Gladly Would I Leave Behind Me

 Gladly would I leave behind me all the pleasures I have known to pursue surpassing treasures at the throne of God the Son. Worthy of unending worship, love and loveliness is He. By His precious death were millions from the jaws of death set free.

 Gladly would I give to Jesus all affection, everything- for the washing of His mercy makes my ransomed heart to sing. Holy, Holy, is the chorus rising up from those who see Christ exalted, bright and burning, full of power and purity.
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My heart is sad as I write this post. For several reasons.

I just bought the new album From Age to Age by Sovereign Grace Music- great stuff- I've had the second half of the album (starting at Glorious Christ) on repeat for most of the day. My heart has been refreshed, reminded, and renewed in hope. The last two days I've found myself on the verge of tears out of sheer awe and humility before the sight of such a holy God's love for me and awesome power. I find myself almost contemplating skipping my next class to sit with Him, lost in worship, not wanting anything to pull me out- just to stay there, in awe, speechless, completely unable to express with words what I feel in my heart of gratitude, love, and utter humility before God.

This morning though, as I walked to school with my bag of niu rou bao and cha ji dan swinging in one hand and travel mug of steaming hot Dunkin Donuts (brewed at home) in the other, my heart felt heavy. The song Gladly Would I Leave Behind Me came on. My initial response was, "Of course, Lord, You know I would gladly give you whatever You ask- we've had this conversation so many times, You know my heart!" But something caused me to start the song over again and really process each word and the gravity of singing such words to a righteous God.

I began to think about the last five years or so (Mostly the last two, but I did some comparing to past years). I thought about my life in China, how I so gladly gave up a familiar country, culture, language, and daily culinary experiences to move to a foreign country, and culture to learn a difficult language, and not get the special favorite foods that I crave sometimes on a daily basis. I gave up a lot to be where I am at today; I should be able to sing this song with gusto- at least more heart-felt than the average American Christian- after all, I haven't just sung it, I've done it in a very real way.

As I listened again, this time more critically and purposefully, I felt tears welling up in my eyes. This time the tears weren't because of adoration, they were tears of knowing just how much more I have to let go of. Yes, I would gladly pursue the surpassing treasures at the throne of God, and yes, my heart screams out, "Holy, holy, holy, are You, Lord, God Almighty!" Over and over again it sings and cries out, unable to sing loud enough, unable to express fully how much honor and glory is due His name. The chorus goes on:

Where else can I go? Jesus, You're the One that I was made to know. What else can I do? Jesus, You're my all I gladly run to.

My instantaneous response to hear these words was, "How can we ask that as though our hearts aren't tempted to run away from the sacrifice at every step or corner!" My heart sank as I thought of the many places and things I could go to or do that would prove my words vain and meaningless.

The third verse says:

Gladly would I flee temptations for their troubles fill my life. Turn and seek my gladdened Savior for His goodness satisfies. Earthly treasures all are passing, thieves break in and rust destroys, but in God are awesome splendor, love and lasting joys

Yes, we know this. Many of us have grown up on these words. "Moth and rust decay the earthly treasures, lay up for yourselves treasure in heaven", yet we live for earthly pleasures. Though we don't call them this, we live for family, job, financial stability, social status, acceptance, and approval. Gladly would I flee temptations, really? Would you really flee temptation? What if that temptation came in the form of your family? Would you flee them? Would you be able to turn your back if God said, "Come away with me to an unfamiliar land that I will show you." Without even knowing your destination, could you say to them, "I don't know where I'm going, or what I'm going to do when I get there, but I have to leave you all now, I love you, but I can't stay here." Would you flee temptation if it was someone in your family saying those words to you? Could you let them go? Would you flee temptation if it came in the form of financial stability in a new job that promised a stable paycheck and good hours, but caused your relationships to suffer? Would you flee temptation if it came in the form of hearing your family give their blessing on your life, choice of spouse, job, or country of residence?

