"I trust you, Jesus. I trust you, Jesus.
I trust you, Jesus. I trust you, Jesus."
.................................
Well now, I was going to wait another week to write this particular blog because I have a feeling I am going to have more to add to it, but I just can't not testify to His working these last few months- illustrated vividly in the last 5 days to me.
You know when you pray, "God, I wanna go deeper, take me deeper. I want to know you in a more intimate way than I ever have before- I want to know you. I want to love you with a purer love and I can't do that if I keep getting in the way. It's time to clean house again. Please, take the dross out. No matter what it is, or how hard it hurts, take it- I'm better off without it"? And then you go through life and think you see him changing you in little ways here and there, and think that's the "deeper" you've been praying for....but then something "big" happens and suddenly you're floundering wondering what is going on and "Why me? Why now?"and then about half-way through you realize, "Oh wait! This is taking me deeper. I prayed for this!"
Well I've been having quite a few of those moments lately. (I think this post is going to be longer than I expected now too...) But all these moments have one root that was revealed to me years ago- one that I thought I had pretty much gotten rid of, but the more I ask "deeper" the more I see how deep it goes. This is the root of worry in my life.
Many of my devo's from my new devo book "Jesus Calling" (Great stuff if you are looking for a phenomenal devo, btw) have been on trusting Jesus with our everything. The more I have read, the more I have been trusting. It's been great! It was encouraging us, every time a challenge came up to surrender and say verbally, "I trust you, Jesus" and continue on. Well, I've started making this a practice. It's helped a lot, actually- but I still find those random things that make my chest get tight and thoughts start reeling.
Ray and I were talking about worrying about situations and just not having faith in things we said we believed. About an hour later she had me read her devo for the day which identified worry as anti-worship. Think about that. anti-worship! The opposite of what we are to be giving God. That kind of jilted me and landed me in immediate repentance right then. And has had me meditating and battling for trust against worry for the last several days.
That being said, there are a number of instances this week that have spoken clearly of God's trustworthiness to me (as if He really had to give me reasons, yet in His grace He still does!) I wanted to share them with you. Though some of them may seem small and insignificant, they all scream His love, protection, and care for me.
First we have the flights out to Thailand- not a single problem, delay, squished flight, baggage trouble or anything. (and no delays is a big deal for a Xiamen flight) Then we have an unexpected delicious meal to cheer me up after leaving China. Popeyes and Ben 'n' Jerry's.
Once in Bangkok, we didn't know where we were going to stay and He provided that we were able to stay in a safe, clean hostel the first we came to! Our time in Bangkok was a blessed time for sure. I continually saw His hand of protection and provision the entire time. It just made me smile.
Then there were the bus tickets to Phuket. Cheaper than I was expecting. Another big blessing.
Somewhere on our 12 hour bus ride to Phuket I realized we had no idea where we were going to go in Phuket or where we were going to stay once we picked an area. So I started praying that He would guide us to the perfect place of retreat. Once we arrived at the bus station in Phuket Ray wanted me to choose our destination (which I hadn't heard God tell me where yet and didn't want to pick a place, but He wasn't inclined to put an arrow on the map so I just had to choose :P) And we get into this taxi and halfway there (after we had already paid) the taxi driver is like, "You don't want to go to Kata. You want to go to Karon-Kata. Much nicer. And just a little bit further. Let me take you there?" We were a little confused cause he wasn't going to profit any from the whole thing, but I remember my prayer and we said "Sure!" Then once we to there he drove us straight up to an awesome hostel and we got a room and it was perfect! (Notice a God-theme here?) The area He led us to was so amazingly NOT the creepy party part of town and we were able to have some amazing rest, retreat, and relaxation and retreat during the few days we were there.
Then there was our cleaning lady- I swear she waited in the hall for us to open the door with a "crisis" Whether it was ants crawling in my luggage, the toilet not working, or us needing towels for the beach. She was always there thinking of things before we did! I really sensed that God prepared a number of people for us to interact with while we were there- letting His light shine in the area. I believe He is going to start a work there and continue it.
The bus ride back. Sigh. Oh the bus ride. (are you even still reading? :P ) Hectic. Hair pulling out. Frustrating. Tear-drawing. Bus ride. Started out thinking we were going to get tickets the night before we were supposed to leave. The vendor told us to go back next day because the bus station was closed, but he guaranteed us tickets the next day. (We hadn't paid at this point)
Next day no tickets. Not cool. Panic ensued. We had a flight to catch 12 long hours away in Bangkok and no way to get there- no buses, no trains, no flights. Everything was full! So prayed again. "I trust you, Jesus"
And we took a taxi to the bus terminal where as soon as we opened the door a lady yells across the floor, "You want to go to Bangkok." (as a statement, like she already knew it, mind you) and gives us a price that is HALF of what we had been told, and was everything that we needed/wanted it to be. "I trust you, Jesus. Thank you."
Once we finally made it back to the airport in Bangkok, I remembered that I was not going to be able to go all the way back to Xiamen and therefore would lose the residual amount of my international ticket. So I casually asked if I could get a same day change on my ticket (Here's to working as an AMEX travel agent!!!!) To which (half an hour later) She changed my ticket for a whopping $25usd! (yeah, not $50 same day change for me!!!!!!!)
When we got on the plane, Ray was concerned that her guitar case (which was falling apart) would have to be checked and her guitar would be injured! I prayed for space on the plane and BAZINGA! There was space on the plane.
