Silence

"Be silent, all flesh, before the LORD, for He has roused Himself from His holy dwelling."

~Zechariah 2:13
...........................


I was reading my devo the other day and it was about God meeting with us in the stillness of our souls. I read the devo and was like,

"Well, that was good and all, but if You wanted my soul to be still then why are You opening all of these old wound up and making chaos out of what I thought was a pretty well put together life?"

And I proceded on to the Scripture verses which were all great, of course, but did not feel quite as fulfilled and excited as I normally do after reading and meditating. However, something about the first passage I read stuck out to me. It was the passage from Zechariah.

It seriously bothered me for some reason. I could not figure out why God had roused Himself.

Was it from anger? Was it to bless? Was it to curse? Was it to obliterate the Israelites enemies????

I went to read the verse after verse 13, but there were none. It was a new chapter....talking about Joshua. When I saw it was not a continuation of verse 13 I got frustrated and gave up. I set my Bible aside and said,

"God, what in the world? Why did You not give a little more detail here. What were You doing? What got Your attention so much that You told ALL FLESH to be silent because You had roused Yourself? Hello, I need answers, and I need to know what You are doing. What in the world are You up to right now???? You cannot expect me to just sit here in silence because You got up. Can You at least give me a clue as to what is going on?

(As if I have a right to question how and why God chose to write the Bible. Seriously, who am I to question His authoring rights? Sigh...This is just a transparent moment for me to all of you of my regular conversations with my Daddy)

Anyways, it was like in that moment of rushing about in my soul that He seemed to touch the rushing waters with His finger and calmed my innermost being.  Suddenly I got it,

"Ohhhh, silence!!!!!! (as I was still talking to Him...) I get it! I do not have to know what, why, or how long....You just want me to be silent! I get it! Okay!!"

Almost instantly a song welled up inside of me so I grabbed my guitar and what came out is what I have posted below. Ignore the video, but I hope that the words can be of some encouragement to you as you learn to sit in silence with the Most Holy One.

It's been a year....

So it's been more than a year now and I'm just now getting to my "year anniversary" post....
So much has happened.
So much has been learned.
So much.
Too much?
...........................

I've had this blog on my mind for weeks now, trying to figure out just what I wanted/should put in my "I've been living in China for a year now" blog. I have made several observations about myself and how I view things differently now than I did a year ago.

1.) I saw a chicken walking around the other day on my way home from school and found myself staring at their feet thinking to myself, "I could be eating that right now...huh...That's kinda gross."

2.) I stare entirely too much. Everyone stares in China, it's just kind of what you do- if someone or something is interesting, random, funny, abnormal- you stare. And I find myself staring unashamedly, OFTEN.

3.) I have found that I no longer laugh and giggle and say, "Oh China..." About things that bother me or that I find ridiculous. I have caught myself complaining quite a bit lately and I am not so okay with that, but none-the-less it has been an observation I have made.

4.) I get annoyed if people say they can speak Chinese because they can say "你好" or "谢谢" Seriously. You can not speak the language if all you can say is "Hello" and "Thank you"....

5.) I get more excited when one of my students says that they are looking forward to class the next day than I do when they can spell a word correctly cause it means that they are actually thinking about coming to class again!!!

6.) My expectations in the classrooms have drastically changed. I want to see my kids understand love more than English. (The English always comes along in the end anyway :P )

These are just a few of the observations I have made lately, but I wanted to talk more about everything I have observed inside of me. Which is a lot, so I'll try to summarize... :)

I have been told by many people that I am like 90% different from who I was when I arrived in China a little over a year ago.

And it's true. I am quite different. I look different. I have a few new piercings (not brand new, Mom, don't worry, I haven't gotten any since you were here :) ), I have a tattoo, I have bleached high lights and for a time had cherry red streaks in my hair (And I'm getting ready to throw some blue in there). Yep, looking at me one might be quick to judge and say, "She has turned far from her roots".