Gladly would I give to Jesus all affection. Even the affection you desire to have towards a spouse (someday for me!) or child (again, we all know this…someday, someday…)? Would you give Him a few extra minutes in a day? Would you give up your soft bed and a good night's sleep if that was your affection?  Would you sacrifice the comforts of a modern home without complaint if it meant bending over so you cooked, every night, hunched over in a way that caused your back to cramp? What if it meant taking a bus instead of a taxi to work- would you give it up, or would your friends have to say they wished you would take the taxi so you stopped complaining about the inconvenience?

Gladly would I leave behind me all the pleasures I have known.  Really? Leave behind? Not looking back, lest you, like Lot's wife, become crippled by your affection for what you were leaving. Leave behind the comfortable sleeping schedule, the free weekends to go shopping for clothes, jewelry, electronics, or appliances that aren't really needed? Leave behind the traditional church services to pursue passionate, real-life, transparent times of worship and confession with people we aren't afraid to share our hearts with? Could you really do that?

So, Where else could we go? We go to Kohls to stock up on some inexpensive, but still trendy, pretty good quality pieces that we'll just end up replacing in a few months- excusing the excessive spending by reminding ourselves that we always send our old clothes to the orphans in Haiti or the Dominican Republic. Has it ever crossed our minds to go to Kohls to buy the orphans in Haiti or the DR the inexpensive, but still trendy, pretty good quality pieces?

Where do we go? To church where we can look good to our fellow Christians by singing, lifting our hands in worship and maybe even shedding a few tears during the music, adding a few head nods and amens throughout the sermon, and taking impeccable notes that we'll never actually read again, because it proves to everyone around us that we are paying attention in church and value what we're hearing. We ask, "How are you doing, sister, I mean really?" and find our minds wondering to what we'll eat for lunch after we leave, or run through our to-do list for the week, while our brother or sister actually starts to pour out a little bit of their hearts. We warmly tell them, "I'll be praying for you in that situation" and walk away wondering what it was we were supposed to be praying for. Our appearance impeccable, but our hearts holding on to the familiar, fear gripping at every corner if we stepped out of our comfort zone.

What else could we do? Fill our days with extra classes and pursue further education because, "Society demands it these days, you can't get a job anymore without a Master's degree!" Fill our free moments by catching up on our favorite TV series' because, "I finally have 'me' time". We join or single's or married couple's groups, because it's nice to be around people our age and time of life, forgetting that we could have an invaluable impact on someone outside of "our group". Our conversations are filled with, "what happened at work this week" stories, and "did you see that Packer's game Saturday night? I can't believe that ref recalled that final touchdown for an offsides call, he wasn't even close!" (I use the Packers because they really are the only NFL team worth mentioning. :P ). Yet, we don't consider talking about the nitty gritty of the struggles or temptations we faced that week. We don't just sit in awe and wonder of our Creator.

Now, I by no means want to clump all professing believers together to label them as insincere. I do not believe that every person that has ever asked me how I was really doing, checked out 5 seconds into the conversation and really didn't care- on the contrary, I have been greatly blessed by the body of Christ and have felt the warmth and sincerity or those truly committed to Christ and furthering the kingdom. The last thing that I want is for this blog to make it seem that I have a seared view of Christians or harbor bitterness to any situations that I have been in or observed around me. Again, I have been blessed to be exposed to some really solid churches and people.

I began this post by saying, "My heart is sad". It's sad because I know my own struggles to remain faithful to God. I know my own weaknesses and the vivacity in which I sing songs like, Gladly Would I Leave Behind Me, and walk away feeling good about my recommitment and worship to God, but missing the question that Jesus is really asking. He doesn't want my words, He doesn't want my sincerest musical offering. He wants my heart, and as long as I am enamored with the things that will not pass with me into eternity, He does not have the whole thing.

So ask with me, "Will it pass into eternity?" As a friend and mentor recently reminded me, not even marriage passes with us into eternity- not even your spouse will pass on with you! How much better could our time be spent? What would truly full surrender look like?

