Prayer Answered by Crosses

I had a professor in college who gave out countless hand outs in class. To be honest, when I saw them coming I would pull out my folder and shove the hand out in and not look at it again. After all, we got them almost every class period- there was nothing special about them...or was there?

Senior year I got smart (no pun intended) and actually started paying attention to them and I found that they were actually quite helpful, yes- even powerful! I came across this one while packing for China and put it on my little board to see every day.

It has been on my mind quite a bit recently.

.............

1 I ask'd the Lord, that I might grow
In faith, and love, and ev'ry grace,
Might more of his salvation know,
And seek more earnestly his face.

2 'Twas he who taught me thus to pray,
And he, I trust has answer'd pray'r;
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair.

3 I hop'd that in some favour'd hour,
At once he'd answer my request:
And by his love's constraining pow'r,
Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

4 Instead of this. he made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart;
And let the angry pow'rs of hell
Assault my soul in ev'ry part.

5 Yea more, with his own hand he seem'd
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Cross'd all the fair designs I schem'd,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

6 Lord, why is this, I trembling cry'd,
Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death?
"'Tis in this way," the Lord reply'd,
"I answer pray'r for grace and faith.

7 "These inward trials I employ,
"From self and pride to set thee free;
"And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
"That thou mayst seek thy all in me."

John Newton

.............
We think that just because we take something before the throne, naturally it will get better- that is what He does, is it not?

He fixes things.

We forget that sometimes pain is required in the purification process. Sometimes we will not understand until we feel the agony of sacrifice. Sometimes we cannot understand without knowing the brevity of life. Sometimes we need a cross to answer our calls.

Whistle while you.....sit?

The children are calling, I must help.

The beggar on the street cries out for help in just one glance, I must help.

The woman on the bus has eyes of sadness, I must help.

The church needs a nursery worker, I must help.

They need people to clean and set up and tear down, I must help. 

Suddenly I am exhausted, I feel useless and worn; I am confused and frustrated.

........

Work, work, work. This is what we do- if we do not work enough we are selfish and slothful. Our father has given us hands for a purpose, our minds for a purpose! Use them!

And so she does, Faith wakes up in the morning with a list already forming in her mind. Her guilt levels rising because she knows she cannot do all the work that needs doing. But He requires it- He will help her get it done because it is what He wants. So, she sets her hand at the plow and gets ready for another frustrating seemingly fruitless day, but it is okay because she knows in the end- it will be worth it, He will smile and say, "Well done!"

She opens the Word and reads, "Be still and know that I am G*d, I will be exalted among the nations." She thinks to herself, "Yes, YES! He is G*d, now I must exalt him among the nations! And yet again she sets her hand to the plow and finds herself frustrated at the end of every day. 

She is confused.

She is frustrated.

She does not understand why the harder she works, the more frustrated and unhappy she becomes.

This is his work after all- it was supposed to bring fulfillment!

This goes on for years and her very soul becomes weary of this tiresome ordeal. Her joy is almost gone and she does not even really enjoy the work anymore that once looked so fulfilling! She begins to look for more work- surely she is not doing enough. 

"If I could just find that one area that no one else is working on and I could work on in and fix it- then I would be eternally satisfied and my father would be so proud of me!" she thinks to herself.

What she does not realize is that no matter how hard she works, no matter what kind of work she does, she will never be fulfilled by it.

You see, her father looks at her and says, "Why are you working so hard?"

"I want to make you smile! I want you to be proud of me!" she replies.

"But I already am! I was proud to call you my daughter, you never had to do anything to make me proud of you. Will you come and sit with me? I just want to sit with you a while."

"I will later, but right now I have to finish what I am working on- it is for you! You will be so surprised how much I can accomplish. I could not do it without you, though- thank you for all your help!"

"But you are missing the time we could be sitting here watching the tide come in and go out, the time to feel the warm sunshine on your skin and the gentle breeze across your face. I have something very special for you here.  Come, sit with me?"