I was nervous there would be no room for my massive backpack on the plane and they would make me check it and I would be luggageless in Hong Kong for a week and SKADOOSH! There was ample room in the overhead compartment AND someone helped me lift it up. :P
On the bus ride last night (regardless of how I looked this morning, sigh) I had been battling (and I thought winning) the battle for trust. I had situation after situation popping up in my mind that were prompting worry or fear. As I listened to Chris Tomlin singing about how great our God is, I was prompted to say once again, "I trust you, Jesus" and as He brought thought, after thought, after thought to my mind I just had to say over and over and over again,
"Even this, I trust you, Jesus".
It's a battle and the war is not over, but even so, "I trust you, Jesus"
Friday, February 22, 2013
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Praise Song to You
A song I wrote in January as I was sitting in my room listening to the ocean, looking out over the balcony at the sea- overwhelmed by His goodness and grace to us. As I pondered the truth that I grew up hearing, my heart was stirred.
I started thinking about His mercy- literally walking the streets below me. I thought of His beauty rolling in on the beach in front of me and his gentleness blowing the hair across my forehead. I thought of His majesty in the trees waving their hands in the air and His power in the clouds rolling in across the sea.
His grace...in a servant called by name sitting on the balcony looking on His creation, overwhelmed by our great God.
How often do we really take time to observe His attributes in all we see, hear and feel? I was going to upload this with only sound, but my blog wouldn't allow it, hence the video- but how fitting for you to get to enjoy the view of His creation and character with the song just as I have gotten to! My prayer is that your heart be blessed and His name be glorified as you take a minute to meditate on His character.
Grace and Peace!
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Stomach Full, Heart Full
Menu Friday-Saturday:
Dinner: Sweet 'n' Spicy Wings, Potato salad, Onion Rings, and Garden Medley Veggies with Carrot Cake for desert
Breakfast: Fluffy Pancakes, Sausage Hash, and Gingerbread coffee
(Come on! You know after reading that you at least kind of want to come visit me if for nothing else to eat like that!!)
........................................
Jess' eyes got big and I heard a big, "mMMm, THAT'S what potato salad is supposed to taste like!"
I squealed with delight as the onion rings came out perfectly- round, batter staying ON the onion, and golden brown.
The wings smelled sensational cooking my little oven, and the cream cheese frosting from my first carrot cake was still fresh on my taste buds.
Quite honestly, I think I out did myself last night. First time making really any of it, but I was able to enjoy the experience without any major freak out, "Oh my gosh, I cannot BELIEVE that just happened, what am I going to do??" moments. It was really nice actually. Best part was it was my major meal surprise for Ray, and I think I accomplished my goal: Success!
This morning I baked the other carrot cake so while I was preparing the onion and sausage potato hash, I had cinnamon wafting into my nostrils.
The pancakes are also the fluffiest pancakes I have ever experienced. It's not just eating them, no- it's like you put one in your mouth, but instead of a pancake, you have fluffy fluffiness. I have no idea how they got so fluffy, but I am definitely NOT complaining.
I was just getting ready to finish cooking my fluffy pancakes and start on the scrambled eggs when I realized the gas went out. No gas. It was gone. Tank empty. My stomach dropped. My heart stopped. I felt the most helpless feeling come over me. I shuffled in and told Ray the gas went out and she just looked at me and said, "Oh no". I couldn't believe she could be so calm about it- I felt like my life's blood had just been taken out of my body! Suddenly I started laughing at how dramatic I was being about it.... I guess I can be dramatic occasionally. :)
So why the random weekend of intense cooking?
Well I realized that this is actually the last weekend all of my roommates and I will be together for close to a month and I wanted to have a really special weekend together. But my heart got really sad when I thought about us all not being together for that long. And I started to think back on to all that we've been through together in the last 9 months and my heart just started overflowing with gratefulness to my Daddy for placing us together. For teaching us to grow together, for giving us courage for accountability and for humility to accept correction and rebuke.
As we face Chinese New Year and all the festivities that brings, my heart can't help but be stirred to greater humility and thankfulness for all that He has given me, all that He has done, and all that He is doing.
"Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come.
Let this blest assurance control-
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate
And has shed His own blood for my soul!
It is well, it is well with my soul!"
Dinner: Sweet 'n' Spicy Wings, Potato salad, Onion Rings, and Garden Medley Veggies with Carrot Cake for desert
Breakfast: Fluffy Pancakes, Sausage Hash, and Gingerbread coffee
(Come on! You know after reading that you at least kind of want to come visit me if for nothing else to eat like that!!)
........................................
Jess' eyes got big and I heard a big, "mMMm, THAT'S what potato salad is supposed to taste like!"
I squealed with delight as the onion rings came out perfectly- round, batter staying ON the onion, and golden brown.
The wings smelled sensational cooking my little oven, and the cream cheese frosting from my first carrot cake was still fresh on my taste buds.
Quite honestly, I think I out did myself last night. First time making really any of it, but I was able to enjoy the experience without any major freak out, "Oh my gosh, I cannot BELIEVE that just happened, what am I going to do??" moments. It was really nice actually. Best part was it was my major meal surprise for Ray, and I think I accomplished my goal: Success!
This morning I baked the other carrot cake so while I was preparing the onion and sausage potato hash, I had cinnamon wafting into my nostrils.