That could not be further from the truth. In the last year I have had ample time to think, pray, seek, learn, glean wisdom, cry, and grow. It has not always been a pretty endeavor, or even a desired one, but it has been needed. I have been hurt and seen hurt. I have walked through dark valleys and witnessed heart wrenching things. I have cried and been cried on, I have encouraged and been encouraged, I have run away and been led back home, I have been active and learned to be still...

I have discovered such freedom here. I know, red flags being waved for some of you right now, but I do not mean freedom to go wild or be crazy or make stupid choices. I mean an incredible freedom with my Savior. He has taken me into a deeper more intimate relationship that has hurt and brought such an unquenchable joy at the same time.

I came afraid to serve Him. Afraid of disappointing people, afraid of letting people down, afraid of letting myself down, afraid of failure, afraid of what people would think about my every move, afraid of letting God down.

In my time here He has stripped away those fears leaving me bare before a holy, loving God. One who knows me already. One who knows my fears. One who knows my failures. One who loves me. One who accepts me. One who cares about me. One who will never leave.

If that does not motivate a person with love, I really cannot imagine what would.

When I came to China, I had a view of God as being an unhappy parent whose love needed to be earned. I felt like I could lose His approval, like I could lose His love, that I could make Him proud of me. And so I worked as hard as I could to earn all of that. I wanted Him to be happy with me, I wanted Him to be proud of me. I did not want to step out of His will for my life, I did not want to miss His "perfect will" for me. Most of my life I heard that I could make God angry with me and that I could make such a horrible choice that I would miss out on whatever He had planned for me. (When did I become more powerful than God though?)

I went about life judging the people around me. I saw "bad choices" and thought, "Wow, they must be living a miserable life right now", and, "Oh man, I hope I never make a choice as bad as THAT one, she just threw away her life!" and, "How can these people say they love God when they drink ALCOHOL?????"

What a pharisaical attitude I lived my life with. I am ashamed of it now, but I am so thankful knowing that there is now therefore NO condemnation on my former thoughts and beliefs. I am so thankful that God never loved or judged me the way I loved and judged my brothers and sisters in Him.

Casting all this aside, rebuking the spirit of unbelief, disunity, and dissension in my heart, I have found such freedom to love the lost, to love the broken, to love the unlovable. I have found such solace in His comforting words of justice, mercy, and grace in His Word. I have found new freedom to worship Him with all that is within me. I have found freedom to fall flat on my face before my Father, broken, needy, and repentant, but knowing that I am running to His arms where He will not cast me aside, but rather hold me close and wipe my tears and lead me on to a closer renewed relationship with Him.

This, THIS is where I almost burst into tears again in gratefulness for His abundant grace poured out in my life. I am astounded by His love towards me. I cannot fathom it, but I know it is all I need. I know that I am His child, a "Child of Grace" Held in is everlasting grip forever!

My Abba loves me and I my Abba. He loved not because I needed to be loved, but I love because He poured out His love when I was clueless and wrapped me up and called me His own.

There is a smidgen of what He has done in me since coming here, but I am so overwhelmed by gratitude and humbled by it that I thought it was time to stop hiding it, time to stop fearing what anyone who may or may not read this may think. I am done hiding what He is doing in me- it shrinks God to my size and grossly undermines the glory that He should receive. I am so thankful for His love. I am so thankful for His mercy. I am so thankful to be called His.

My Abba loves me and I my Abba.

May the Words of My Mouth...

Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.
Colossians 4:5-6
................................

I feel like this really does not need any more from me. No explanation or anything. But becuse I have a thing with words I guess I will continue. :P

I was reading in my devos this morning about being intentional about letting God direct my day. Slowing down, giving thanks, resting in the peace of His presence. All very good reminders, very timely and going right along with everything God's been teaching me these last couple of weeks. One of the verses that was sited in the devo was Colossians 4:2-

"Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving."

Which was great in light of what I was reading. Because of my insatiable curiosity I was prompted to continue reading through the chapter and came upon the two verses quoted above. Several things jumped out at me and I wanted to share them with you...