"There is just too much to do here now; there will be plenty of time for sitting with you later, you know that! I only have a little bit of time here to get all of this done!"

And off she goes again away from her father to work. He looks after her with sadness in his eyes- he knows how much she is missing.

This conversation happens often and still she does not understand that he really does just want to spend time with his daughter! Finally, one day she is sitting down- exhausted and frustrated- really at the end of herself.  She puts her head in her hands and shakes her head. She looks up for a moment and catches the glimpse of something beautiful. 

It is a promise.

She has seen it many times before, but there is something different about it this time, almost like she was blind before to it's beauty. She looks a little closer and it says, "Be still and know that I am G*d, I will be exalted among the nations!"

It is like a key has turned and finally she sees it! I will be exalted among the nations... He does not need her help for that- He can do it all by himself! He really does just want her to sit with him for a while, He really does just want to spend time with her and talk with her. When work needs to be done, he'll take care of it- He might do it through her, but she does not have to keep working so hard, she just needs to be still.

"Be still and know that I am G*d; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

He does not need you or I to accomplish anything, you see- He is G*d! He does not need any of us, or any of our works. "All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away."

"Yet, O L*d, you are our father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand."

How can clay ever be molded if it is constantly jumping around, trying to mold itself? The answer obviously is that it cannot! It musts be still and know the potter's touch.

Do you know the Potter's touch? When he asks you to come sit a while with him, do you?

Blessings in disguise

The birds sing, the children yell and the jackhammer pounds away.
.........
Day two in bed. So I suppose I have had better days, but how can I complain? I have been given a roof over my head with a view of the sea, I have a rotating fan next to my bed on one side and an air conditioner on the other. I have warm soup just a little ways away and have been blessed with friends who care.
It is easy to get bogged down when your body is not up to speed, but I must not lose sight of all that has been given me.

This morning I lay in bed because any movement would make me dizzy, and listened as the rain cascaded from the sky- seven floors up is just above the tree tops so I get to hear it as it filters through the leaves. Such a beautiful lullaby- I dared to lean up to peak out my window to get a view of the light rain and I was greeted by a soft wind as it tousled the tree tops and rain as it landed in the fish pond below. Something so fresh and cheerful about it- though I have no clue how a rainy day can seem cheerful when you are sick...He must have just been opening my eyes to His beauty in spite of any physical ailments. I love it when He does that!

All this time in bed has allowed me to finally finish my book that I have been working on for quite some time entitled "Because He Loves Me". I wanted to share a quote from it- think on it.

"‎"On the days when you feel as though you'll never get it, you'll never please him, you're such a failure, you must remember the lavish gift: his great heart pumped blood through his veins and then out his wounds so that he could bless you. This perfect blood streamed down his body and tumbled through space, pooling on the earth beneath his feet... trampled on by those who stood below jeering. It mingled with the dirt he had created, and from it grew your hope. And then, on the days when you believe you're finally getting it, finally pleasing him, when you think you can look in satisfaction at your goodness, you'll need to look at that blood in satisfaction at your goodness, you'll need to look at that blood even more closely. Take yourself to Calvary and stand there until all your good works seem to you as they really are: vile sludge purified only by the cleansing flow"

Yesterday, I went to work in the morning and had a "this is why I teach" moment. One of my little Korean boys who I have had quite a time struggling with, tapped my knee and leaned over and said, "Teacher, teacher! I....love YOU! I love you, I love you!!" His precious face sparkled as the words came out of his mouth and I thought back on the difficulties we have had since my arrival two months ago. This is the same boy who would hardly same "hello" in English much less Chinese as he is learning three languages at the same time at the young age of six!
That same day, one of my little Chinese girls came over and gave me a hug. This is the same little girl who would not come near me since I had arrived. We had struggled through learning letters in the alphabet and learning to be quiet during quiet time, and here she was for the first time not shying away from me as I gave her a hug.
These truly are the moments we teach for- all you teachers out there know what I mean. These moments are worth so much more than any paycheck or good recommendation on a resume because these are the moments that last.