The pancakes are also the fluffiest pancakes I have ever experienced. It's not just eating them, no- it's like you put one in your mouth, but instead of a pancake, you have fluffy fluffiness. I have no idea how they got so fluffy, but I am definitely NOT complaining.
I was just getting ready to finish cooking my fluffy pancakes and start on the scrambled eggs when I realized the gas went out. No gas. It was gone. Tank empty. My stomach dropped. My heart stopped. I felt the most helpless feeling come over me. I shuffled in and told Ray the gas went out and she just looked at me and said, "Oh no". I couldn't believe she could be so calm about it- I felt like my life's blood had just been taken out of my body! Suddenly I started laughing at how dramatic I was being about it.... I guess I can be dramatic occasionally. :)
So why the random weekend of intense cooking?
Well I realized that this is actually the last weekend all of my roommates and I will be together for close to a month and I wanted to have a really special weekend together. But my heart got really sad when I thought about us all not being together for that long. And I started to think back on to all that we've been through together in the last 9 months and my heart just started overflowing with gratefulness to my Daddy for placing us together. For teaching us to grow together, for giving us courage for accountability and for humility to accept correction and rebuke.
As we face Chinese New Year and all the festivities that brings, my heart can't help but be stirred to greater humility and thankfulness for all that He has given me, all that He has done, and all that He is doing.
"Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come.
Let this blest assurance control-
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate
And has shed His own blood for my soul!
It is well, it is well with my soul!"
Friday, January 25, 2013
Cannot Close My Heart to Joy
They stare at me.
They judge me, my clothes, my hair, my music...etc
They take pictures.
They talk about me.
They don't listen to what I am telling them.
They think they know best, even though they don't have a clue.
They take advantage of me.
They just don't care.
..............................
Walking around a foreign country for any longish stay, these are some of the most common complaints I hear and experience floating around my head. Now, I probably love foreign countries, cultures, languages, etc more than the average person, but I do have my moments of weakness. This week was one of them.
Friday-Friday. Hands down the most challenging cultural week ever. Why? Small stuff really. Small stuff piling up on an already busy slightly stressed out Jo made for a nuclear melt-down half-way through the week. (And almost saw the demise of my cell phone down the elevator shaft...)
Friday. Seven long days ago. Friday I went to get a hair cut, fairly confident that it would go pretty well and while it might not be exactly what I wanted, at least it would be manageable. Get there and the place is closed and gutted. Brilliant. Now to trust my curly locks into the hands of a total unproven stranger? I think not. I've been working on trust though and thought, "Just how bad could one hair cut be, Jo? Give them a chance and be cool with whatever happens."
45 minutes later I walked out of the place, tears in my eyes, teeth gritted and tongue held.
Friday night. Over an hour on an over-crowded bus on over-crowded streets in an over-crowded city. People pushing into me and looking over their shoulders as if to say, "Get out of the way, foreigner!"
Saturday night. ANOTHER over-crowded bus on over-crowded streets in the same over-crowded city...(thought I would have learned from Friday night, right? Just wait till Sunday....) Frustration levels rising. Why do they think it is okay to yell in your ear when you have a headache? In fact, why is it ever okay to let your child scream on the bus while you laugh at them??
Sunday night. Yes, yet another over-hour bus ride. By this night I swore off long bus rides for a while. Tolerance level pretty much gone.
Monday. Shopping, shopping, shopping. Not so bad, but it could have been better. Long bus rides all alone. Sigh. All alone. Then end.
Tuesday taxi ride. I am so tired of taxi drivers looking at me in the rear view mirror as though I am a new specimen to dissect on our 45 minute twice a week ride home from the office. Seriously people? Rude.
Wednesday. Oh Wednesday. My mid-week crisis break down eruption day. The day I spent 3 hours trying to fix the unfixable phone. The day that I got on another crowded bus for another long bus ride with people yelling all around me. The day I got so angry at my phone I had to restrain myself from throwing the phone into the elevator as soon as the door opened or down the elevator shaft so I never had to look at it again. The day I ran into my room after throwing everything down and sobbing on my bed for 20 minutes. The day I realized I might be over-reacting to still being upset about my haircut and phone not working...Yeah. That day.
Thursday taxi ride. Why can't you just take me the easy way to where I am going? We all know you just chose the longest most annoying route possible. Seriously? Sigh.
Friday Fone day Take 2. Another 2 hours trying to fix my phone. Two hours to find out that you've been cheated, lied to, taken advantage of, laughed at, and yelled at. Then to go on to the next stop and have another yell at you in the same Chinese language that you still cannot understand as you throw your hands up and walk away in frustration and discouragement. This day could have gone on forever, but I want to stop here. I have something much more interesting and important I want to focus on.
Daddy has been teaching me so much about trust and learning to live with open hands, holding on to nothing. Today on my way back from the second lady yelling at me the song, Oh Love that will not let me go came on my iPod followed by Great is Your Faithfulness.
I had to stop and think, "Huh, His love that will not let me go is enough. Even though I don't have my phone, even though I don't have my ticket to Hong Kong to get my visa, I have His love and it's enough." Followed by, "Wow, He is so faithful to me. Even when I lose my temper and wonder if I hate the place that I love that He placed me in! He is so faithful! I know that He will take care of all these details, cause I trust Him to because He loves me and will not let me go."
My attitude was changed instantly from frustration, hurt, and anger to sincere gratefulness and appreciation for all that my Jesus is. All He says, all He does, all that He orchestrates. My once tumultuous spirit was overcome with the peace that surpasses my understanding and I felt Him guarding my heart and soul. What a comfort, what a release, what and encouragement!