Toward outsiders: Walk in wisdom toward outsiders? Coming from such a performance based background, my first instinct was to slam on the bakes and say, "Wha??? I get the 'walk in wisdom' part, but do it for other people??" But there is no limit on this. It's not just for outsiders to see a difference in us, but it is the other way around. We walk in wisdom and as a result outsiders inevitably see it. 

The best use of the time: There are SO many things that we can do with out time. Lately I find myself toggling between spending an amazing amount of time in the word/study and talking with friends back home (both in China and the US) It's been a great few days of retreat for me. (apparently MUCH needed) While it has been most helpful to me, I find myself drawn to mindless things to do on the internet, whether watching the next episode of Psych, playing a relax game on Facebook (yes. Bubble Safari is surprisingly relaxing for me), or looking for the latest pins on Pinterest- I find myself intermittently spending a hours on these activities (if you combine all the time spent on each a day). While it is really great for me to actually have the time to spend doing all this, it is not the best use of my time right now. Wisdom says, "making the best use of your time".

Always: Let your speech always be gracious. There is no room for momentary slander, frustration taken out on someone in anger, criticism, destructive teasing, etc. Salt hurts, but it purifies. So also should our speech be purified. I tend to be very critical with my words and assessments of other- especially when I am in a place where there are SO many international styles (both external and internal) and I tend to be very quick to criticize (normally not very discreetly) things that I see or hear that I don't like. This is not always gracious, definitely an area to be improved upon. 

But how wonderful that the Father takes time to reveal His character to us, isn't it? How wonderful that the Spirit speaks to us in ways that are so clear and pointed! But we must be listening to Him. We must have eyes to see Him and ears to hear Him. What is getting in the way of your receiving Him today? 

Won't you join me in my quest to walk in wisdom continually and let my life be seasoned with grace? May His name be praised continually, for He has done great and marvelous things!

Battles of Trust

"I trust you, Jesus. I trust you, Jesus.
I trust you, Jesus. I trust you, Jesus."
.................................

Well now, I was going to wait another week to write this particular blog because I have a feeling I am going to have more to add to it, but I just can't not testify to His working these last few months- illustrated vividly in the last 5 days to me.

You know when you pray, "God, I wanna go deeper, take me deeper. I want to know you in a more intimate way than I ever have before- I want to know you. I want to love you with a purer love and I can't do that if I keep getting in the way. It's time to clean house again. Please, take the dross out. No matter what it is, or how hard it hurts, take it- I'm better off without it"? And then you go through life and think you see him changing you in little ways here and there, and think that's the "deeper" you've been praying for....but then something "big" happens and suddenly you're floundering wondering what is going on and "Why me? Why now?"and then about half-way through you realize, "Oh wait! This is taking me deeper. I prayed for this!"

Well I've been having quite a few of those moments lately. (I think this post is going to be longer than I expected now too...) But all these moments have one root that was revealed to me years ago- one that I thought I had pretty much gotten rid of, but the more I ask "deeper" the more I see how deep it goes. This is the root of worry in my life.

Many of my devo's from my new devo book "Jesus Calling" (Great stuff if you are looking for a phenomenal devo, btw) have been on trusting Jesus with our everything. The more I have read, the more I have been trusting. It's been great! It was encouraging us, every time a challenge came up to surrender and say verbally, "I trust you, Jesus" and continue on. Well, I've started making this a practice. It's helped a lot, actually- but I still find those random things that make my chest get tight and thoughts start reeling.

Ray and I were talking about worrying about situations and just not having faith in things we said we believed. About an hour later she had me read her devo for the day which identified worry as anti-worship. Think about that. anti-worship! The opposite of what we are to be giving God. That kind of jilted me and landed me in immediate repentance right then. And has had me meditating and battling for trust against worry for the last several days.

That being said, there are a number of instances this week that have spoken clearly of God's trustworthiness to me (as if He really had to give me reasons, yet in His grace He still does!) I wanted to share them with you. Though some of them may seem small and insignificant, they all scream His love, protection, and care for me.