Aroma

The street is busy and I politely excuse myself to the woman whose arm I just bumped. I inhale deeply and instead of instantly choking on a cloud of smoke from the man in front of me, my senses are awakened by the aroma of little purple and white flowers- spring has come on my walk to work!
........
I walk out my gate in the morning and the mist brushes over my skin. I walk out to the street and a bus rushes past me leaving fumes and dust to cling to my damp skin. I wrinkle my nose- nothing like a fresh start to a new day. Somehow it just does not seem so "fresh".
I wait for my bus to arrive and when it does I am squeezed out of the doorway of the bus and am left standing alone on the sidewalk to wait for the next bus. When it arrives I sit down, feeling sticky before my work even begins, but I can't help but smile as the bus climbs the mountain situated between my apartment and my school. I look to the left and see little dots of orange and purple amidst a sea of green. I look to the right and the corners of my mouth start to go up as pink bushes flash by. Within minutes we are driving by a mountain covered in little purple flowers and I marvel at the handiwork of my father to maintain such a beautiful garden.

We arrive at the final bus stop and I squeeze off the bus and begin walking the remainder of the way to my school. Dodging spit blobs and ducking away from clouds of thick smoke that seem to constantly threaten to choke me, I am somehow able to catch several glances.

I see loneliness.
In others I see a hardened angry shell.
And yet others I see emptiness and fear.

It is almost like the world around me stops in that moment.

I continue my walk and suddenly my nostrils are tickled with the soft scent- unobtrusive like the thick smoke I have inhaled all morning. No, this is the light scent of the purple and white flowers that fill a median to my right. I smile to myself as I think of their location: the middle of city, next to a busy bus stop. They almost seem out of place, but I could not be more happy with their placement.

I recently shared a joyous evening with some dear brothers and sisters gathered to sing to our father and meditate on the wonders he bestows on us. As we sang and shared thoughts with each other, a brother shared about the aroma within us. In 2 Corinthians, Paul reminds his brothers and sisters that we are the aroma of our father to those who are lost and perishing.  My mind went instantly to the cheerful scent of the purple and white flowers on my walk to school in the mornings. If people see us and wrinkle their noses at us we have not represented our father properly.
He is the sweetest aroma.
The Ultimate.
When they are near us, they should be able to "smell" his aroma on us- it should be sweet and pleasant. We should bring a smile to the faces of those we see and interact with on a day to day basis. We do not have the option of smelling the least bit foul on any given day- we may be the only whiff of him that a person may get.

The Most Bitter Pain

What a weekend- One day filled with bitter pain and two days later the most inconceivable joy. Who knew that one weekend could be filled with such sorrow and such joy.

......

I still cannot believe it. My mind cannot wrap itself around these past few days. 

One day here, the next gone, and then here again.

Wednesday he was here with us, at Martha's house. We sat and listened to him, as we often did. We had a casual meal- nothing big, just some bread, fish, and herbs. Nothing special at the time. I did not realize it would be the last meal of it's kind, though.
Wednesday evening I could tell something was wrong, he seemed- I do not know, sad. his eyes just looked sad. I could not figure out what was wrong- the sun had been shining all day and the soft breeze carried with it a soft scent of the season's first fig trees. It reminded me of when I first met him- about a year ago. So much has happened since then- I have learned so much and I really felt like I knew him and what he could do. I thought maybe some of his friends were going through a difficult time, one of them always seemed to have some sort of conflict in their life...

Thursday I had to take care of some business in the village and by the time I got home it was time to tidy up a bit- the gentle breeze from Wednesday had turned into a stronger wind on Thursday and there was a good layer of dust all over my tables and kitchen counters. The day seemed like many other days, but nothing could prepare me for the news I would receive that night.