"Oh joy, that seeks me through the pain
I cannot close my heart to thee
I trace the rainbow through the rain
And feel the promise is not in vain
That morn shall tearless be"
They judge me, my clothes, my hair, my music...etc
They take pictures.
They talk about me.
They don't listen to what I am telling them.
They think they know best, even though they don't have a clue.
They take advantage of me.
They just don't care.
..............................
Walking around a foreign country for any longish stay, these are some of the most common complaints I hear and experience floating around my head. Now, I probably love foreign countries, cultures, languages, etc more than the average person, but I do have my moments of weakness. This week was one of them.
Friday-Friday. Hands down the most challenging cultural week ever. Why? Small stuff really. Small stuff piling up on an already busy slightly stressed out Jo made for a nuclear melt-down half-way through the week. (And almost saw the demise of my cell phone down the elevator shaft...)
Friday. Seven long days ago. Friday I went to get a hair cut, fairly confident that it would go pretty well and while it might not be exactly what I wanted, at least it would be manageable. Get there and the place is closed and gutted. Brilliant. Now to trust my curly locks into the hands of a total unproven stranger? I think not. I've been working on trust though and thought, "Just how bad could one hair cut be, Jo? Give them a chance and be cool with whatever happens."
45 minutes later I walked out of the place, tears in my eyes, teeth gritted and tongue held.
Friday night. Over an hour on an over-crowded bus on over-crowded streets in an over-crowded city. People pushing into me and looking over their shoulders as if to say, "Get out of the way, foreigner!"
Saturday night. ANOTHER over-crowded bus on over-crowded streets in the same over-crowded city...(thought I would have learned from Friday night, right? Just wait till Sunday....) Frustration levels rising. Why do they think it is okay to yell in your ear when you have a headache? In fact, why is it ever okay to let your child scream on the bus while you laugh at them??
Sunday night. Yes, yet another over-hour bus ride. By this night I swore off long bus rides for a while. Tolerance level pretty much gone.
Monday. Shopping, shopping, shopping. Not so bad, but it could have been better. Long bus rides all alone. Sigh. All alone. Then end.
Tuesday taxi ride. I am so tired of taxi drivers looking at me in the rear view mirror as though I am a new specimen to dissect on our 45 minute twice a week ride home from the office. Seriously people? Rude.
Wednesday. Oh Wednesday. My mid-week crisis break down eruption day. The day I spent 3 hours trying to fix the unfixable phone. The day that I got on another crowded bus for another long bus ride with people yelling all around me. The day I got so angry at my phone I had to restrain myself from throwing the phone into the elevator as soon as the door opened or down the elevator shaft so I never had to look at it again. The day I ran into my room after throwing everything down and sobbing on my bed for 20 minutes. The day I realized I might be over-reacting to still being upset about my haircut and phone not working...Yeah. That day.
Thursday taxi ride. Why can't you just take me the easy way to where I am going? We all know you just chose the longest most annoying route possible. Seriously? Sigh.
Friday Fone day Take 2. Another 2 hours trying to fix my phone. Two hours to find out that you've been cheated, lied to, taken advantage of, laughed at, and yelled at. Then to go on to the next stop and have another yell at you in the same Chinese language that you still cannot understand as you throw your hands up and walk away in frustration and discouragement. This day could have gone on forever, but I want to stop here. I have something much more interesting and important I want to focus on.
Daddy has been teaching me so much about trust and learning to live with open hands, holding on to nothing. Today on my way back from the second lady yelling at me the song, Oh Love that will not let me go came on my iPod followed by Great is Your Faithfulness.
I had to stop and think, "Huh, His love that will not let me go is enough. Even though I don't have my phone, even though I don't have my ticket to Hong Kong to get my visa, I have His love and it's enough." Followed by, "Wow, He is so faithful to me. Even when I lose my temper and wonder if I hate the place that I love that He placed me in! He is so faithful! I know that He will take care of all these details, cause I trust Him to because He loves me and will not let me go."
My attitude was changed instantly from frustration, hurt, and anger to sincere gratefulness and appreciation for all that my Jesus is. All He says, all He does, all that He orchestrates. My once tumultuous spirit was overcome with the peace that surpasses my understanding and I felt Him guarding my heart and soul. What a comfort, what a release, what and encouragement!
"Oh joy, that seeks me through the pain
I cannot close my heart to thee
I trace the rainbow through the rain
And feel the promise is not in vain
That morn shall tearless be"
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
New Year
A new year, new opportunities, new chances, new people.
...............................
Well here it is- 2013. You know, ironically for some strange reason I thought half of last year WAS 2013, so I have not had trouble adjusting to the new number. However, my mind is still wrapping itself around all that happened in 2012 and all that will happen in 2013 if it is anything like 2012.
I am in my 11th month living overseas, 11 month since being home, 11th month since being in America, 11th month since being in an English speaking country. So much has happened. So much to process. So much to praise for. Where to start!
January 2012 found me happy and content working at a great job in sunny Tampa, FL. Happy with my local assembly, getting more involved with my community, getting my first apartment, spending hours at the beach and pool, and finding new ways to get involved at church, work, and home. Life was great. I had a car, apartment, AWESOME kitchen stuff, family all within two hours, close friends all around. Life was pretty darn good! Learned a lot and started settling down for the next three years (Joanna's time frame for something exciting to happen)....