First we have the flights out to Thailand- not a single problem, delay, squished flight, baggage trouble or anything. (and no delays is a big deal for a Xiamen flight) Then we have an unexpected delicious meal to cheer me up after leaving China. Popeyes and Ben 'n' Jerry's.

Once in Bangkok, we didn't know where we were going to stay and He provided that we were able to stay in a safe, clean hostel the first we came to! Our time in Bangkok was a blessed time for sure. I continually saw His hand of protection and provision the entire time. It just made me smile.

Then there were the bus tickets to Phuket. Cheaper than I was expecting. Another big blessing.
Somewhere on our 12 hour bus ride to Phuket I realized we had no idea where we were going to go in Phuket or where we were going to stay once we picked an area. So I started praying that He would guide us to the perfect place of retreat. Once we arrived at the bus station in Phuket Ray wanted me to choose our destination (which I hadn't heard God tell me where yet and didn't want to pick a place, but He wasn't inclined to put an arrow on the map so I just had to choose :P) And we get into this taxi and halfway there (after we had already paid) the taxi driver is like, "You don't want to go to Kata. You want to go to Karon-Kata. Much nicer. And just a little bit further. Let me take you there?" We were a little confused cause he wasn't going to profit any from the whole thing, but I remember my prayer and we said "Sure!" Then once we to there he drove us straight up to an awesome hostel and we got a room and it was perfect! (Notice a God-theme here?) The area He led us to was so amazingly NOT the creepy party part of town and we were able to have some amazing rest, retreat, and relaxation and retreat during the few days we were there.

Then there was our cleaning lady- I swear she waited in the hall for us to open the door with a "crisis" Whether it was ants crawling in my luggage, the toilet not working, or us needing towels for the beach. She was always there thinking of things before we did! I really sensed that God prepared a number of people for us to interact with while we were there- letting His light shine in the area. I believe He is going to start a work there and continue it.

The bus ride back. Sigh. Oh the bus ride. (are you even still reading? :P ) Hectic. Hair pulling out. Frustrating. Tear-drawing. Bus ride. Started out thinking we were going to get tickets the night before we were supposed to leave. The vendor told us to go back next day because the bus station was closed, but he guaranteed us tickets the next day. (We hadn't paid at this point)
Next day no tickets. Not cool. Panic ensued. We had a flight to catch 12 long hours away in Bangkok and no way to get there- no buses, no trains, no flights. Everything was full! So prayed again. "I trust you, Jesus"
And we took a taxi to the bus terminal where as soon as we opened the door a lady yells across the floor, "You want to go to Bangkok." (as a statement, like she already knew it, mind you) and gives us a price that is HALF of what we had been told, and was everything that we needed/wanted it to be. "I trust you, Jesus. Thank you."

Once we finally made it back to the airport in Bangkok, I remembered that I was not going to be able to go all the way back to Xiamen and therefore would lose the residual amount of my international ticket. So I casually asked if I could get a same day change on my ticket (Here's to working as an AMEX travel agent!!!!) To which (half an hour later) She changed my ticket for a whopping $25usd! (yeah, not $50 same day change for me!!!!!!!)
When we got on the plane, Ray was concerned that her guitar case (which was falling apart) would have to be checked and her guitar would be injured! I prayed for space on the plane and BAZINGA! There was space on the plane.
I was nervous there would be no room for my massive backpack on the plane and they would make me check it and I would be luggageless in Hong Kong for a week and SKADOOSH! There was ample room in the overhead compartment AND someone helped me lift it up. :P

On the bus ride last night (regardless of how I looked this morning, sigh) I had been battling (and I thought winning) the battle for trust. I had situation after situation popping up in my mind that were prompting worry or fear. As I listened to Chris Tomlin singing about how great our God is, I was prompted to say once again, "I trust you, Jesus" and as He brought thought, after thought, after thought to my mind I just had to say over and over and over again,

"Even this, I trust you, Jesus".