As long as I am enamored with the things that will not pass with me into eternity, He does not have the whole thing.

 Oh Abba, that I would give up those earthly things that so easily enamor and distract from You. For You are worthy of all praise and all my heart! That I not look back, wishing for the comforts of my world, but step by step, eyes forward, walk in faith, hand in hand with You until we reach the Promised Land.

A Whirlwind of a Trip

Warm winds, blue skies, clear sunshine, fresh air, white beaches, and green mountains…summer in the middle of winter <3
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So a quick update as to how my recent trip to Thailand went. First, I have to give you the background of the whole thing:

I received an invitation to help run a children's program at a conference in Thailand back in October. I really wanted to go, but I really didn't see how I could afford the trip as I'm still paying back my trip to the States from last summer. However, I started praying about it- asking that if the Lord wanted me to go, He would provide for it.  November came around and I still hadn't committed fully to going for fear that I wouldn't have the funds. A friend came to me near the middle of November and stated that they were going to pay for my trip to Thailand. At first I said, "Absolutely not"….and they assured me I would come around and be able to accept the gift. As I pondered whether or not to accept such an extravagant gift, the Lord reminded me that I had been praying for such a miracle.
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Three months later…

I was so happy to be leaving the cold, polluted Xiamen air. We got into Macau around 9pm and made our way to our hotel for the night- our flight had been changed and we had an overnight layover +6 hrs the next day, so we planned to sleep late and explore the next day- which we did. It was a super laid back day, but good as our last week in Xiamen was a bit tense.
Flew into Bangkok the following evening and, upon arrival of our second hotel, went out in search of mango sticky rice and pad thai. Which we found and devoured. It was so. good. We met up with our team the following morning to leave for the conference we were volunteering at.

Four hours later, I was stunned to be in a five star resort that had a massive swimming pool (complete with water slide and a waterfall) and we jumped into team meetings. This place was absolutely gorgeous! The air fresh, the skies a flawless blue, and the greens richer than I remember ever seeing before. It was heaven in winter. The first meeting/mixer was a bit rough, but dinner made up for the stress of figuring out logistics. The food at the place, oh my, the food was just too good. I can't even think of a word for how good this food was. Meal times, though normally a highlight of my day, became almost a sole event of the day. I almost lived for those meals. (I think I gained weight while there…. :)

The following day, we dove in head first to the kids program. I had the privilege of working with 8-9 beautiful, intelligent 7-11 year old foreign children (aka Not Asian). Over the course of the week I was able to build relationships with these kids who are living all over Asia with their families. It was a privilege and a joy to see how God used this week to encourage and build them up. Over all, though a bit exhausting, running around with 7-11 year olds, it was a blast! There were only two afternoons that we had to run a program so the remaining afternoons were spent by the pool catching a few rays, or taking a day trip into the neighboring city of Hua Hin. Over all though, God really used this week to speak to me about repentance, redemption, surrender, leadership, and courage. I will expound more on these points in later blogs- I don't want to overwhelm ya'll in this one… :)

We left the resort one week after arriving and drove back to Bangkok. After a terrifying set of taxi rides, we made it to the main market street and bought our bus tickets down to Koh Samui and did some, what I call, blitz shopping (aka running into a stall and bargaining and purchasing something in less than 5 minutes). After a very long overnight bus to Surathani, we waited for 2 hours for the bus to the ferry where we had a 1 and a half hour ferry to the island.

The waters of Koh Samui were simply stunning, varying between an emerald green and turquoise blue. It was incredibly hot as the sun is so intense that close to the equator, but it felt good. Especially on winter skin.
I never remember just how much of a Florida girl I am until I'm deprived of four main key items: Alligator jerky, Key Lime anything, sun, and beaches. When I don't have access to these, I am not a happy camper. Koh Samui gave me two of those fore necessities, so I was pretty happy…about as happy as a camel in a drought!

