New Year

A new year, new opportunities, new chances, new people.
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Well here it is- 2013. You know, ironically for some strange reason I thought half of last year WAS 2013, so I have not had trouble adjusting to the new number. However, my mind is still wrapping itself around all that happened in 2012 and all that will happen in 2013 if it is anything like 2012.
I am in my 11th month living overseas, 11 month since being home, 11th month since being in America, 11th month since being in an English speaking country. So much has happened. So much to process. So much to praise for. Where to start!

January 2012 found me happy and content working at a great job in sunny Tampa, FL. Happy with my local assembly, getting more involved with my community, getting my first apartment, spending hours at the beach and pool, and finding new ways to get involved at church, work, and home. Life was great. I had a car, apartment, AWESOME kitchen stuff, family all within two hours, close friends all around. Life was pretty darn good! Learned a lot and started settling down for the next three years (Joanna's time frame for something exciting to happen)....

February 2012 found an email in my inbox from China saying that a company needed a kindergarten teacher ASAP and could I come? February was a whirl of random weekends to Cocoa Beach with a friend, Les Mis live, Florida State Fair with the sis, Disney for the first time, and lots and LOTS of coffee dates and shocked expressions by people finding out that I was leaving the country for a year and a half. Looking back I guess it WAS kind of a crazy idea... :P But what can I say? I like crazy.

March 2012 found me in Xiamen, China. The first two weeks the most depressing I had ever experienced. Cold, cloudy, rainy, and in the middle of the city. None of which were at all closely or remotely similar to my sunny southwest Florida that I had just come from. I found myself in a room with nine 4-6 year old Chinese children who looked at me like I was a super hero (sometimes anyway =) and felt like I had gotten in WAY over my head. But March was good. It was spent getting used to so much! New houses (3 to be exact...yes 3 moves, one month), new fellowship, new school, new country, new city, new side of the globe, new foods, new age group...

April 2012 seemed to be a bit of a settling month for me. I got a new roommate, but other than that it was a bit of a stabilizing month from what I remember. I was also sick a lot....most of the month, but again, getting more used to how life was going to be.

May 2012 found some of my closest friends and mentors on Xiamen soil. May was a month of great, I don't want to say turmoil, but it was definitely a challenging month. Everything I thought I had settled in my mind, everything that I wanted to be okay with, everything that I was frustrated with in being in a new place, etc was challenged, questioned and encouraged. It was both good and bad. Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to over-think and over-dramatize most of life- I guess you could say that's kind of what May looked like for me. Too much thinking and worrying and definitely NOT enough prayer and letting go. Seeing my friends from back home made me realize just how much I had changed over just 3 months. It made me realize how much my mindset had changed, my opinions, my world view, it seemed like almost everything about me was different and I was not quite sure how to take all of that in. It was a blessed time though with them, and I long to have such coffee dates and adventures again with them here.

June 2012 saw the beginning of the downward slope. With school ending, the roommate leaving, moving to a new EMPTY apartment all alone, and everyone I normally spent time with leaving I found myself sinking into depression. I was discontent with much of my life. Discontent with my job, discontent with my new country, discontent with myself. Frustrated to find myself in such a state.

July 2012 found me about the middle of the downward slope. Getting used to everyone being gone and learning to enjoy and embrace the people who were here- lots of good talks with friends, lots of continued learning and processing about my identity and who I really was, lots of encouragement from the Word from faithful friends and warriors. Had an amazing experience in Wuhan at a conference- the focus was on being still and rising up with wings as eagles- Daddy knew I would need this focus if I was to survive the rest of my summer...

August 2012: They say that the darkest hour comes just before the morning. And August was dark indeed for me. I questioned much of who I thought I was, who I was becoming, and who I wanted to be. I turned 23 all alone and it rained that day. A lot. It was my second month of unemployment and my frustration level was quickly rising. I started questioning God and if He really was all that He said He was. If sacrificing everything was really worth it. If giving up all of me was really worth it. If I really wanted to give all of me to Him for all He is. While it was dark, there were definitely good times with friends, new contacts being made, and fun trips to Shenzhen and Hong Kong.

September 2012 and I was full swing into my new jobs. Now I was not just working with children, but I got one of the best possible set ups I could have asked for. Working part time, tutoring and getting a lot of one-on-one time with women, teaching business English at a company, and still teaching kids in the afternoon. Things were starting to look up and I was excited. The roommates finally came back after being gone for what felt like an eternity and home started to feel like just that- home. Challenges? Still there, but always a little easier to face with kindred spirits. :)

October 2012 brought the realization that a fourth year had come and gone without my Dad knowing where I was or what I was doing. I was more involved at my fellowship, had started playing the guitar, was loving my jobs and my involvement at English Corners and with fellow teachers, but nothing was coming close to touching or filling the longing I have for him. Again, another month of learning to let go. Another month of letting Daddy come in and continue to heal my heart.

November 2012 had struggles of it's own, but overall, pretty darn good. Love Xiamen, love my jobs, love my girls, love my involvement with locals. Not much to complain about...Until Thanksgiving. That was hard. Definitely. I found myself short on thankfulness and could not for the life of me figure out where the ungrateful spirit was coming from. But what a discouragement and frustration to look at your life knowing how much you have to be thankful for but not feeling thankful.

December 2012 was one of the busiest whirl-windiest months yet. With Daddy lifting me out of yet another miry pit from the end of November and Christmas concerts on the wind, I had plenty to keep me occupied. Between Christmas concerts and parties I hardly had time to prepare for my family coming to town!! Yes. They came to Xiamen, all the way to China. What a blessing. Truly- I still don't think they understand just how special that was to me. Again, with family from home coming to China I was faced once again with the new me. Realizing that throughout this year of struggles, heartache, rebellion, sadness, victories, happiness, and special moments I had not been alone and I was quite content and excited to see how Daddy had been with me, growing me to be more like Him the whole time. I was honestly a bit shocked to make realizations of the contentment and peace He had been giving me, the decisions I had made and just how set I was on a course to seek Him more. What a time of great encouragement. A time that I desperately needed 10 months into this crazy journey!

January 2013. I sit in my room (which I have now officially lived in for SEVEN months- yay for not moving!!!!) and write the shortest summary possible for the last 12 months. Looking back I can't help but want to laugh cry, sink back from exhaustion from remembering how crazy this year was, and want to lift up my hands and praise Him or grab a coat and my guitar and sing out His name on my balcony all at the same time! (however, I am late for a lunch date so I can't do any of those right now....) I am astonished to see just how good, just, and faithful He has been to me this year. If there is one phrase engrained upon my heart and mind from this year it is that I am a child of grace. His grace covers so much my mind can't wrap itself around it! And as to being His child....wow, my Abba has not given up on me, He hasn't disowned me, and He never will- He has hemmed me in before and behind, and He said He will never leave me or forsake me....and He never will. I've said it before and I will say it again, over and over and over again,

I wouldn't trade any of all this year for ANYthing else!

What a crazy year. How much I have to praise Him for. May we never forget just what has been given to us. For to whom much has been given, much more shall be required.

Here I am, Father. Ready to offer all of me, all my life to You. As much shall be required, I lift my open hands to you and offer it all freely to You. Take me and use me- this broken vessel, this child of Your- use me for your glory that all me see and know that You are God.