February 2012 found an email in my inbox from China saying that a company needed a kindergarten teacher ASAP and could I come? February was a whirl of random weekends to Cocoa Beach with a friend, Les Mis live, Florida State Fair with the sis, Disney for the first time, and lots and LOTS of coffee dates and shocked expressions by people finding out that I was leaving the country for a year and a half. Looking back I guess it WAS kind of a crazy idea... :P But what can I say? I like crazy.
March 2012 found me in Xiamen, China. The first two weeks the most depressing I had ever experienced. Cold, cloudy, rainy, and in the middle of the city. None of which were at all closely or remotely similar to my sunny southwest Florida that I had just come from. I found myself in a room with nine 4-6 year old Chinese children who looked at me like I was a super hero (sometimes anyway =) and felt like I had gotten in WAY over my head. But March was good. It was spent getting used to so much! New houses (3 to be exact...yes 3 moves, one month), new fellowship, new school, new country, new city, new side of the globe, new foods, new age group...
April 2012 seemed to be a bit of a settling month for me. I got a new roommate, but other than that it was a bit of a stabilizing month from what I remember. I was also sick a lot....most of the month, but again, getting more used to how life was going to be.
May 2012 found some of my closest friends and mentors on Xiamen soil. May was a month of great, I don't want to say turmoil, but it was definitely a challenging month. Everything I thought I had settled in my mind, everything that I wanted to be okay with, everything that I was frustrated with in being in a new place, etc was challenged, questioned and encouraged. It was both good and bad. Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to over-think and over-dramatize most of life- I guess you could say that's kind of what May looked like for me. Too much thinking and worrying and definitely NOT enough prayer and letting go. Seeing my friends from back home made me realize just how much I had changed over just 3 months. It made me realize how much my mindset had changed, my opinions, my world view, it seemed like almost everything about me was different and I was not quite sure how to take all of that in. It was a blessed time though with them, and I long to have such coffee dates and adventures again with them here.
June 2012 saw the beginning of the downward slope. With school ending, the roommate leaving, moving to a new EMPTY apartment all alone, and everyone I normally spent time with leaving I found myself sinking into depression. I was discontent with much of my life. Discontent with my job, discontent with my new country, discontent with myself. Frustrated to find myself in such a state.
July 2012 found me about the middle of the downward slope. Getting used to everyone being gone and learning to enjoy and embrace the people who were here- lots of good talks with friends, lots of continued learning and processing about my identity and who I really was, lots of encouragement from the Word from faithful friends and warriors. Had an amazing experience in Wuhan at a conference- the focus was on being still and rising up with wings as eagles- Daddy knew I would need this focus if I was to survive the rest of my summer...
August 2012: They say that the darkest hour comes just before the morning. And August was dark indeed for me. I questioned much of who I thought I was, who I was becoming, and who I wanted to be. I turned 23 all alone and it rained that day. A lot. It was my second month of unemployment and my frustration level was quickly rising. I started questioning God and if He really was all that He said He was. If sacrificing everything was really worth it. If giving up all of me was really worth it. If I really wanted to give all of me to Him for all He is. While it was dark, there were definitely good times with friends, new contacts being made, and fun trips to Shenzhen and Hong Kong.
September 2012 and I was full swing into my new jobs. Now I was not just working with children, but I got one of the best possible set ups I could have asked for. Working part time, tutoring and getting a lot of one-on-one time with women, teaching business English at a company, and still teaching kids in the afternoon. Things were starting to look up and I was excited. The roommates finally came back after being gone for what felt like an eternity and home started to feel like just that- home. Challenges? Still there, but always a little easier to face with kindred spirits. :)
October 2012 brought the realization that a fourth year had come and gone without my Dad knowing where I was or what I was doing. I was more involved at my fellowship, had started playing the guitar, was loving my jobs and my involvement at English Corners and with fellow teachers, but nothing was coming close to touching or filling the longing I have for him. Again, another month of learning to let go. Another month of letting Daddy come in and continue to heal my heart.
November 2012 had struggles of it's own, but overall, pretty darn good. Love Xiamen, love my jobs, love my girls, love my involvement with locals. Not much to complain about...Until Thanksgiving. That was hard. Definitely. I found myself short on thankfulness and could not for the life of me figure out where the ungrateful spirit was coming from. But what a discouragement and frustration to look at your life knowing how much you have to be thankful for but not feeling thankful.
December 2012 was one of the busiest whirl-windiest months yet. With Daddy lifting me out of yet another miry pit from the end of November and Christmas concerts on the wind, I had plenty to keep me occupied. Between Christmas concerts and parties I hardly had time to prepare for my family coming to town!! Yes. They came to Xiamen, all the way to China. What a blessing. Truly- I still don't think they understand just how special that was to me. Again, with family from home coming to China I was faced once again with the new me. Realizing that throughout this year of struggles, heartache, rebellion, sadness, victories, happiness, and special moments I had not been alone and I was quite content and excited to see how Daddy had been with me, growing me to be more like Him the whole time. I was honestly a bit shocked to make realizations of the contentment and peace He had been giving me, the decisions I had made and just how set I was on a course to seek Him more. What a time of great encouragement. A time that I desperately needed 10 months into this crazy journey!