Sunday afternoon after arriving, and Monday were spent in the sun on the beach, eating green curry at a beachside restaurant, and freshly grilled corn on the cob, chicken, prawns, and spring rolls from a beach vendor. So good.

Tuesday we went on a sea safari, which was basically amazing. It consisted of a 1 hour boat ride to Anthong National Park (a group of islands in the Gulf of Thailand) to go snorkeling, hiking to a green lagoon, kayaking, relaxing on a beach, eating lunch, sight-seeing from the boat, and back to the main island for a short elephant ride. An absolute experience of a life time! (Also more on some of these adventures later)

Wednesday was a half beach day, half motorbike/cooking class day. I had the unique opportunity to take a cooking class at the Samui Institute of Thai Culinary Arts! It was definitely an awesome experience. I got to experiment with some native Thai ingredients and cooked three dishes: Green Curry with Chicken, Chicken Pad Thai, and Coconut Lime Chicken Soup. All of which were simply amazing. Especially the soup- I was kind of surprised by how savory it was!

Thursday we got up super early (aka 4:30am) to taxi back to the ferry to the bus, to the taxi, to the train station, to Bangkok. We got adventurous and took a train for the first time in Thailand- I've had bad experiences with every bus in Thailand so far, so Ray and I decided to see if taking a train would be a little less traumatizing- it was. It was wonderful, and we got to see so much more of the Thai countryside as we were traveling during the day and were not confined to a highway. It was definitely a good experience.

We flew out of Bangkok around 3 am, only to arrive exhausted back in Macau for another 8 hour layover. After getting kicked out of baggage claim (after mean lady number 3 woke us up), we went to the Hard Rock Hotel in hopes of finding breakfast. Apparently Macau does not believe in breakfast because we could only find one place that served breakfast. And boy was it worth every Macau Pataca it cost! There was an omelet station, rosemary and sausage roasted potatoes, smoked ham, three different international cheeses, blueberry and cheese brioche, cinnamon brioche, about 6 different types of bread, coffee, tea, grapefruit juice, cranberry juice, cereal, fruit, unlimited tea and coffee (and that was only the western side of the buffet…. (and they gave us clean cutlery half way through the meal!!!!!) Over all, it was a little much needed, well deserved pampering after being up almost all night traveling. We explored the historic sights of Macau for the rest of the day and enjoyed one last western meal before heading to the airport to return to Xiamen…..only to have our flight delayed.

No worries, a few hours later I found myself all snuggled up in my Xiamen bed. No movement, no bumps, no headlights in my eyes, no turbulence, no mean ladies to wake me up. =)

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

"That's just the way it is, Joanna, you chose to move to China and to those of us still in the States, it's out of sight, out of mind."
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The first time I heard these words they stung so unbelievably badly I wasn't sure if I could handle the implications. Having lived overseas in China for two years now, I've actually gotten almost used to hearing the expression.

Feeling displaced in a foreign country and learning to cope and live in a new culture with new people and learn a new language, it would be so much more simple for me to take the easy road and return back to America as quickly as I came. However, I have not been called to live in America for this stage of my life, I have been called to China. I know I must stay, regardless the cost.

As I mull over recent conversations with friends and family in the States, I can't shake the expression:

Out of sight, out of mind.

I hear it over and over again in my head, "Why won't it go away??" I ask myself. The more I think about it, the more I wonder how many times this has been my approach to God.

Out of sight, out of mind.

When it's obvious that God is working, or I see Him saving the multitudes, or I see hundreds of campers responding to an invitation, it's easy to think, "Wow, God is so awesome!" When I am on a boat in the Gulf of Thailand speechless because of the beauty in front of me and think to myself, "And my God is so much more beautiful than all I see!" I can sit through a worship service and be awed by the power of my great God, and I can hear God speaking clearly through His word or in a powerful message at a conference.

But when all that is over, when all is said and done, do I sit in my room in the silence, when no on is around and think, "Wow, my God is so awesome, so beautiful, so powerful, so worthy of my praise"?

