Found

Tall, short, fat, skinny, hyper, sedate, athletic, not-so-athletic, musical, not musical, artistic, not artistic, traveler, homebody, rocker, operatic. 
So many options, so many expectations.
So many opinions.
.....................
So, I grew up around a lot of rules. I never realized it, but I grew up with SO many rules. All the way through college I was surrounded by strict rules.

"Wear this...don't wear this"
"Too short...too low"
"Listen to this kind of music....You can't listen to this kind of music- it's sinful"
"You can't say that!! What will they think of you??"
"Don't go to the movies, it is the appearance of evil"
"Don't sing like that, you sound too worldly"
"Look good on the outside...as long as you have that covered, you can make it by in life."

Okay, so that last one was never verbalized, but I think it was the overlying concept that I was struck by through my teenage and college years. Everything was so focused on appearance and pleasing your parents, your youth leader, pastor, church family, friends...the list could go on. It was never said that way for sure, but in the back of my mind, I always heard a voice asking me,
"What will they think of you if you do, say, wear, etc. that?"
I think it might have had to do with a huge fear of rejection that I have had for years. I was petrified of making someone not like me, or worse yet disappointed in me. I was driven by fear of disappointing my parents and leaders/counselors. I would not make "bad" choices because I knew it would hurt them and could not bear to see them upset with me. My heart was far from the "right" choices so often though.
I wanted to be wild. I wanted to be rebellious. I wanted to be that strong, independent chick that nobody could touch.  There was a certain mystery to that image in my mind. A strength and a refusal to accept hurt from anyone. It seemed more emotionally safe to live that way.

One thing that this mindset and heart attitude brought along with that "toughness" that I did not bargain for was an intense insecurity. I feared people. I feared their opinions of me. I feared pain that was beyond my control. I feared my own emotions and responses to things.
Really all my "strength" had done for me was create more areas of insecurity.

Since coming to China, Daddy's been dealing mercifully with me on so many levels relieving my fears and insecurities and giving me an identity in Him.

Now there's a phrase...."identity in Christ"

Ooooo, sounds legit, yes? I grew up hearing this phrase and knowing that when I accepted Christ I had an "identity in Him". It meant that I was a part of His family, I was made in His image, etc, etc, etc. What I didn't put together was that this "identity" was a personal identity. Unique and special to me. It meant that I would be different from other people. Different from friends and different from family.
Different.
Oh boy, now my old self did not like that word. Different meant people would point and laugh. They would think I was weird. They would make fun of me and talk behind my back. I did not like that.

Ironically, things are different now. I kind of welcome different. Why? Because I know that when I am different because Jesus made me that way and I follow Him alone and seek to please HIM. What people say or think really does not matter.
Sure. The Bible has PLENTY to say about wisdom in counsel from those who are walking according to His precepts, but ultimately this life is lived for my God. The law was put to death over 2,000 years ago! Why do we live today like it still exists to condemn us?

"For there is now therefore NO condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus."

Read it again. No, really. Read it again.

NO condemnation! I do not live my live in fear of condemnation of fear of my family or friends or anyone else in my life. I certainly do not live in fear of condemnation from my Father. What a freeing thought, isn't it?

"Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. If you're tired, and you are, there is freedom."

Not that rules are bad at all. Please do not take what I am saying that way. I am not saying that I despise my childhood, teenage years, or college. On the contrary. I am so very thankful for them. Lord knows I have no idea where I would be today without them. No. My point is simply this,

"I  once was lost, but now I am found."

I no longer wonder who I am and why I do what I do. I no longer wonder why I like what I like and say what I say or wear what I wear. For the longest time, everything about me depended upon where I was, who I was with, etc. Now I do not fear rejection from those people because I know that my Father approves of me and why do I need any other approval?

I do not just want to "make it by" in life. I want to live and thrive. I want to love life and who God made me to be. And that, by God's grace, is what I aim to do!