January 2013. I sit in my room (which I have now officially lived in for SEVEN months- yay for not moving!!!!) and write the shortest summary possible for the last 12 months. Looking back I can't help but want to laugh cry, sink back from exhaustion from remembering how crazy this year was, and want to lift up my hands and praise Him or grab a coat and my guitar and sing out His name on my balcony all at the same time! (however, I am late for a lunch date so I can't do any of those right now....) I am astonished to see just how good, just, and faithful He has been to me this year. If there is one phrase engrained upon my heart and mind from this year it is that I am a child of grace. His grace covers so much my mind can't wrap itself around it! And as to being His child....wow, my Abba has not given up on me, He hasn't disowned me, and He never will- He has hemmed me in before and behind, and He said He will never leave me or forsake me....and He never will. I've said it before and I will say it again, over and over and over again,
I wouldn't trade any of all this year for ANYthing else!
What a crazy year. How much I have to praise Him for. May we never forget just what has been given to us. For to whom much has been given, much more shall be required.
Here I am, Father. Ready to offer all of me, all my life to You. As much shall be required, I lift my open hands to you and offer it all freely to You. Take me and use me- this broken vessel, this child of Your- use me for your glory that all me see and know that You are God.
...............................
Well here it is- 2013. You know, ironically for some strange reason I thought half of last year WAS 2013, so I have not had trouble adjusting to the new number. However, my mind is still wrapping itself around all that happened in 2012 and all that will happen in 2013 if it is anything like 2012.
I am in my 11th month living overseas, 11 month since being home, 11th month since being in America, 11th month since being in an English speaking country. So much has happened. So much to process. So much to praise for. Where to start!
January 2012 found me happy and content working at a great job in sunny Tampa, FL. Happy with my local assembly, getting more involved with my community, getting my first apartment, spending hours at the beach and pool, and finding new ways to get involved at church, work, and home. Life was great. I had a car, apartment, AWESOME kitchen stuff, family all within two hours, close friends all around. Life was pretty darn good! Learned a lot and started settling down for the next three years (Joanna's time frame for something exciting to happen)....
February 2012 found an email in my inbox from China saying that a company needed a kindergarten teacher ASAP and could I come? February was a whirl of random weekends to Cocoa Beach with a friend, Les Mis live, Florida State Fair with the sis, Disney for the first time, and lots and LOTS of coffee dates and shocked expressions by people finding out that I was leaving the country for a year and a half. Looking back I guess it WAS kind of a crazy idea... :P But what can I say? I like crazy.
March 2012 found me in Xiamen, China. The first two weeks the most depressing I had ever experienced. Cold, cloudy, rainy, and in the middle of the city. None of which were at all closely or remotely similar to my sunny southwest Florida that I had just come from. I found myself in a room with nine 4-6 year old Chinese children who looked at me like I was a super hero (sometimes anyway =) and felt like I had gotten in WAY over my head. But March was good. It was spent getting used to so much! New houses (3 to be exact...yes 3 moves, one month), new fellowship, new school, new country, new city, new side of the globe, new foods, new age group...
April 2012 seemed to be a bit of a settling month for me. I got a new roommate, but other than that it was a bit of a stabilizing month from what I remember. I was also sick a lot....most of the month, but again, getting more used to how life was going to be.
May 2012 found some of my closest friends and mentors on Xiamen soil. May was a month of great, I don't want to say turmoil, but it was definitely a challenging month. Everything I thought I had settled in my mind, everything that I wanted to be okay with, everything that I was frustrated with in being in a new place, etc was challenged, questioned and encouraged. It was both good and bad. Anyone who knows me knows that I tend to over-think and over-dramatize most of life- I guess you could say that's kind of what May looked like for me. Too much thinking and worrying and definitely NOT enough prayer and letting go. Seeing my friends from back home made me realize just how much I had changed over just 3 months. It made me realize how much my mindset had changed, my opinions, my world view, it seemed like almost everything about me was different and I was not quite sure how to take all of that in. It was a blessed time though with them, and I long to have such coffee dates and adventures again with them here.
June 2012 saw the beginning of the downward slope. With school ending, the roommate leaving, moving to a new EMPTY apartment all alone, and everyone I normally spent time with leaving I found myself sinking into depression. I was discontent with much of my life. Discontent with my job, discontent with my new country, discontent with myself. Frustrated to find myself in such a state.
July 2012 found me about the middle of the downward slope. Getting used to everyone being gone and learning to enjoy and embrace the people who were here- lots of good talks with friends, lots of continued learning and processing about my identity and who I really was, lots of encouragement from the Word from faithful friends and warriors. Had an amazing experience in Wuhan at a conference- the focus was on being still and rising up with wings as eagles- Daddy knew I would need this focus if I was to survive the rest of my summer...
August 2012: They say that the darkest hour comes just before the morning. And August was dark indeed for me. I questioned much of who I thought I was, who I was becoming, and who I wanted to be. I turned 23 all alone and it rained that day. A lot. It was my second month of unemployment and my frustration level was quickly rising. I started questioning God and if He really was all that He said He was. If sacrificing everything was really worth it. If giving up all of me was really worth it. If I really wanted to give all of me to Him for all He is. While it was dark, there were definitely good times with friends, new contacts being made, and fun trips to Shenzhen and Hong Kong.