More often than not, when I am alone in the afternoons after a full morning of classes, I find myself despairing. Despairing over a lack of communication with those I love, despairing over a word that should have gone unsaid, or deed that I refused to do out of stubborn selfishness that should have been done. Despairing over my pathetic lack of faith in many situations, and despairing of hope that I will ever not have to teach for a living or have a family of my own some day. Somewhere in those afternoons, my focus changed. My eyes shifted and my sight was not fixed on the prize. My eyes were no longer on God and His beauty, but rather the facts of life around me.

There was a shift from Truth to fact. I allowed my reality to be dictated by the circumstances around me rather than asking Truth what He wanted me to learn about Him through the situations. When I looked away from Truth, I forgot Truth. When I forgot Truth, I despaired. In an instant, I went from praising to mourning. Truth got smaller and I got bigger- so did the circumstances.

For even a moment, He became out of sight, out of mind

How tragic! How tragic it is that we can lose focus of our Redeemer, Savior, and Friend! How tragic that we could forget about our God, the Creator the Universe! How tragic that our one true Companion and Father could be invisible to us in just a moment! One moment of letting our guards down, one moment of thinking that we can stand on our own, one moment of wanting rest from the struggle… In one moment He becomes out of sight, out of mind.

Even as I write this, tears come to my eyes. I have felt the sting of the reality of this phrase and I have learned how to be seen. I have experienced the beauty of being seen and accepted, I have felt the warmth of pure love overflowing in the body of Christ and experienced sweet fellowship with those I am proud to call family. But I have had to work for it. It has not been easy, it's a journey- trial and error and more times than not I am afraid I am closer to the error side of things than the positive. But Jesus already did the work to be seen. He already came, He's already made Himself known. He's put out the greatest effort there has ever been to get our attention! And yet, still, in a moment we find Him,

Out of sight, out of mind

Oh that we would fix our eyes on Jesus, never wavering. With our shield of faith always protecting against the arrows of the evil one. That we would brandish our swords of truth with boldness to fight off our enemy and clear all the rubble and brush out of the way to have a clear view of the One who gave His life that we might glorify Him forever! So we might never be able to say His beauty, His face, His glory, His majesty, His love, His conviction, His Spirit could or would ever be

Out of sight, out of mind.

Just Another Night...

After more than two years in China and trips to 6 countries, I thought I was pretty prepared for pretty much anything that I might see around town…
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So it was after 8pm and I was hungry, my roommate was hungry, and I was craving barbecued eggplant. The do this wonderful thing where the stick a whole eggplant on the grill and just smoke the living daylights out of it. Turning it every few minutes, brushing on seasonings and oil, and after it looks like it's dead, they slice it open and smother it with more seasonings and heaps of garlic. Then they give it to you and you die of scrumptiousness. (I don't even know if that's possible, but for the sake of you realizing how amazing this is, let's say it's possible.)

We decided to go down to the old fisherman's village turned tourist trap to get the qiezi and decided to walk around for a while to decide what else we wanted to eat. We ended up with Thai green curry and these awesome skewers with bunches of green/red peppers and string mugua (mushrooms that I'll actually eat) wrapped in bacon and smoked over hot rocks and then lightly fried and brushed with sauce and dusted with spice… but in the process of all this had a great walk through the village.

I love walking through that village when it's not overrun by tourists and tonight it was pretty dead (remember that word). Nonetheless, I heard the ear-piercing horn of a motorbike trying to get through the narrow alley. I could feel the contents from the back of the bike within millimeters of brushing my elbow and looked down only to muffle a cry out.
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I had looked down to the back of the bike that literally almost hit my elbow/shoulder bag only to see a pig face glaring back at me. No. Not a pig. Not the whole thing, I would have SO preferred to see the whole pig. I'll even take a pig stepping on my foot over the face of a dead pig (with a little bit of neck skin), complete with tongue sticking out of crooked, nasty, yellowed teeth. I stopped and stared for a minute as the driver proceeded into a crowed and almost hit a couple other people and heard cries of "Gamahh!" and "Whaa!". I was glad I wasn't the only one recovering from a small dose of shock at the face. Pretty sure I'm going to see that face in a nightmare or something tonight.