I remember it so clearly, as though it were happening right now! I had just gone to bed and was just drifting off to a much needed sleep when I heard a voice calling me from a distance, getting closer and closer until I heard a banging on my door- it was Martha and she was sobbing. I could not imagine what happened. Maybe Lazarus had died? But surely she would know that Jesus could raise him from the dead again- he had done it once already, maybe he was going to have a bigger crowd this time and he needed to make more people believe he really was the son of God? Well, I climbed out of bed and answered the door- Martha looked paler than the unleavened flour we used for our bread today- she nearly collapsed into my arms.

"They have taken him," she sobbed, "They have arrested him and have taken him to Pilot. John and some of the others started to follow the crowd, but I think Peter is the only one to have gotten in to the courts outside Pilot's gate."

I could not believe my ears.

I stayed with Mary and Martha that night. We were unsure if we were safe- after all, he had brought Lazarus back from the dead-they might come after him too. Friday dawned very solemnly and by noon they had tried him, scourged and beaten him, mocked him, and sent him to die on a cross. I still could not believe it.

What was his plan? Was this not taking the whole miracle thing a little far? This was a little extreme. Surely after such horrible treatment he would heal himself before their eyes- maybe they would all believe then?

Blood ran down his now almost deformed body. I will never forget the pain that I saw that day. I caught glimpse of his eyes at one point and the sadness I had observed two days earlier was replaced with pain, a little determination and the most intense sorrow. I cannot explain just what I saw in that moment when our eyes met. I did not fully understand it myself- at least not then.

They took him to the top of the hill and they took those nails- nails like those used to secure thick ropes on to the ships Peter and John used to fish off of- and drove them into his wrists. The sound was like the beating of his heart, sharp and excruciating. Unexplainable. Then his feet. 

Oh the agony!

I noticed a soldier standing near by where the cross would be raise. He was just standing there. My heart condemned him for wearing the colours of the Roman Empire. How could he just stand there and watch, how could he live with himself for what they were doing to my friend? My heart was breaking, my head spinning, my face red and my blood boiling. I started to feel that familiar anger rising up in me again; I had not felt that since he had been talking to me about love, forgiveness and gentleness. I had actually started to conquer that anger. But now they were taking it all away. It was their fault- I could not help it!

.......

Everything was dark, like it was midnight, but it was only just before three in the afternoon. He cried out with a loud voice and then stopped breathing. I heard someone scream out the most heart wrenching cry of sadness and I felt myself fall to the ground. I realized that I had been the one who cried out.
I was sobbing uncontrollably. 

How could this happen? He said he was God! How could he die if he was God? Why did he not show them all how powerful he really was? Had I been following a liar? It could not be!

Then I heard a voice ever so soft, but clear as day,

"Truly this was the Son of God." it whispered.

I looked up, through my tears I saw that it was that same soldier my heart had condemned just a few hours earlier. Now my heart condemned me for my bitter thoughts towards this man who now had stronger faith than I.

I was so hurt, so confused...so...numb.

I went home that night and just sat. For hours I sat. I thought of all the conversations we had together, all the laughs we shared, all the tears he dried, the times he stopped me from saying what I should not, the times he smiled at me and I could feel his pleasure. They were wonderful memories, but what good were they all now?

The next few days were difficult to say the least. None of us really knew what to do. We all stayed inside most of the day and just sat together-night and day.

I woke up Sunday morning and expected to feel happy. I remembered that Jesus said something about maybe coming back to life on Sunday morning- I was sure I would know it if it really happened. Maybe there would have been an earthquake, or heaven would open up! I felt the opposite though. I felt even worse. He was not at my house, he was not at Mary and Martha's house, he was not there, with me, like he had been. I did not feel like he was alive. It must have just been another one of those figurative stories- he told many of those..

Finally, Mary and Martha and the other Mary and I decided we should see that his body was taken care of properly. With heavy hearts we prepared the incense and oils to put over his body. We trudged up to the place they had laid his body.

I looked up first.

I could not believe my eyes.

"Did we come to the right one?" I asked. "This tomb is open and their is a man alive by the stone!"

The other women gasped.

