. I was a wife of a dashing, strong hero and mother- supporting my husband and raising my children with him, keeping a peaceful and happy home.
And then I looked up from my spot on the couch and saw the Christmas lights on our little Christmas tree flashing and I got up and walked down the ominous looking, long, white hallway and climbed into my cold bed alone. I woke up this morning to see the latest news on Facebook that my friends back home are in relationships, engaged, married, and on child number 3. Sound familiar? They all look so happy. They are pinning recipes and decor and DIY projects that can only be done in the States. They are visiting family and getting ready for Christmas and the New Year after spending Thanksgiving together. The temptation is for me to get all melancholy and discontent as I sit in my cold apartment all alone- the roommates at work and my student being late this morning, but as I was moping on that ridiculous social networking site, my eye caught a picture of me with one of my former kindergarten students.
One glimpse of that picture and I knew instantly that I would not trade anything I have now for any of those ideas of what my life could be like right now. I can not imagine my life without all the experiences and memory-creating moments I have had since coming to China. I can not imagine never knowing these first 8 bright-eyed, loud, crazy kindergartners, or my 50+ students at my school, or any of the people I have met since coming here. No. I am crazy, extremely blessed.
And thankful.
I can not imagine what this Christmas would be like without getting to spend it here with people that I care about here. Will I miss spending this holiday season in the comfort of familiarity and "normalcy" To some extent, of course. And of course I will miss my family and friends! But I wouldn't trade a thing I have now for anything that I might miss or long for.
I once prayed and dedicated my life to my Lord. I once told Him I would go anywhere and do anything that He wanted me to do. I once told Him I would do it alone or with a life-time partner and friend. I once told Him that I would trust Him even when it was scary and I did not understand what my next step would be.
I once prayed all those things, and He once answered: and I found myself in China.
"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will act. He will bring forth righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday light. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his ways, over the man who carries out evil devices!"
Psalm 37: 5-7
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)