That one I was NOT prepared for.
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We're walking home and I look up to see this creepy, well-dressed vendor lady standing there raising her eyebrow at me like she wants me to come buy something. Something about feeling like a woman is flirting with you, though, kind of turns you off from buying anything from them.

We turned the corner onto a dark back road and I kept looking over my shoulder to make sure that she wasn't following us or sending someone to follow us. A bike rider went by, talking loudly into his hands-free phone. We turned onto the next deserted, but more well-lit street only to have a van stop by us. Like the kind where you get ready to run or fight because it's just creepy? So my roommate is staring/glaring at this van as we walk on (mind you, the driver is paying us NO attention), when I look over and a black car is passing us, repeatedly opening and closing a door- while driving… That was the point where I gave up feeling like there was a shred of normalcy in the evening out. (Amazed that it took that long?)
There are nights where everything you see can only be summed up with one word: bizarre.

Aanndd such is the life of living in China. Where any given thing can happen at any given time and it's okay. It doesn't have to have a reason, it just is.

So, pig face fresh in my mind, I sign off to have sweet dreams of piglets growing up to be butchered and paraded around town on the back of a motorbike…Sweet dreams, my fellow sojourners, sweet dreams.

I'm Obsessed!!!! (The Prologue)

Apparently I could not just leave it at I'm Obsessed!!!! (Part 2)… So here is how He has been stirring since the initial kindling of flame in my head and heart.
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Well, another month later, He still has me at it- pondering what a Christ-driven life looks like. You know what they say, a lot can happen in a month! And, as always in China, a lot has happened.

It really doesn't matter how you look at it, either something is up with work or VISAs or friends or family- it seems there is always some dramatic shift happening in my life.  Such as it is when you surrender to the workings of the Almighty One in China…He makes sure there is never a dull moment. That kind of takes me to my point this post.

Once we give up our obsessions, what do we have left? When we no longer have a dream or goal to work towards and to stay up at night planning for, what's the point? Where's the destination? If I don't have a plan, how do I do…well…anything?

As much as I hate to plan what I'm going to do on a given day- especially when I'm on a break or vacation, I've learned that I'm totally lost if I don't have some sort of plan cooked up. I attribute my superb plan-making skills to my mother who was a list queen. Lists for everything: Weekly menus, Wal-mart lists, Lehigh lists, Ft. Myers lists, Ada's lists, mall lists, cleaning lists, packing lists- sometimes the lists were in categories of one list! For instance a Shopping List: might include three or four of the above mentioned lists, categorized and underlined! My mom is an insanely organized woman- which I totally respect and credit for my well-put-together-catagorized-color-coded life. She would tell you, if you asked, that all the lists was just to make sure she didn't forget anything, but I think it's just that she likes order and found a way to accomplish that and maximize her time to reach her fullest productivity levels in a given day- another thing I admire.

I am totally fine with a well-put-together-catagorized-color-coded life, but it seems that Someone else has called me to something more than that. Doesn't He call us all to more than that? But what? What, if not the most informed, well thought out plans to serve Him does He want from us?

Now great crowds accompanied Him and He turned to them and said, If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear His own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple.                   Luke 14:25-27

These verses have haunted me since my junior year in high school when I first realized the implications that Jesus makes here. I tried so hard to find a way around them, I made excuses, I said it was impractical, I said it was more or a pictorial image than a reality. While I don't ask for revelations about my future and how things will work together, at least let me be secure in my family.  And still I read things like,

"Paul, a bondservant of Jesus Christ…"

"Paul and Timothy, bondservants of Jesus Christ…"

 "James, a bondservant of Jesus Christ…."

"Jude, a bondservant of Jesus Christ…" 

What is a bondservant and why am I so stuck on this term? I believe 100% that it carries the key to purpose in our lives. I think it's the missing link for Christians who are burnt out, questioning why, looking for purpose, feeling useless or unappreciated, and despairing.