"Do not be frightened!" The man in white said kindly, "I know you are looking for Jesus- he died and was laid in this tomb three days ago. But he is no longer here."

"Where have the taken...." I tried to interrupt and ask the man, but he continued as though I had never opened my mouth.

"He is risen! Just like he always said he would. He is not dead anymore! Quickly! Go and tell your friends- tell his followers he is alive!"

I almost fell over- we were all already feeling weak from all the crying and none of us had really eaten for three days- no one felt like it. Was I hearing him correctly? Alive? It could not be. 

Suddenly I wondered if it was the Romans trying to trap his followers and get us all together, to round us up like a herd of goats. Get us all together and then arrest us. We decided it would be best not to say anything to the others. Who would believe us anyway- they would say we had just gone mad from the grief.

A little later, we were all sitting again in a room- just sitting quietly- when Mary Magdalene burst into the room. 

"I have seen him!" She exclaimed, "With my own two eyes I have seen him! He is alive, he is alive!!! I know you might now believe me, but you must!! I have just come from him, and he is alive!"

Of course no one believed her. I wondered that she would make such a claim after our agreement not to say anything about our encounter with the man at Jesus' tomb. Either she was being legit or she really had gone mad. The strange thing was, a couple of our friends said they had similar experiences.

Finally, Peter and John and the rest of the men were eating while Martha and I cooked and served them food when he came in.

Did you hear what I just said?

He CAME IN. Like, we had just set the food out when the door opened and I heard a voice. I knew instantly it was him. I did not know whether I was dreaming or it was real. I did not know whether to laugh or cry! My closest friend was dead yesterday. Like, the soldier pierced his side. He was crucified and pierced before being pronounced dead. There was no question about it.

But here he was- standing in the doorway.

He rebuked us. He rebuked us for not believing Mary and the other two who said they saw him. He rebuked us for our stubbornness and depression. 

His words stung.

My heart burned within me, like it had the first time he ever spoke to me and I knew I was wrong. Yes, this was him- I knew it was. I knew his voice. Then our eyes met. Those eyes that were always filled with such a deep kindness that had been darkened by sadness, pain, and sorrow were now shining with life! They were soaked in love and bright as though he had something more planned, but they also had a hint of disappointment in them. I knew he was disappointed with the judgement I had placed on the soldier at the cross, and the anger I had towards the Romans for killing him, and my mocking heart towards Mary. I knew it was because I had chosen to act on those feelings of anger, and bitterness. 

But the light that I saw in his eyes told me that I could leave it all behind- I could leave those things behind- he had already forgiven me!  When he said, "It is finished" on the cross before he died meant so much more than what I had thought. I understood- in that one look, I understood what he meant. He meant that all those bitter thoughts, the anger inside of me, the grief that I held on to- He had forgiven them all! That's why he had to die. 

Now I understood!!

I had wondered over and over again, but here was the answer! He died so I would not be held captive by those things. He was alive to show me that I could live without them. I could live now because he lived!

I can live because he lives. I can LIVE because HE LIVES!

He lives. He LIVES!

I still cannot believe it. But I know that I will never be the same. He is not here anymore. I saw him- with my own eyes-ascend into heaven. He said he had to go to prepare a place for us. He also said he would not leave us alone- he would send a Comforter. I know he did. I still fight those feelings of anger and bitterness inside of me sometimes, but I feel stronger now, I feel comforted. I do not feel alone anymore.

I know he is here-in me, though I cannot see him anymore, I know that he is here.

Knowing that makes everyday worth it. 

I can live now because He lives! Hallelujah!!