September 2012 and I was full swing into my new jobs. Now I was not just working with children, but I got one of the best possible set ups I could have asked for. Working part time, tutoring and getting a lot of one-on-one time with women, teaching business English at a company, and still teaching kids in the afternoon. Things were starting to look up and I was excited. The roommates finally came back after being gone for what felt like an eternity and home started to feel like just that- home. Challenges? Still there, but always a little easier to face with kindred spirits. :)
October 2012 brought the realization that a fourth year had come and gone without my Dad knowing where I was or what I was doing. I was more involved at my fellowship, had started playing the guitar, was loving my jobs and my involvement at English Corners and with fellow teachers, but nothing was coming close to touching or filling the longing I have for him. Again, another month of learning to let go. Another month of letting Daddy come in and continue to heal my heart.
November 2012 had struggles of it's own, but overall, pretty darn good. Love Xiamen, love my jobs, love my girls, love my involvement with locals. Not much to complain about...Until Thanksgiving. That was hard. Definitely. I found myself short on thankfulness and could not for the life of me figure out where the ungrateful spirit was coming from. But what a discouragement and frustration to look at your life knowing how much you have to be thankful for but not feeling thankful.
December 2012 was one of the busiest whirl-windiest months yet. With Daddy lifting me out of yet another miry pit from the end of November and Christmas concerts on the wind, I had plenty to keep me occupied. Between Christmas concerts and parties I hardly had time to prepare for my family coming to town!! Yes. They came to Xiamen, all the way to China. What a blessing. Truly- I still don't think they understand just how special that was to me. Again, with family from home coming to China I was faced once again with the new me. Realizing that throughout this year of struggles, heartache, rebellion, sadness, victories, happiness, and special moments I had not been alone and I was quite content and excited to see how Daddy had been with me, growing me to be more like Him the whole time. I was honestly a bit shocked to make realizations of the contentment and peace He had been giving me, the decisions I had made and just how set I was on a course to seek Him more. What a time of great encouragement. A time that I desperately needed 10 months into this crazy journey!
January 2013. I sit in my room (which I have now officially lived in for SEVEN months- yay for not moving!!!!) and write the shortest summary possible for the last 12 months. Looking back I can't help but want to laugh cry, sink back from exhaustion from remembering how crazy this year was, and want to lift up my hands and praise Him or grab a coat and my guitar and sing out His name on my balcony all at the same time! (however, I am late for a lunch date so I can't do any of those right now....) I am astonished to see just how good, just, and faithful He has been to me this year. If there is one phrase engrained upon my heart and mind from this year it is that I am a child of grace. His grace covers so much my mind can't wrap itself around it! And as to being His child....wow, my Abba has not given up on me, He hasn't disowned me, and He never will- He has hemmed me in before and behind, and He said He will never leave me or forsake me....and He never will. I've said it before and I will say it again, over and over and over again,
I wouldn't trade any of all this year for ANYthing else!
What a crazy year. How much I have to praise Him for. May we never forget just what has been given to us. For to whom much has been given, much more shall be required.
Here I am, Father. Ready to offer all of me, all my life to You. As much shall be required, I lift my open hands to you and offer it all freely to You. Take me and use me- this broken vessel, this child of Your- use me for your glory that all me see and know that You are God.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
What You're Doing
No words for once.
......................
I sit in silence and look at all my hands have done. What I once thought would be a beautiful masterpiece has turned into a pile of rubble. But in the silence, my thoughts turn from me to You. Knowing that You will take this lump of clay and mold a jar of gold.
You say let me mold you into something beautiful. But I am so scared to let You try. I know that You promised that You would be enough, but sometimes it just doesn't feel like that. I know these lies I've been believing only mess me up, so free me now from all I am.
I awake in the silence of the morning, I call out to You and hear Your voice cheering me on to start my day. The day goes on and slowly the distance makes me lose the sound of Your voice. Again, I feel discouraged and all alone. But when I am so alone, You come again and say, "My child, let me mold you into something beautiful."
I feel You all around me, I see You in the beauty of the ocean and the night sky. All I had to do was look, and You were always there. I lift my eyes to the sky and my hands in praise to You. I feel Your embrace and cry out once again with my voice to worship You. I know in this moment that You have great and wonderful things planned for me that I cannot yet understand.
In Your freedom I now wake and move. In Your freedom I live and love. I know now that when I was alone, when I was discouraged You were with me. You were drawing me to Your side and teaching me to depend upon You. Victory comes not through success, but rather brokenness and humility. You are teaching me to depend on You day in, day out.
So I hold on to You, when I have nothing left to hold on to. So many changes, so much to lose, so now I choose to lose it all for You. You gave me all I have, now I give it back to You. This is what You have always wanted for me, to find my treasure in You. Now here I am, on my knees, and I see You are all I truly need. So I will stay in Your arms and let You hold me as I bask in Your light.
.................
He is truly all we need, isn't He? How many times we miss His voice amidst the business and chaos of life. In all the changes and variables. Yet all He wants is for us to sit and be still. Let His Spirit work in us.
Let go.
Let go of the dreams, let go of the plans, let go of your house, let go of your possessions, let go of family, let go of approval, let go of opinions.
Let go of all but truth. Hold fast to the truth and hold fast to your Jesus.
'Cause He is sure holding on to you.
......................
I sit in silence and look at all my hands have done. What I once thought would be a beautiful masterpiece has turned into a pile of rubble. But in the silence, my thoughts turn from me to You. Knowing that You will take this lump of clay and mold a jar of gold.
You say let me mold you into something beautiful. But I am so scared to let You try. I know that You promised that You would be enough, but sometimes it just doesn't feel like that. I know these lies I've been believing only mess me up, so free me now from all I am.