"bond·serv·ant

ˈbändˌsərvənt/

noun

noun: bondservant; plural noun: bondservants; noun: bond-servant; plural noun:bond-servants

1. 1.

   a person bound in service without wages.

   • a slave or serf.

       

Are you willing to believe the implications of this definition? It's actually the kindest one out there…the least details and most straight forward. The other definitions included, "With no regard to personal desires or cares". Imagine a world where we didn't life according to our own whims and desires. Imagine a world where we literally gave up whatever, whenever. What if we took away the Phone a Friend or Ask the Audience options in life. What if we went straight to God with our questions instead of our trusted counselors, pastors, and family members? Don't get me wrong, there is wisdom in council- Proverbs says so. I have counselors and mentors that I respect greatly and do go to for council and drink in their God-given wisdom. I'm not knocking that.

My point is, our lives have not been given to us so that we can make a great plan that makes everyone around us happy. Our lives aren't always family-friendly, we don't always have an answer when people ask, "So what's next?" or "Do you want to get married eventually?" or "Do you ever plan to go back to the States?"
No, once we've made the decision to follow Christ- we choose to become slaves for life- we give up all rights and desires. We give up the authority we thought we once had on all our decisions. Quite frankly, it really doesn't matter what our preferences are, what we want, what we aspired to be. We give all that up at the moment we say, "I choose You to be my Master, I want to be safe in Your employment".

So why are we discontent and frustrated today, Christians? Because we are still trying to run the show. We are clinging on to the authority that we already gave away. We are deceitfully going out and living the double life while under employment of the Master.

The secret to a life of freedom? Bondage.

Bondage to the One Who makes all things new. Bondage to the One Who sets the captives free and breaks the chains that enslave us to self and death. Bondage to the One Who gives freely and only asks for our loyalty and sincerity of heart. Would such devotion be too much to give the One Who gave all? How much more proof of His love do we need before we realize His trustworthiness and truly abandon our evil ways and hold fast to His security and conform to His standards?

How much, indeed.

Jesus Calling

It was my first real daily Bible study that I ever actually wanted to commit to doing every day. It was different from any of the other more regimented studies I had tried. This one seemed to call out to me saying, "Come away with Me. Come, sit in My Presence and just bask in My beauty and glory! My Love for you is such that you can never comprehend fully, but lay down your defenses and come let Me love you."
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"I AM PREPARING YOU for what is on the road ahead, just around the bend. Take time to be still in My Presence so that I can strengthen you. The busier you become, the more you need this time apart with Me. So many people think that time spent with Me is a luxury they cannot afford. As a result, they live and work in their own strength - until that becomes depleted. Then they either cry out to Me for help or turn away in bitterness.

How much better it is to walk close to Me, depending on My strength and trusting Me in every situation. if you live in this way, you will DO less but ACCOMPLISH far more. Your unhurried pace of living will stand out in this rush-crazed age. Some people may deem you lazy, but many more will be blessed by your peacefulness. Walk in the Light with Me, and you will reflect Me to the watching world." 

                                                                                                ~ Jesus Calling, Sarah Young

I read these words a year ago and then again today, what I did not realize was the journey that God was going to take me on to teach me stillness this year. I told many of you that I strongly believed that He wanted me to be still this year and take a more "passive" approach to work.  Instead of working crazy hours to earn as much money as I could, I felt distinctly that He wanted me to be content with a smaller pay check, trusting Him to provide for the needs, and spend more time in solitude, studying and meditating on His Word.

This year has brought many joys and trials, fears and fears broken asunder, I have seen many victories and experienced what felt like defeat. Through each of these moments in the past year I have been keenly aware of a bigger picture- a God who actually desires a relationship with me. A God who really does not care about my performance and does not ask me to be perfect so He can show off His glory through my good works- no, this is blasphemy. He wants a relationship of stillness and peace.