Rainy Days

Nothing worse than your shoes dying as you walk through the rain...Until your umbrella breaks too.
......
Well, like yesterday marked the beginning of another week of gloomy weather. Sunday-Tuesday were absolutely GORGEOUS days, warm and sunny with a gentle breeze caressing whatever it touched.
Monday was the start of Tomb Sweeping holiday here. Wednesday was the actual holiday, but they celebrate Monday-Wednesday. Unfortunately you have to make up all those days on the weekends....So much for a holiday.
None-the-less I made the most of those three days. Monday was catch up with some family on skype morning followed by a leisurely lunch and 6k on the beach. Ran on the boardwalk that follows the coast of the island for 25 miles or so.
I inhaled deeply- the sea.
I looked around- the sea.
I smiled- the sea.
Everything in me screamed "I LOVE THIS PLACE!!"

Well after my run I made a blackberry cobbler. Which reminds me- I made an chicken Alfredo pasta dish on Sunday, and if I am allowed to say so myself- it was delicious. I splurged a bit on some ingredients but it was SO worth it. The pasta was followed by some little french pound cakes I found topped with my first mango citrus sauce with a little milk for cream.
Heaven.
Sigh. I do love my kitchen so very much!

Tuesday marked Gulongue Island day. Went with a couple of friends and had just a marvelous time bartering for hats and dresses. Enjoyed a sensational mango shaved ice with REAL Hershey's syrup on it. Took a little cart around the island and was able to really enjoy the beauty of this little tourist trap. Tuesday evening went to another noodle place- this was a Japanese noodle shop. After dinner we headed to a KTV place and had a ball- just too much fun! First KTV in Xiamen- much different than in Mengzi! (In a safer sort of way :) )
Wednesday was tea day. My roommate and a friend and I went out tea shopping. I was with two Chinese girls so I was bound to get some good tea, and goodness did I ever! After trying several kinds of tea, I settled on a flower tea- Jasmine, and a white/black tea mix also known as barley tea. We window shopped for a bit and had fun just getting to know each other better. That evening after several other adventures I baked these amazing peanut butter oatmeal bars which are becoming a new staple in my diet.
Today- back to work and back to the clouds. Hoping that these days of rain and smog are soon replaced by warm breezes and sun.

At long last...

I hesitated then pointed down the sidewalk and said, "There's supposed to be a good noodle shop down there..."
My voice trailed off.
............
We entered the narrow entrance to a noodle shop and looked at the cooks.
The cooks looked back at us.
A man got up from his seat and said- "You come in. Sit." And then walked out.
We eyed the orange cafeteria tables and chose one right in the entrance of the shop.
One of the cooks approached us with a menu in Chinese characters, pointed and seemed to ask if we could read it. Laughing he put it down again and pointed to the man sitting behind us busily eating noodles and brown meat.
"Er mein?" He said, asking if we wanted two orders of what the man behind us had.
We laughed, "Dui, dui- xia xia!" We agreed it looked good, so what was the harm in trying?
We waited a few minutes and the man brought out a couple bowls of soup- a broth with some herbs- green onions and cilantro. I think it was a beef stock. Simply wonderful, though a bit warm to be able to enjoy as quickly as I wanted to. Then he brought us two platters piled high with wide noodles and shaved meat, something pickled, and lots of little green herbs with a sauce all over it.
I mixed it all together.
I took a bite.
Everything went silent.
The once busy street turned into a field with a gentle breeze. The shop turned into a small hut in a remote village. Everyone seemed to disappear in that one bite. Heaven.

The moment ceased as I swallowed the mouthful of noodles and identified the meat as a tender beef, the herbs as more green onions and cilantro, and the noodles, oh those sweet sweet noodles- as the most amazing noodles I've eaten in almost 3 years.

At long last, I've found my "noodle joint", conveniently located a short walk from the school I tutor at twice a week. Guess I will betray my twice weekly "Chinese burrito" stand and will from now on, frequent my new favorite place in the world!

(PS: For those wondering what a "Chinese Burrito" is....
A thin layer of dough fried on a round hot thing, egg cracked and smoothed over the dough, pickled something sprinkled over the egg, green onion sprinkled on, lettuce shreds, and then folded, peanut sauce applied, a little red pepper sauce applied, and then crunchy thing put on before finishing the wrapping job and cut and placed into a little bag to carry it away and eat it. It rather quite good!)