It's a battle and the war is not over, but even so, "I trust you, Jesus"

Praise Song to You

A song I wrote in January as I was sitting in my room listening to the ocean, looking out over the balcony at the sea- overwhelmed by His goodness and grace to us. As I pondered the truth that I grew up hearing, my heart was stirred. 

I started thinking about His mercy- literally walking the streets below me. I thought of His beauty rolling in on the beach in front of me and his gentleness blowing the hair across my forehead. I thought of His majesty in the trees waving their hands in the air and His power in the clouds rolling in across the sea. 

His grace...in a servant called by name sitting on the balcony looking on His creation, overwhelmed by our great God. 

How often do we really take time to observe His attributes in all we see, hear and feel? I was going to upload this with only sound, but my blog wouldn't allow it, hence the video- but how fitting for you to get to enjoy the view of His creation and character with the song just as I have gotten to! My prayer is that your heart be blessed and His name be glorified as you take a minute to meditate on His character.

Grace and Peace!

Stomach Full, Heart Full

Menu Friday-Saturday:
Dinner: Sweet 'n' Spicy Wings, Potato salad, Onion Rings, and Garden Medley Veggies with Carrot Cake for desert
Breakfast: Fluffy Pancakes, Sausage Hash, and Gingerbread coffee
(Come on! You know after reading that you at least kind of want to come visit me if for nothing else to eat like that!!)
........................................
Jess' eyes got big and I heard a big, "mMMm, THAT'S what potato salad is supposed to taste like!"

I squealed with delight as the onion rings came out perfectly- round, batter staying ON the onion, and golden brown.

The wings smelled sensational cooking my little oven, and the cream cheese frosting from my first carrot cake was still fresh on my taste buds.

Quite honestly, I think I out did myself last night. First time making really any of it, but I was able to enjoy the experience without any major freak out, "Oh my gosh, I cannot BELIEVE that just happened, what am I going to do??" moments. It was really nice actually. Best part was it was my major meal surprise for Ray, and I think I accomplished my goal: Success!

This morning I baked the other carrot cake so while I was preparing the onion and sausage potato hash, I had cinnamon wafting into my nostrils.

The pancakes are also the fluffiest pancakes I have ever experienced. It's not just eating them, no- it's like you put one in your mouth, but instead of a pancake, you have fluffy fluffiness. I have no idea how they got so fluffy, but I am definitely NOT complaining.

I was just getting ready to finish cooking my fluffy pancakes and start on the scrambled eggs when I realized the gas went out. No gas. It was gone. Tank empty. My stomach dropped. My heart stopped. I felt the most helpless feeling come over me. I shuffled in and told Ray the gas went out and she just looked at me and said, "Oh no". I couldn't believe she could be so calm about it- I felt like my life's blood had just been taken out of my body! Suddenly I started laughing at how dramatic I was being about it.... I guess I can be dramatic occasionally. :)

So why the random weekend of intense cooking?

Well I realized that this is actually the last weekend all of my roommates and I will be together for close to a month and I wanted to have a really special weekend together. But my heart got really sad when I thought about us all not being together for that long. And I started to think back on to all that we've been through together in the last 9 months and my heart just started overflowing with gratefulness to my Daddy for placing us together. For teaching us to grow together, for giving us courage for accountability and for humility to accept correction and rebuke.

As we face Chinese New Year and all the festivities that brings, my heart can't help but be stirred to greater humility and thankfulness for all that He has given me, all that He has done, and all that He is doing.

"Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come.
Let this blest assurance control-
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate
And has shed His own blood for my soul!
It is well, it is well with my soul!"

Cannot Close My Heart to Joy

They stare at me.
They judge me, my clothes, my hair, my music...etc
They take pictures.
They talk about me.
They don't listen to what I am telling them.
They think they know best, even though they don't have a clue.
They take advantage of me.
They just don't care.
..............................
Walking around a foreign country for any longish stay, these are some of the most common complaints I hear and experience floating around my head. Now, I probably love foreign countries, cultures, languages, etc more than the average person, but I do have my moments of weakness. This week was one of them.

