What Have I Done?

I'm sitting in bed on this cool, rainy and dismal April evening. It's been raining for two days now, after a week of glorious, sunshiny weather- a gift I think, and so quickly I fall into discouragement. As I prepare to leave this enchanted land, I sit back and muse on all that these last 3 years have held for me (or rather vomited all over me).

I remember coming here with such ideals, such dreams, excitement and ideas of how I would change the world. Yet so often now, I feel like the only thing I've changed is me- I've single-handedly sucked the life, excitement, and zeal right out of my very being.

Sure, I could blame it on something other than me….the trash everywhere, the smells that I don't notice anymore, the woman making a starfruit make noise I didn't know was possible on the seat behind me on the bus, the constant pounding at the construction site across the road from us at all hours of the night making it impossible for me to get sleep between busy days of language study and teaching….The neighbor moving my trash bag that I strategically place by my door to remind me to take it down to the big can downstairs so that I forget it for days (by which time a nice puddle of unknown grossness has since seeped out of what I thought was a sturdy plastic bag), the umpteenth old woman who has pushed me harder than any sports opponent ever did so she could get to one of the 15 open seats on the bus (because you know I was going to lay down and take up 3 seats….) I could blame it on the child suddenly squatting in the middle of the sidewalk pooping, barely missing my flip-flop clad foot. I could blame it on the grocery stores never stocking the same merchandise two months in a row, I could blame it on the rice being coated in plastic, so as to make it look prettier and fluffier in the bowl but causing severe intestinal problems later, I could even blame it on the random water and power outages in my building that last up to 24 hours at a time.  There is so much here that threatens to steal my joy and zeal for life, but the truth is, none of that can really complete the theft. My joy is something I have to give away. It's mine, and no one or thing can ever successfully steal it from me unless I'm already opening my hand and offering it up in a torrent of self-pity and despair….

I lay down and try to close my eyes and sleep. My body is heavy and the pounding has subsided. Gentle Blues play in the background begging me to give in and succumb to a much needed nap, but my eyes disobediently pop open again. Time is passing, the clock won't stop ticking and my hour to nap is now 15 minutes. I try, so hard to turn off the thoughts and go to sleep, but the question slips it's foreboding hand between the closing door and frame and pokes it's haunting head in and asks, "What have you done in these three years? The words come out from the monster's mouth and I try harder to shut them out, voices screaming in the background, "You've failed! You're a failure. Everything you hoped and dreamed for came to nothing, you are nothing."
"Stop! Stop, stop, stop, please stop," I sob back at him.

But really, I wonder as I sit up, even more weary than when I lay down, What was it all for? I can't speak fluent Chinese, I had more friends on my short term trips to China than when I moved here, my body is literally rejecting Chinese food and my organs are shutting down in protest, my patience is shot, and I haven't gotten to share Jesus with anyone in a long time- at least not in the traditional sense of a walk down the Romans road… What was the point? I came to serve and I feel like instead I've been poured out. And then some.  So what's the point? My mind goes to Philipians 2:

12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed--not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence--continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 

13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. 

14 Do everything without complaining or arguing, 

15 so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe 

16 as you hold out the word of life--in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. 

17 But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. 

18 So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

That's the point. The working out of our salvation. That and leading others to obedience, and when I'm honest with myself, even in my shortcomings, I know that God- being rich in mercy- has used me countless times to lead others to obedience to Him, and that's what's important. Never with any sort of proof that I ever had anything to do with it, lest I should boast, but a quiet rejoicing at the many who follow Christ more faithfully- as a work of the Spirit.

I have been questioned and put down because I have not been "Spirit-busy" enough these past few years, and this has added fuel to the fire of my own disappointment of not "do-ing enough", but I've learned so much more about "be-ing". So now I boast not in myself, but that Christ lives in me and works in me to do His own good pleasure and now I sit, head- lifted, with the quiet assurance that these years have not been wasted, but have been seed-planting, watering days and the harvest is coming in due season. My heart rejoices.

Maybe you question your purpose or value where you are right now. I would encourage you with Paul's words, and I love how the NIV says it, "…so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life…"