My whole life I wanted to show my Father how much I loved Him by doing everything He asked of me- everything the Bible said. I did not just want to get by to just obey, but I wanted to go above and beyond all that to make sure He knew just how much I loved Him. But, in all my frantic efforts to show my love to Him, I was missing all His quiet whispers of love to me. I made the relationship about me and my love, rather than the Creator of Love and His everlasting, unconditional love.

As I learned to sit quietly and reflect on His Word, the world began to come alive around me. Many of these times of quietness happened on my balcony overlooking the South China Sea and the water, with the sun gleaming on it, literally seemed to turn to a sea of gold just screaming out of God's glory and majesty! A glory and majesty He does not need anyone to prove, it just is. I looked down on beaches crowded with people and started to become keenly aware of the work that He is doing in them, the streets filled with people whom He has not forgotten.

You see, my whole life was focused on how I could further the Kingdom, impact eternity, or do wonderful things for Christ that maybe someone would publish a book about someday and that book would go on to inspire thousands of young women to live with abandon for Christ. While the idea in my head seemed so wonderful at the time, the more I pursued that dream, the more frustrated I became in my pursuits to prove that I loved God. The more frustrated I became, the more I wondered if any of it was worth it anymore. The more I wondered if anything was worth it, the more I heard Jesus calling out to me.

It is really amazing how when come to the end of ourselves we start to hear His whispers again, isn't it? I am so thankful for my journey this year. It has been an incredibly painful year, but truly, what beautiful scars I have to "reflect Me to the watching world"!

Through the Fire

How do we handle disappointment?
How do we handle frustration or let down?
How do we go on when after we realize those we cared the most about have walked away?
..........................

I am a relational person- that is who God created me to be.

I care deeply,
I love deeply,
I hurt deeply

The problem with feeling so deeply is that sometimes I care so deeply I feel like I am just bleeding from the inside out and I can get so discouraged I feel like there is no point in going on.

Just a few days ago I told my roommate that I had decided to try not caring for a while. In my mind I thought, "Just a week, I want to not care for just a week. I want to know what it feels like, I want to know how much freedom it would bring me- to stop caring."

What you don't know is that I started writing this blog entry in February but was never able to finish it. Here, 10 months later I found myself struggling with the very same temptations. Victory comes in waves, life comes in hills. Up and down, but now will I focus on the ebb and the valley or will I fix my eyes on the prize of Jesus Christ?

Look at Daniel. Wow, what an awesome example of a life of ebb and flow, up and down. Daniel's "mountain top" experiences came with his time of prayer and worship in obedience. His "valley" came in a fiery pit. Talk about walking through the fire…literally. Daniel had a choice- he could look at that pit and say, "Well, I did my part, God, You failed me, where are Your promises now?" or, "…our God is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us out of your hand, oh king."

You know the story- Daniel chose the latter. How did God repay him? He let him burn in a fiery furnace and die, right? Nope. He rescued Daniel and his friends from the fire. Not only that, but look at how they came out- strong, unscathed by the flames. Stronger even, I submit, than when they went in to the furnace. Their faith was made sight. Not only did they believe that God was able to deliver, but based on that belief they walked forward, seeing the fire, feeling the initial heat.

My response to hurt is generally to learn from whatever it was that hurt me and protect myself as soon as I feel the heat in another situation. Sometimes I can see the fire, sometimes I just feel heat and I run. But what if I felt the heat and proclaimed God's power and sovereignty over it. What if I walked boldly into the fire and held on to the confidence that my God is able to deliver me from the burning fiery trial?

The diamond is only beautiful when put through the flame, dross is only brought up from the heat, and we only prove what we believe when the furnace comes.
The question is this: Will you believe that your God is able to deliver you, or will you, like I do so many times, run before you have a chance to proclaim His power and faithfulness?

Is your God who you say He is? Who do you say that He is? Maybe it is time to re-examine who He is according to His Word and deeds!

Be of good cheer, dear one, He is with you in the fire. <3