I awake in the silence of the morning, I call out to You and hear Your voice cheering me on to start my day. The day goes on and slowly the distance makes me lose the sound of Your voice. Again, I feel discouraged and all alone. But when I am so alone, You come again and say, "My child, let me mold you into something beautiful."
I feel You all around me, I see You in the beauty of the ocean and the night sky. All I had to do was look, and You were always there. I lift my eyes to the sky and my hands in praise to You. I feel Your embrace and cry out once again with my voice to worship You. I know in this moment that You have great and wonderful things planned for me that I cannot yet understand.
In Your freedom I now wake and move. In Your freedom I live and love. I know now that when I was alone, when I was discouraged You were with me. You were drawing me to Your side and teaching me to depend upon You. Victory comes not through success, but rather brokenness and humility. You are teaching me to depend on You day in, day out.
So I hold on to You, when I have nothing left to hold on to. So many changes, so much to lose, so now I choose to lose it all for You. You gave me all I have, now I give it back to You. This is what You have always wanted for me, to find my treasure in You. Now here I am, on my knees, and I see You are all I truly need. So I will stay in Your arms and let You hold me as I bask in Your light.
.................
He is truly all we need, isn't He? How many times we miss His voice amidst the business and chaos of life. In all the changes and variables. Yet all He wants is for us to sit and be still. Let His Spirit work in us.
Let go.
Let go of the dreams, let go of the plans, let go of your house, let go of your possessions, let go of family, let go of approval, let go of opinions.
Let go of all but truth. Hold fast to the truth and hold fast to your Jesus.
'Cause He is sure holding on to you.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Hungry
Hungry I come to You for I know your satisfy. I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry.
................
Emptiness is a word that I have thought a lot about these last few months. Well, actually a lot since I came to China. I feel like I spent most of my days feeling empty. Dry. Tired. Last month I shared about motives and how I was learning to serve for Jesus first and foremost- then when I had given every last bit of me, I would not fall into the temptation of despair. This month He is putting that to the test. And He is teaching me more about the difference between emptiness and hunger.
"Oh taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!"
I find it interesting that the Psalmist uses the word taste. Taste has to do with a physical need that many of us do not understand fully: hunger. Last night I went to see the Life of Pi with a friend and there was one part where Pi says, "There is something about hunger that brings out the evil in your soul" (or something like that- you get the picture) Hunger weakens, hunger cripples, hunger affects our demeanor, our energy, our everything. Hunger can distract, it can make one delusional. What a sad picture hunger can be. It is a hunger ignored. This hunger though is a hunger not satisfied.
Hunger was created to remind us of our needs. Our need for food, our need for God. Emptiness is a feeling I became well acquainted with these last few months, and have been learning to put away and let myself be filled with the Holy Spirit. But hunger is a new feeling that I am learning about. Lately I have been feeling- well, empty is not the right word. At first I thought I felt empty, but the more I thought about it the more I realized, "No. I do not feel empty- I feel the presence of God filling me and giving me strength and encouragement to keep pressing forward. So what is this then?" It is the intense yearning to be full of Him. To consume His Words and to digest every word carefully. I was encouraged to make this realization. I was encouraged because emptiness suggests that there is nothing left- whatever was there is gone. Hunger on the other hand suggest that there is still life. Something that is dead can not be hungry. As we face discouraging times in this life, we can always have the comfort that as long as we hunger there is life, there is hope. If God's love does not run dry, we can never be empty as His children. Hunger just shows our need for Him. Hunger can be satisfied.
"I'm falling on me knees, offering all of me. Jesus, You're all this heart is living for."
................
Emptiness is a word that I have thought a lot about these last few months. Well, actually a lot since I came to China. I feel like I spent most of my days feeling empty. Dry. Tired. Last month I shared about motives and how I was learning to serve for Jesus first and foremost- then when I had given every last bit of me, I would not fall into the temptation of despair. This month He is putting that to the test. And He is teaching me more about the difference between emptiness and hunger.
"Oh taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!"
I find it interesting that the Psalmist uses the word taste. Taste has to do with a physical need that many of us do not understand fully: hunger. Last night I went to see the Life of Pi with a friend and there was one part where Pi says, "There is something about hunger that brings out the evil in your soul" (or something like that- you get the picture) Hunger weakens, hunger cripples, hunger affects our demeanor, our energy, our everything. Hunger can distract, it can make one delusional. What a sad picture hunger can be. It is a hunger ignored. This hunger though is a hunger not satisfied.
Hunger was created to remind us of our needs. Our need for food, our need for God. Emptiness is a feeling I became well acquainted with these last few months, and have been learning to put away and let myself be filled with the Holy Spirit. But hunger is a new feeling that I am learning about. Lately I have been feeling- well, empty is not the right word. At first I thought I felt empty, but the more I thought about it the more I realized, "No. I do not feel empty- I feel the presence of God filling me and giving me strength and encouragement to keep pressing forward. So what is this then?" It is the intense yearning to be full of Him. To consume His Words and to digest every word carefully. I was encouraged to make this realization. I was encouraged because emptiness suggests that there is nothing left- whatever was there is gone. Hunger on the other hand suggest that there is still life. Something that is dead can not be hungry. As we face discouraging times in this life, we can always have the comfort that as long as we hunger there is life, there is hope. If God's love does not run dry, we can never be empty as His children. Hunger just shows our need for Him. Hunger can be satisfied.
"I'm falling on me knees, offering all of me. Jesus, You're all this heart is living for."
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