Friday-Friday. Hands down the most challenging cultural week ever. Why? Small stuff really. Small stuff piling up on an already busy slightly stressed out Jo made for a nuclear melt-down half-way through the week. (And almost saw the demise of my cell phone down the elevator shaft...)
Friday. Seven long days ago. Friday I went to get a hair cut, fairly confident that it would go pretty well and while it might not be exactly what I wanted, at least it would be manageable. Get there and the place is closed and gutted. Brilliant. Now to trust my curly locks into the hands of a total unproven stranger? I think not. I've been working on trust though and thought, "Just how bad could one hair cut be, Jo? Give them a chance and be cool with whatever happens."
45 minutes later I walked out of the place, tears in my eyes, teeth gritted and tongue held.

Friday night. Over an hour on an over-crowded bus on over-crowded streets in an over-crowded city. People pushing into me and looking over their shoulders as if to say, "Get out of the way, foreigner!"

Saturday night. ANOTHER over-crowded bus on over-crowded streets in the same over-crowded city...(thought I would have learned from Friday night, right? Just wait till Sunday....) Frustration levels rising. Why do they think it is okay to yell in your ear when you have a headache? In fact, why is it ever okay to let your child scream on the bus while you laugh at them??

Sunday night. Yes, yet another over-hour bus ride. By this night I swore off long bus rides for a while. Tolerance level pretty much gone.

Monday. Shopping, shopping, shopping. Not so bad, but it could have been better. Long bus rides all alone. Sigh. All alone. Then end.

Tuesday taxi ride. I am so tired of taxi drivers looking at me in the rear view mirror as though I am a new specimen to dissect on our 45 minute twice a week ride home from the office. Seriously people? Rude.

Wednesday. Oh Wednesday. My mid-week crisis break down eruption day. The day I spent 3 hours trying to fix the unfixable phone. The day that I got on another crowded bus for another long bus ride with people yelling all around me. The day I got so angry at my phone I had to restrain myself from throwing the phone into the elevator as soon as the door opened or down the elevator shaft so I never had to look at it again. The day I ran into my room after throwing everything down and sobbing on my bed for 20 minutes. The day I realized I might be over-reacting to still being upset about my haircut and phone not working...Yeah. That day.

Thursday taxi ride. Why can't you just take me the easy way to where I am going? We all know you just chose the longest most annoying route possible. Seriously? Sigh.

Friday Fone day Take 2. Another 2 hours trying to fix my phone. Two hours to find out that you've been cheated, lied to, taken advantage of, laughed at, and yelled at. Then to go on to the next stop and have another yell at you in the same Chinese language that you still cannot understand as you throw your hands up and walk away in frustration and discouragement. This day could have gone on forever, but I want to stop here. I have something much more interesting and important I want to focus on.

Daddy has been teaching me so much about trust and learning to live with open hands, holding on to nothing. Today on my way back from the second lady yelling at me the song, Oh Love that will not let me go came on my iPod followed by Great is Your Faithfulness. 
I had to stop and think, "Huh, His love that will not let me go is enough. Even though I don't have my phone, even though I don't have my ticket to Hong Kong to get my visa, I have His love and it's enough." Followed by, "Wow, He is so faithful to me. Even when I lose my temper and wonder if I hate the place that I love that He placed me in! He is so faithful! I know that He will take care of all these details, cause I trust Him to because He loves me and will not let me go."
My attitude was changed instantly from frustration, hurt, and anger to sincere gratefulness and appreciation for all that my Jesus is. All He says, all He does, all that He orchestrates. My once tumultuous spirit was overcome with the peace that surpasses my understanding and I felt Him guarding my heart and soul. What a comfort, what a release, what and encouragement!

"Oh joy, that seeks me through the pain
I cannot close my heart to thee
I trace the rainbow through the rain
And feel the promise is not in vain
That morn shall tearless be"