Battles of Trust

"I trust you, Jesus. I trust you, Jesus.
I trust you, Jesus. I trust you, Jesus."
.................................

Well now, I was going to wait another week to write this particular blog because I have a feeling I am going to have more to add to it, but I just can't not testify to His working these last few months- illustrated vividly in the last 5 days to me.

You know when you pray, "God, I wanna go deeper, take me deeper. I want to know you in a more intimate way than I ever have before- I want to know you. I want to love you with a purer love and I can't do that if I keep getting in the way. It's time to clean house again. Please, take the dross out. No matter what it is, or how hard it hurts, take it- I'm better off without it"? And then you go through life and think you see him changing you in little ways here and there, and think that's the "deeper" you've been praying for....but then something "big" happens and suddenly you're floundering wondering what is going on and "Why me? Why now?"and then about half-way through you realize, "Oh wait! This is taking me deeper. I prayed for this!"

Well I've been having quite a few of those moments lately. (I think this post is going to be longer than I expected now too...) But all these moments have one root that was revealed to me years ago- one that I thought I had pretty much gotten rid of, but the more I ask "deeper" the more I see how deep it goes. This is the root of worry in my life.

Many of my devo's from my new devo book "Jesus Calling" (Great stuff if you are looking for a phenomenal devo, btw) have been on trusting Jesus with our everything. The more I have read, the more I have been trusting. It's been great! It was encouraging us, every time a challenge came up to surrender and say verbally, "I trust you, Jesus" and continue on. Well, I've started making this a practice. It's helped a lot, actually- but I still find those random things that make my chest get tight and thoughts start reeling.

Ray and I were talking about worrying about situations and just not having faith in things we said we believed. About an hour later she had me read her devo for the day which identified worry as anti-worship. Think about that. anti-worship! The opposite of what we are to be giving God. That kind of jilted me and landed me in immediate repentance right then. And has had me meditating and battling for trust against worry for the last several days.

That being said, there are a number of instances this week that have spoken clearly of God's trustworthiness to me (as if He really had to give me reasons, yet in His grace He still does!) I wanted to share them with you. Though some of them may seem small and insignificant, they all scream His love, protection, and care for me.

First we have the flights out to Thailand- not a single problem, delay, squished flight, baggage trouble or anything. (and no delays is a big deal for a Xiamen flight) Then we have an unexpected delicious meal to cheer me up after leaving China. Popeyes and Ben 'n' Jerry's.

Once in Bangkok, we didn't know where we were going to stay and He provided that we were able to stay in a safe, clean hostel the first we came to! Our time in Bangkok was a blessed time for sure. I continually saw His hand of protection and provision the entire time. It just made me smile.

Then there were the bus tickets to Phuket. Cheaper than I was expecting. Another big blessing.
Somewhere on our 12 hour bus ride to Phuket I realized we had no idea where we were going to go in Phuket or where we were going to stay once we picked an area. So I started praying that He would guide us to the perfect place of retreat. Once we arrived at the bus station in Phuket Ray wanted me to choose our destination (which I hadn't heard God tell me where yet and didn't want to pick a place, but He wasn't inclined to put an arrow on the map so I just had to choose :P) And we get into this taxi and halfway there (after we had already paid) the taxi driver is like, "You don't want to go to Kata. You want to go to Karon-Kata. Much nicer. And just a little bit further. Let me take you there?" We were a little confused cause he wasn't going to profit any from the whole thing, but I remember my prayer and we said "Sure!" Then once we to there he drove us straight up to an awesome hostel and we got a room and it was perfect! (Notice a God-theme here?) The area He led us to was so amazingly NOT the creepy party part of town and we were able to have some amazing rest, retreat, and relaxation and retreat during the few days we were there.

Then there was our cleaning lady- I swear she waited in the hall for us to open the door with a "crisis" Whether it was ants crawling in my luggage, the toilet not working, or us needing towels for the beach. She was always there thinking of things before we did! I really sensed that God prepared a number of people for us to interact with while we were there- letting His light shine in the area. I believe He is going to start a work there and continue it.

The bus ride back. Sigh. Oh the bus ride. (are you even still reading? :P ) Hectic. Hair pulling out. Frustrating. Tear-drawing. Bus ride. Started out thinking we were going to get tickets the night before we were supposed to leave. The vendor told us to go back next day because the bus station was closed, but he guaranteed us tickets the next day. (We hadn't paid at this point)
Next day no tickets. Not cool. Panic ensued. We had a flight to catch 12 long hours away in Bangkok and no way to get there- no buses, no trains, no flights. Everything was full! So prayed again. "I trust you, Jesus"
And we took a taxi to the bus terminal where as soon as we opened the door a lady yells across the floor, "You want to go to Bangkok." (as a statement, like she already knew it, mind you) and gives us a price that is HALF of what we had been told, and was everything that we needed/wanted it to be. "I trust you, Jesus. Thank you."

Once we finally made it back to the airport in Bangkok, I remembered that I was not going to be able to go all the way back to Xiamen and therefore would lose the residual amount of my international ticket. So I casually asked if I could get a same day change on my ticket (Here's to working as an AMEX travel agent!!!!) To which (half an hour later) She changed my ticket for a whopping $25usd! (yeah, not $50 same day change for me!!!!!!!)
When we got on the plane, Ray was concerned that her guitar case (which was falling apart) would have to be checked and her guitar would be injured! I prayed for space on the plane and BAZINGA! There was space on the plane.
I was nervous there would be no room for my massive backpack on the plane and they would make me check it and I would be luggageless in Hong Kong for a week and SKADOOSH! There was ample room in the overhead compartment AND someone helped me lift it up. :P

On the bus ride last night (regardless of how I looked this morning, sigh) I had been battling (and I thought winning) the battle for trust. I had situation after situation popping up in my mind that were prompting worry or fear. As I listened to Chris Tomlin singing about how great our God is, I was prompted to say once again, "I trust you, Jesus" and as He brought thought, after thought, after thought to my mind I just had to say over and over and over again,

"Even this, I trust you, Jesus".

It's a battle and the war is not over, but even so, "I trust you, Jesus"